My 4 Beautiful Future Brides

Because who says girls are the only ones who are allowed to have it all planned out?
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Because who says girls are the only ones who are allowed to have it all planned out?


(Photo credit: fantompics)

It’s a bit of a cliché, isn’t it, a young girl dreaming of her fairytale marriage to a handsome prince, planning the dream wedding? What about the prince (or in my case just a guy) dreaming of marrying the princess? It doesn’t really seem very macho to plan out your wedding if you’re a guy. It especially doesn’t seem macho if you’re a ‘bloke’ or ‘lad’, but then, if you refer to yourself by those titles, you’ve probably got bigger problems.

I’m not afraid to hold my hands up and say I have thought about my wedding. I imagine a church would be nice, but there’s probably also something to be said for a quick Vegas service (sorry mum). At the end of the day, it’ll probably be up to my bride to be. I imagine that getting a girl to like you enough to want to kiss, and one day marry, you will be the hardest part of the whole caper, but luckily, I’ve decided in advance who my 4 wives will be.

You might look at this list and think ‘what a dick, he’s just going on their looks’ or ‘this guy’s an idiot’, and you’d be wrong/right. However! I’m sure that as well as being beautiful on the outside, each of the following ladies are beautiful all-rounders, able to bring happienes to even the most cold hearted of individuals. They’re each a beautiful creation from a place far beyond the understanding of mankind, a gift for us all to treasure. I can’t believe they’ve all agreed to marry me.

Wife Number One: Imogen Poots


Imogen Poots (soon to be Imogen Ward) has a face that makes puppies smile and children grow up to be selfless humanitarians. After starting out in Casualty in 2004, she snagged the lead in 28 Weeks Later, just 3 years later. She’ll next be seen in the adaptation of Irvine Welsh’s Filth, which looks bloody excellent.  She’s also been directed by Soffia Coppola in a fragrance campaign (perfume advert) for Chloé, and as everyone knows, nice smelling girls are the best.

How we’ll spend our days: Imogen’s a classic beauty, so we’ll no doubt spend our days doing things classic beauties enjoy in films, like larking about in meadows lit by soft, hazy sunlight.

Why it MIGHT not work out: Imogen stole the whole show in zombie flick 28 Weeks Later. I quite like zombies. This might result in me accidently driving her away with questions like “Yeah, but how about that bit with the helicopter?!” and “Did you know Jeremey Renner would be huge, even back then?” and “Why was the last series of Luther crap?”. I’m sorry Imogen, some things just aren’t meant to be.

Wife Number Two: Alexa Chung


There aren’t words beautiful enough to describe Alexa Chung. She’s got that whole ‘manic pixie girl’ thing on lock and is so fashionable, ‘fashion’ should be her middle name. Also, she’s contributing editor at British Vogue, which means she might be able to sling a few articles my way. You never know.

How we’ll spend our days: Lounging about New York City, wearing turtle necks and sunglasses while we sip espressos and read Yeats.

Why it MIGHT not work out: By the time I meet Alexa, I’ll no doubt be really good best mates with Alex Turner and also have joined Arctic Monkeys as a third guitarist. Seeing as though Alexa and Alex went out for ages and ages, this might be a bit awkward. Sorry Alexa!


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Wife Number Three: Eva Green


Have you seen The Dreamers?! Well, if not you better watch it now because all copies will be burnt once I’m in charge/married to Eva. As well as being earth-shatteringly stunning, Eva is from Paris, which is basically the best city in the world. This also means she can speak French, which is a winner. Also, she melted Ewan McGregor’s heart in Perfect Sense, which is a great film and should be watched back to back with McGregor’s Beginners.

How we’ll spend our days: Reclining by the Seine, smoking thin cigarettes and scoffing at tourists.

Why it MIGHT not work out: Eva Green broke Daniel Craig’s heart as Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale. While I’m ten times tougher than James and not afraid of this happening myself, I can’t have her upsetting a mate like that. Je suis désolé Eva!

Fourth and final wife : Keira Knightley


Keira made her name playing English Rose types in all sorts of period dramas and I basically haven’t stopped loving her since. She even managed to make The Phantom Menace halfway decent and her acting is so good I couldn’t even tell if it was her or Natalie Portman half the time. She’s also been in a lot of films I never want to watch, but I’ll assume she was great in them. Basically, she seems lovely and her smile makes me feel a strange emotion in my stomach.

How we’ll spend our days: Relaxing in the garden of our massive stately home, fanning ourselves with little Chinese fans.

Why it MIGHT not work out: She’s already married, but apart from that, no reason. It’ll last forever and ever. I bet you.

Buy my novel so I’ve got money to buy diamond rings here and if you’re a beautiful actress, why not follow me on Twitter?