No Groupon, I Don't Want A Colonic

It's the discount voucher code site which has preyed on our lust for bargains and taken the Internet by storm, but how many colonics and falconry lessons does one person need?
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It's the discount voucher code site which has preyed on our lust for bargains and taken the Internet by storm, but how many colonics and falconry lessons does one person need?

Every morning it’s the same. I check my email and it’s there, always sent at 02.08am, like a cryptic message from a very punctual, very deranged pervert. Today’s Groupon offer: 77% off colonic irrigation/ £22 off Falconry. 65% off laser lipo/ £10 meal for 2 in a donkey sanctuary. 48.3% off male grooming/ Banana shoes for £4.08.

I signed up to Groupon because everyone was doing it and I would probably jump off a cliff if everyone did it. And I am also a dedicated cheapskate with a morbid fear of nice, full-price things – (a fear I may one day discuss with my therapist, if they sell therapists in Poundland.)

Either way I haven’t bought anything that wasn’t discounted since about 2003, so in the early days, I thought Groupon was useful in a low-key kind of way. There were offers to be had from depressing local restaurants and nail salons, which I would foist on friends for their birthdays. Oh, how their faces fell when I gave them a scabby print-out saying ‘REDEEM THIS VOUCHER FOR £20 OFF AT STONNERS HAIR AND BEAUTY, HAMILTON, BY THE AUCHENTIDDY ROUNDABOUT’. Good times! But no more. Here are 5 reasons why Groupon must die.

Groupon has become a victim of its own success. Rather than helping out a few local businesses with a coffee voucher here and there, it is now a random shit generator.

THE NAME

Don’t know about you, but the name ‘Groupon’ reminds me of tampons and poo. This isn’t good business sense. As Duncan Bannatyne would say: ‘For that reason I’m OOT! AND I’M GONNAE BREAK YOUR F***** LEGS!’

THE FALCONRY

Take it from me, I’ve done falconry, and it’s the most dubious thing you can do whilst wearing one glove since Michael Jackson ‘hung out’ with Macaulay Culkin. Getting 25% off is not going to make it any better

THE CONSTANT COLONIC IRRIGATION

Nobody wants a tube put up their bottom, which is why purveyors of colonic cleansing services are just sitting around idly with their arse machines, messing about with the foot pump, waiting for a call from some Groupon idiot. To make this offer worthwhile, you would need 100% off and a little prize for not turning up for your appointment. Some nice pants, perhaps, or a small trophy with ‘My Bottom Is Rather Peachy’ engraved on it by a master craftsman.

THE UNBEARABLE POINTLESSNESS

Groupon has become a victim of its own success. Rather than helping out a few local businesses with a coffee voucher here and there, it is now a random shit generator. It doesn’t know whether to offer you bungee jumps to the moon or £18 off some Neoprene running shorts, so it offers you everything, everything you couldn’t possibly want. Perhaps if you were mentally ill you could get your teeth whitened while at a Sushi making class in Egypt wearing designer glasses and having an IPL hair removal treatment for 2. You could get 60% off highlights while someone deep cleans your house and takes you on a 4x4 off road experience. But you won’t. You’ll go to the pub and eat a kebab in a phone box like every other night, as usual.

THE BUSINESSES AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

If you regularly advertise on Groupon, there’s a good chance you are not at the top of your profession. Perhaps you own a shoddy Go-Karting company with a dodgy health and safety record, or a liposuction salon next door to a chip shop. I was once offered a microdermabrasion treatment at a salon in Springburn in Glasgow. Microdermabrasion is sanding off a layer of skin on your face. This is Springburn. No thanks.

We all need to get Groupon out of our inboxes and into the trash before we end up having colonics administered to us by birds of prey. We don’t NEED 72% off to live interesting, full lives! Let’s seize the day and do something spontaneous that doesn’t involve crap experience days out and bootcamp training. Something really meaningful. How about a Living Social mixology class?

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