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The Accidental Lapdance Tourist

by Olivia Foster
24 August 2013 8 Comments

"Personally I think stripping's a great choice for the modern day career girl" Did that really come out of my mouth? Did I actually let that slip mid grind? Yes, yes I did, and there was worse to come.

Strip clubs are always a bit of a contentious issue for women. We usually fall into one of two categories; those who loathe them or those who feign enthusiasm to make men think that we are totally down with the whole ‘other women getting naked in front of our boyfriends’ thing. I was always the latter. More enthusiastic than a fat kid in a sweet shop “What me?” I’d say, “Oh yeah, I love that whole strip club thing, really um cool and stuff” that was until last week, when, on a first date, I got introduced to the magical wonderland of tits that is Stringfellows night club. From feet shuffling to open mouthed staring as [insert name of well known actor] walked past I literally did behave like a fat kid in a sweet shop – all eyes and no decorum (yes you should have decorum in a strip club). So, for your eyes only here is my beginner’s guide of how not to act when faced with a room full of semi naked women.

Don’t stare at the other ‘punters’:

Men in strip clubs fall into three categories; ugly men, business men and well known men. Whatever the type they do not want to be stared at with all the ferocity of someone, um, having a staring competition, whilst they get given a dance. Which is precisely what I did, mouth open like a grinning buffoon for the entire evening. On occasion I would cease the staring for a few minutes to do some pointing, another strip club faux pas. I may as well have started bloody waving. The thing is about places like Stringfellows is that whilst they are not private, there is still something inherently so about having some femme fatale writhe her scantily clad body all over you. Therefore, it stands that you probably don’t want some tanked up blonde on a date standing over you accessing your every movement.

Shit she’s taking her pants off, I can’t stop talking she might think I’ve gone off her.

Don’t make friends with the dancers:

You know when you go to the hairdressers and you make idle chit chat with the person you’re paying to cut your hair, or when you’re at the corner shop and the sales clerk asks you how your day is, that’s nice. Well, the same does not apply for strippers. You start making friends and then bam, they’re undressing and you’re stuck in potentially the most awkward situation known to man (or woman, as my case may be). Shuffling around nervously while your new BFF grinds her crotch in your face. You break into a cold sweat at the hideous conundrum, do I talk? Compliment her on her underwear? Ask her what she’s doing at the weekend? Shit she’s taking her pants off, I can’t stop talking she might think I’ve gone off her. For three whole panic ridden minutes I word-vomited my way through her dance to the point that I may as well have got up and given her a hug at the end I was so god damn friendly. Take note, if you want to remain objective about the experience don’t buddy up with your dancer.

Don’t look at their face, look at their body:

Looking at their face is like the equivalent of someone giving you a diamond ring and you only being interested in the box it came in. You are there to look at tits and arse and tits and arse is what you should be focusing on. As a woman I’ve been trained to think that when another female gets naked in front of you you should avert your eyes. But when the woman in questions heaving cleavage is 5 inches from your face you pretty much have no choice but to break those rules. The difficulty comes in knowing where to look at the right time. She’s bending you think, I should definitely be looking at her arse right now. Then she spins around, well bloody hell what do I do now, and there you are back at the face, the eyes don’t look at the eyes. If you look at the eyes there will be that terrible moment where you both think to yourselves oh fucking hell I (or my date in my case) am paying you do this. If all else fails just think to yourself 30 seconds arse 30 seconds tits, works like a charm.

“I am totally that sexy, probably sexier, I would so do a better dance than that girl over there”

Don’t make patronising comments:

Please bear in mind that at the point when I arrived at Stringfellows, I had had a concoction of cocktails so strong that they probably would have knocked a horse out so it is safe to say I was definitely on the drunk side of tipsy. So drunk, in fact, that had someone asked me I probably would have given them a dance myself. A fact which I decided to vocalise. “I am totally that sexy, probably sexier, I would so do a better dance than that girl over there” Pointing (again), “I think stripping’s great, it’s a wonderful career, I would do it in a second if I had the body for it.” Now thinking these things is perfectly fine, because even if you do sound like a deluded bimbo no one ever has to know. Vocalising them however, is not fine vocalising them is essentially like saying “I am a massive dick, please remove me from this place before somebody else does”.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Heartbreak 1:08 pm, 27-May-2010

Hahaha good work. I got my first lapdance when i was stoned, that was a mistake, i litterally laughed my way through it all, and i think she started trying harder because she thought i wasnt impressed, that made me laugh more, its a vicious circle. Love the article :)

Alice Ashmore 6:28 am, 4-Jun-2010

You are there to look at tits and arse and tits and arse is what you should be focusing on. What a line!! Great article had me in stitches

BigRed1 9:19 am, 31-May-2011

Dear Olivia, I hate to break this to you but your male companion of the evening was either a cad or a retard or both. I'm sorry if this upsets you as nothing could be further from my mind. I assertain from your photograph that you are a very desirable female woman, and from your reports contents a female woman with a broad mind and love of alcohol. So what the hell your squeeze was doing in Stringers with you is beyond me. If I had had the great good fortune of escourting you hither and yon that evening I would have made absolutely sure that I asked you to retire chez moi and put your theory to the test; i.e. that you can dance better than the said trollops and are sexier too. If your companion did neither I would suggest that he needs a frontal lobotomy and not a bottle in front of him. I think you would be far, far better off with some one who appreciates not only your obvious attributes but could be the key to unlocking your full lap dancing potential - in other words me. No doubt I will be spurned for my openess and candour, but what the hell. Lovely article

Chris 9:50 am, 31-May-2011

Oh grow up BigRed1, she had a blast. Memorable first date or what? Best fun I ever had in a strip club was when a new one opened in our town and the wives and gf's decided they wanted to see what the fuss was about... Best game to play? Get the girls to pick the dancer for their fella and vice versa. Very revealing

Eva 5:34 pm, 31-May-2011

I LOVE strip clubs and I always look at the arse. That said, the last time I went to Stringfellows I couldn't stop talking to the dancers I was that drunk, and my female friend did try to lapdance the lapdancer with my encouragement... we almost got shown the door!

BigRed1 9:59 am, 1-Jun-2011

Dear Chris. Growing old is one thing...as for growing up?

Oliver Dawson 2:06 am, 18-Jun-2011

Is Olivia your real name? - Oliver Dawson.

Benny Valhalla 5:46 pm, 25-Aug-2013

Its not a proper lapdance unless your strippers crying

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