Peter Cook's 10 Funniest Lines

Here's all the proof you'll ever need that no other comedian can hold a candle to Peter Cook.
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Here's all the proof you'll ever need that no other comedian can hold a candle to Peter Cook.

Good_Evening_Dudley_Moore_Peter_Cook_1975

In Character

i) George Spigott (aka The Devil), Bedazzled: "It's the standard contract. Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life. Seven days of the week, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Seas, Seven Brides For Seven Brothers...

ii) Awesomely-addled Prime Minister Sir Mortimer Chris, Whoops Apocalypse: "Now, to another matter; the record levels of unemployment. Many say that unemployment is the result of government mismanaging and underspending. Nothing can be further from the truth. We all know the real cause of unemployment, don't we, gentlemen? Unemployment, in this country, is caused by pixies."

iii) The Dagenham Dialogues - "Bloody Great Garbo"

iv) EL Wisty, Philosopher: "The interesting fact about the grasshopper is its disproportionate leaping ability due to its powerful hind legs. Hop, hop, hop it goes, all over arable land. That's land that was actually tilled by Arabs. And I'll tell you the interesting fact about the Arab. The interesting fact about the Arab is that he can go for a whole year on one grain of rice... No, that's the mosquito. I get those muddled up because they're next door to each other in the dictionary: mosquito and mosques.

v) "And now, this year's most exciting discovery - Drimble Wedge & The Vegetations!" Bedazzled:

I was wondering if they had any alternate lines like 'Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now I can whip off your bails'. Or 'Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now you can show me your googlies'.

In Conversation

vi) "You Rang?": Peter Cook receives a phone call from the "Bubonic Plagiarist" himself David Frost. "Peter, I'm having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they'd love to meet you - big fans. It'd be super if you could make it - Wednesday 12th." "Oh, hang on, I'll just check my diary," Cook replies. "On dear, I find I'm watching television that night.

vii) Turning the tables of Michael Parkinson: "I want to ask you something, Michael. You know that advert you did for The Sunday Times, when you go out and play cricket? You're looking very expert and then you're out first ball. Then as you're going off, a pretty lady comes up and says, 'Never mind, Mr Parkinson - maybe you'll score later'. I was wondering if they had any alternate lines like 'Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now I can whip off your bails'. Or 'Never mind, Mr Parkinson - now you can show me your googlies'.

viii) On learning Elizabeth Taylor's glands were behind her weight issues: "Poor woman. There she is, in her suite in the Dorchester, harmlessly watching television. Suddenly her glands pick up the phone and order two dozen éclairs and a bottle of brandy. 'No,' she screams, 'please, I beg you!' but her glands take no notice. Determined glands they are, her glands. You've never known glands like them. The trolley arrives and Elizabeth Taylor hides in the bathroom, but her glands, her glands take the éclairs, smash down the door and stuff them down her throat. I'm glad I haven't got glands like that. Terrible glands."

In Excelsis

ix) Peter Cook's unique approach to life: "I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly."

x) And finally, in all its Amnesty awareness-raising glory, we proffer 'Entirely A Matter For You'