Osama Bin Laden: Conspiracy Theorists, Start Your Engines

After almost 10 years, Team America finally got their man, but with no visible proof of the done deed they've given the conspiracy theorists all the ammunition they'll ever need.
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After almost 10 years, Team America finally got their man, but with no visible proof of the done deed they've given the conspiracy theorists all the ammunition they'll ever need.

Oh dear oh dear. The worst possible announcement that the Americans could make this morning was that Osama Bin Laden’s body had been buried at sea. Sure, for the time being knee-jerk nationalistic Americans might be dancing around the White House and standing in Time Square celebrating the death of another human being, but it’s only a matter of time before the dust settles and the party atmosphere disappears. That’s when the mental-cases will start their poxy blogs demanding the truth, based entirely on things they reckon to be true.

I’m absolutely positive that right now every philosophy student in the world is locked in their student halls of residence constructing a conspiracy theory so elaborate and ill-informed that it will make Alan Partridge’s speculations concerning the death of Princess Diana seem like the well researched opinions of a University Professor.

Just to be clear, I am not some lunatic right winger who staunchly supports the manner in which America have hunted down Bin Laden, and I find the celebrations of his death in extremely poor taste considering everything that has happened over the past 10 years. I am a defender of those who makes legitimate criticisms of the west and how we have behaved in the middle east, and it upsets me that many intelligent people get shouted down as being “looney-left-liberals” so often.

Therefore, as someone who is supportive of genuine criticism, I am strongly against conspiracy theorists. People who simply imagine something, write it down, retrospectively find evidence that can be interpreted and misrepresented to support their view and start screaming their speculative gibberish loud enough that the entire world can hear them. These sorts of people make the dismissal of Liberal criticism easier and reinforces the “yee-haw” American and “you couldn’t make it up” English views that anyone slightly left of centre is a dope-smoking, tree-hugging, vegetable-shagging hippy who should be ignored.

From here, along with the American Government officials who were in cahoots with OBL, he will launch himself into space and take up residence on the Trump-Laden moon base.

As a protest to these conspiracy lunatics, I’ve jotted down 5 potential theories as to why the Americans have claimed to bury Bin Laden at sea. I really, really hope someone else writes something similar in the coming months and presents it as fact. Enjoy;

1) By burying his body at sea, the Americans are hoping that Islamic Fundamentalists will go on a diving expedition, at which point the Americans will fill the sea with concrete, once and for all ridding the world of terrorism.

2) Bin Laden isn’t actually dead, but president Obama doesn’t know this. The right wing military types have faked the death of Bin Laden to prompt terror attacks within the United States the Bin Laden will help orchestrate. Why? To make Obama look weak in the build up to the next presidential election. I mean, now they know he’s a real yank they need something new to beat him with, yeah?

3) This attack actually had nothing to do with the Americans, they are merely claiming this. As we all know Osama was a devout Arsenal fan. Devastated by the Gunner’s disappointing season, Bin Laden realised that he may never see Arsenal beat Man United again, and after the final whistle, Osama ordered a bombing of his own house, dying happy.

4) After years of speculation and rumours chipping away at him, Obama finally flipped and proved once and for all that he and Bin Laden are not the same person. Don’t believe it, they are the the same person, hence the ocean burial.

5) Knowing that the world is screwed, Obama faked his own death and was sent beneath the sea to his secret rocket base. From here, along with the American Government officials who were in cahoots with OBL, he will launch himself into space and take up residence on the Trump-Laden moon base.

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