7 Britons We Should Send To Mars To Start A Colony

Fire up the spaceship.
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Fire up the spaceship.
jonesmars

In case you missed the news this week, water has been found on Mars. It won't be long until there's a Foxtons and a Pret up there, so here are a few suggestions for who we should be sending to suss the gaff out first. 

Vinnie Jones

There may already be natives living on Mars when we arrive, so it's important to let them know who we are and why we're there. The best way to do this would be to get Vinnie to nut the biggest one square on the nose as soon as he steps off the spaceship.

The Queen

Comfortable dealing with alien space creatures. Mainly because she is one.

Ian Towning

If you've spent any time unemployed over the last few years you'll recognise Ian as David Dickinson's glamorous cross dressing assistant on Dickinson's Real Deal. He dresses and speaks like an Ancient Babylonian Queen, and let's be honest the human race would be a lot more interesting if we all had even 1% of his character. OK he wasn't strictly born in Britain but who are you, Nigel Farage?

Ronnie Pickering 

Driving around in his Citroen Picasso challenging Marians to bare knuckle fights. 

Michael Portillo

"According to my Bradshaws, Mars is the fourth planet from the sun and the second smallest in the solar system" he'd say, leaning slightly too close to the ear of the nervous cabin boy. He's used to long journeys and his collection of blazers would keep a small army warm in the cold months.

Katie Price

What's the point in starting a colony on another planet if we can't read about who's shagging who in a weekly column for OK mag? She's 97% man made so would outlive all the others, plus you know if there were any Martians roaming the planet she'd be up the duff with another book deal quicker than you can say Nanoo Nanoo. That's the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that's got us there in the first place.

Brian Harvey

Maybe not the best choice for the good of the human race, but give him a nosebag and a 6 pack of Fosters and that's your entertainment sorted for the next 25 years. Mars is freezing though so someone might need to buy his huge 'Stay Another Day' parka back from the Music & Clothes Exchange down Notting Hill Gate. Careful with the jacket potatoes.