My Perfect Man Cocktail: Buscemi, Quagmire & Prof Robert Winston

You can stick your Clooney and swivel on Brad Pitt. My shaker would feature a collection of hairy and slightly weird men who would really be able to talk me out of my knickers rather than use Sambuca...
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You can stick your Clooney and swivel on Brad Pitt. My shaker would feature a collection of hairy and slightly weird men who would really be able to talk me out of my knickers rather than use Sambuca...


What age do guys stop trying to put their hand up your skirt on a first date? Always treat a date like a lady when you are out in public, then if she's up for going back to yours, then you can bring out the whore in her. Jeeze… common sense, boys.

I am trying to leave behind boys. I'm going to leave behind the stunted conversation they give you, answering in an overly sarcastic way, or even mimicking in a funny voice like a 5 year old... What I'm saying may be interesting if you just give conversation an actual go. I guess it’s not your fault. I'm probably expecting too much.


I operate on a 'one strike and you’re out' kind of basis. Probably not the best approach admittedly. I think I even made some mistakes because of this system, but I really cannot be bothered anymore, and I'm way too picky. So I gave up! Then I started going on dates with, let's say, the older, more mature generation.

I'm going to be honest, I think when I'm ready to have a boyfriend, he will be a complicated, creative, exciting, mental, stupid, fun youngish guy... I think... Well, that was the plan anyway, but after going on a few dates with lovely older men, I'm giving my plan a serious rethink.

My real life is taking after my TV crushes

Every television character I fancy is more my parents’ age than my own and I have the best crushes ever. I would like them all melted down and moulded into one perfect man, just for me, and I will be the happiest girl in the world (or not- who knows; I'm a girl.)

So these are the elements I need to make the dream man. If any scientists out there want to help me with this, then I'm all pro-cloning and pro-embryo genetic engineering and all that stuff. I think I have made the best older man ever!!!

Here is how to make my cocktail:


25% Steve Buscemi

When I was at school, my favourite film was Ghost World. Pretty clichéd I know, but it led to my first ever fantasy crush: Steve  Buscemi. I went to a terrible school where most of the guys were idiots who didn't care about their education one bit. You know those disruptive kids in the class; there is usually one, or a pair, but at my school it was everyone. The boys liked nothing more than to play football and talk about which girl they were going to bang next while hanging around the school entrance smoking and shouting hurtful things at the geeky kids.

My boyfriend was out of school but he was this didn’t prevent him from being an idiot. He owned a car garage business and was a boy racer/ metal guitarist (not a good one) who sold weed on the side. A real gent right there. So this probably explains why when I first saw Steve's character Seymour drinking a vanilla milkshake while he waited for his date in his adorable old man clothes, my heart completely melted and I wanted him. After I heard his voice, I wanted to jump him even more. The sex would be so amazingly awkward and his long floppy side parting would move really well with his jaunty thrusting.

The next film I saw him in, regrettably, was Conair. Yet for some reason, the fact that he was so dangerous he had to wear a frikkin' human muzzle made him even more sexy. I have not seen one film or show where I don't want to lure him back to mine and call him Mr. Pink while I pin him down. I actually think he keeps looking better the older he gets. It's his hair and his puniness... but it's mainly his voice and the fact that he looks like a pathetic uncle; and to me, that's hot.


15% Ron Swanson

My most recent love is Ron. Fucking. Swanson. From Parks and Recreation. He's a real man. He is the definition of Man. He also has an amazing moustache which would tickle my lips perfectly. Having a man like Ron Swanson would make life complete.

He could go kill us our dinner and build us a porch where we would sit quietly, eat steak and do crosswords. He takes no bullshit and wouldn't let anyone screw you over. The main thing that makes me day dream about him is how consistently serious and stern his expression is, that is, until something gets him really excited, then he is so adorable I want to eat him. Every girl likes a bit of old man comfort and I would go brunette for him in a second.


