Pippa Middleton's Arse: The Movie

It's time for Pippa to head to California and stamp an arse shape on the Hollywood walk of fame...
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It's time for Pippa to head to California and stamp an arse shape on the Hollywood walk of fame...

One week on since a nation wept at the sight of Pippa Middleton’s buns and demand for her derriére shows no sign of stopping. We’ve worn out the Sky+ remote rewinding those crucial bending moments from the big day. We’ve even ordered a selection of wedding day DVDs in the vain hopes of some deleted scene sections devoted to Pippa. But deep in our hearts we know this won’t be enough to entertain us for long. But could the vast number of DVD sales attract some attention from Hollywood?  It can’t be a coincidence that Kate and Wills first official trip will see them visit California in July - P-Middy has clearly dropped heavy hints about the idea so she can join them and make her next move. A Hollywood blockbuster could be just the thing. Just think studio execs - Pippa won’t need a body double, so you can avoid the threat of the unseemly gossip that surrounded Natalie Portman in Black Swan. There’s no need to fork out for costly acting lessons as we've all seen she can bend over and walk in a straight line on cue. Cast Pippa Middleton in any of the following films and you’ll have ass fans flocking to the cinemas clutching their 3D glasses in eager anticipation.

Carry On Up The Aisle.

Once upon a time there was nothing we enjoyed more than watching an endless stream of innuendo and face gurning in a variety of different genres. The franchise tackled camping, healthcare and history but never a royal wedding. It was British cinema at its best. We’ve tried and failed to resurrect the format but a big Hollywood budget and Pippa Middleton’s arse could be just the right combination. I like to think the Carry On re-imagining of the moment Pippa made her way up the aisle will see the Queen adjusting her bosom with one arm, elbowing Prince Philip with the other whilst doing a comedy grimace the late great Les Dawson would have been proud of.

The film sees a young Pippa seeing a future where she’s plagued with cruel time-lapse photography videos of her arses demise. Can she find the elixir of life in time?

Pippa Middleton and the Philosophers Stone.

This fantasy quest for eternal youth by Pippa could hold an element of truth. Think about it, you've got the most famous arse of the moment and it's going to be photographed for years to come. You've insured it, trademarked it and flaunted it but you can't protect it from mother nature. The surgeons knife is too risky - no-one wants one cheek lower than the other. The only solution is immortality. The film sees a young Pippa seeing a future where she’s plagued with cruel time-lapse photography videos of her arses demise.  Can she find the elixir of life in time?

Forrest Rump.

This film needs to be made if only for the fact we’ll have some new takes on the most famous catchphrases from the original film. A film tagline of ‘Life is like a royal wedding, you don’t know how famous you’re going to get,‘ and a poster showing P-Middy limbering up for the big day should see cinemas sold out across the globe. I think we’d all like to sit in the cinema shouting “Run Pippa Run” at the screen. An outstanding performance from Pippa in this has Golden Globes written all over it.

Bumhog Day

A welcome remake of Bill Murray’s 'Groundhog Day' sees P-Middz reliving the wedding day over and over again until all the elements combine in such a way that she and her cheeks achieve overnight success and world domination. A comedy of errors along the way sees her ultimately learning that life can never really prepare you for the day that the British public, as one, lean over some rickety scaffolding and issue you a collective wolf-whistle.

Bridesmaid Revisited.

The title’s questionable but it’s sure to grab those all important headlines. A gritty yet heart-warming biopic of Pippa and her family’s early struggles in the slums of deepest Berkshire. It charts the difficult relationship between the two sisters, their impoverished years at boarding school and Pippa’s constant feeling of being the underdog. Can P-Middy over come all of her trials and tribulations to win life’s ultimate prize -Rear of the Year?

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