5% Glenn Quagmire

My next choice is very important to my man cocktail: Quagmire from Family Guy. He's my dash of Bitters in my champagne cocktail. He doesn't make up the main mix but without him the whole drink would be completely boring and not worth having.

You need a bit of excitement in the bedroom. Quagmire is complete filth and I absolutely love it.
It annoyingly takes me a few months of building trust and relaxing around someone to start doing weird bedroom shit. It's completely frustrating for everyone involved. However, this is probably why all my real relationships have lasted so long, because when I have gotten to the point where I can just let the juices flow (Giggity), then there is no stopping how much fun we could have.

Having a little bit of Quagmire in my otherwise perfect gentleman would probably just make me dive into it and not use my brain so much. It's much needed for me. My favourite Quagmire moment is when he is texting Meg on her 18th birthday. I think it’s the whole 'dad's friend' type scenario that does it for me. A bit of old man perviness, in the right dose, will never hurt.


40% David Mitchell

I cannot stress how much this man gives me a female boner. Everything that comes from Mitchell's mouth sounds so beautiful to me. His beautiful nasally words. Mmmmm. If there is one thing I love, it's a well-educated, witty, posh boy. He said that when he was at school he either wanted to be a comedian, actor or the Prime Minister. I would LOVE him as Prime Minister. All that power and being hilarious would actually send me over the edge. I think that's the point where I would actually start stalking him.

My crush started with Peep Show… Come on: he's looking right at you with those creepy black eyes! How can you not fall for him? Mark Corrigan was my dream man. He was too clever, overly sensible but still completely mad, but it wasn't until I saw him on the panel show Would I lie To You? as himself... Arghhhh! Although he’s a more confident version of his on-screen character, he is real! Absolutely perfect.

This program confirmed that I had to have him. The main story on the show that made me pretty much orgasm was that he had a three point system for getting pens back that he had lent to people... actually, thinking about it, every completely weird true story about him made him better.

The main reason he makes up 40% of my concoction is how irritated and angry he gets when someone says something wrong or stupid. He goes from calm to crazy in the blink of an eye.

If I ever met him, I would intentionally say something grammatically incorrect, or real something historically moronic and plain wrong until he gets all shouty and passionate about it. I would then kidnap him while he was preoccupied; using that strange 'know it all' anger to my advantage.


15% Professor Robert Winston

I think most Professors I see on documentaries do it for me. I love watching lectures about science on the internet, mainly because I love science, but also because seeing a man talk passionately about it is such a turn on. It floats my boat most when I don't understand what they are talking about. It makes me want to hire them as a tutor to come round my house and teach me personally.

I never took advantage of the student-teacher relationship in my life, and now that I don't have anyone in an authoritative role in my life, I'm really craving it; some older, wiser person who should be out of reach. A private science tutor would be ideal. I did date a guy who worked on building the Large Hadron Collider. He was 51 and wore a business suit every day, but he didn't have a great sense of humour. The Professors you see on BBC documentaries though!! They totally do. I love them.

Professor Robert Winston tops my list of sexy academics (second is anatomist Gunther von Hagens. Dissecting humans, mmmm.) Robert is a medical doctor, scientist, television presenter and politician. Amazing. He is also a really fucking nice person and is actually rather good looking for an older guy, with his little glasses and slightly messy scientist hair. Dreamboat. As long as he can play the whole teacher-student thing, I'm in.

That's all you need. There we have it. I honestly think I have created the perfect older guy to go on any girls arm. One bug eyed, slightly mad, know it all handyman with a moustache and a side parting. A real gentleman who will make me laugh. He will teach me about the universe and will give me a threesome with a giraffe for my birthday present.

I think looking at all the photos of the man cocktail, I'm hoping the output will have the looks of the handsome Richard (the eye doctor from friends!!), Monica's dad’s friend whom she dated...

I'm pretty sure my calculations are right. That would be the icing on the cake! But unfortunately I don't think science is quite there yet. Realistically, he would turn out a total mess. I'm really glad about that actually because when this hideous genetically modified monster walks through the door, I'm going to be the only one who wants it, and we will live happily ever after.

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