Great Britain 2020: Not Great At All. How Life Will Be Post Credit-Crunch

Britain as we know it is on its knees, wheezing, coughing up blood and close to death. That’s if you believe German Dieter Koch, one of the world’s top economists and an expert in the future.
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Britain as we know it is on its knees, wheezing, coughing up blood and close to death. That’s if you believe German Dieter Koch, one of the world’s top economists and an expert in the future.

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In 2010, he wrote book that predicted a bleak future for the UK after the credit crunch.  In “England Must Die” Dieter Koch says that by 2020 we will be living like peasants from the middle ages.  The whole country will resemble an awful scene from a post-apocalyptic movie.  Koch looks at some of the most traditional British pastimes – and condemns them all to doom…

Bonfire Night

There’s nothing more British than November 5th – bonfires, fireworks and hypothermia.  All that will change in post-recession Britain – with just one firework display for the nation.  Koch claims: “Your silly little firework shows will be over. Forever. By 2020, the super rich will all gather in your disgusting Wembley Stadium. A man will run up and down the pitch carrying a flaming torch while another man bangs two cymbals together. Spectators will blink rapidly to make it look as though there are fireworks. But there won’t be. Not in the new England.”

Telly

The traditional British night in front of the TV will be history by 2020 – or so says economist Dieter Koch. No longer will we have the choice of hundreds of channels once the recession bites hard. Koch claims: “You lazy British pigs will have sold your televisions or burned them for warmth. Sure there will be some shows, but they will only be shown projected on to large walls. Once a week. Yes. They may be puppet shows or some footage of a performing dog but that is all. Koch also has grim news for Bruce Forsyth, saying: “His cock will fall off and he will be bleeding to death."

Motoring

Driving cars will be a thing of the dim and distant past in 2020’s broken Britain. Dieter Koch says that cars will still exist, but people will be LIVING in them. He says: “No one will be able to afford petrol anymore – the rich will store it like gold. People who have had their homes repossessed will park up their cars and live in them. Koch is convinced that most of us will travel on roller-skates instead. Formula One racing will just be a bunch of super-fit guys skating round a race track.”

The National Lottery

In 2013, the whole nation is gripped by the sight of the tumbling balls twice a week. But by 2020, the whole lottery experience will be very different indeed – and nobody will want to win. According to Koch, there will be no cash around for prizes. “It will be a reverse lottery by 2020. Everyone will be entered in the draw – nobody will be exempt. The winner will be paraded around the country on a horse and cart for a week and people will be able to fling hot shit at him. He will represent the greed that has got society into the mess that it’s in. The horrible f***er.”

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The NHS

For decades it’s been the jewel in the crown of the United Kingdom, a shining example to the rest of the world. Free healthcare is the envy so many of our neighbours, but Dieter Koch says its days are numbered. The financial genius from Bremen claims the recession will leave the NHS in pieces by 2020. He says: “It will still exist but it will only provide sticking plasters and cough drops. If you cut your finger you will have to wrap it in a towel and join the queue for a plaster. When you will get one it will probably be recycled, originating from the Fatherland. Achtung!”

Cricket

It's  as much a part of the English summer as sunburn and strawberries and cream. Unfortunately, the smack of leather against willow and the gentle ripple of applause will be gone by 2020. Dieter Koch says, “Your credit crunch will kill your silly billy cricket like a rolled-up newspaper on the face of a wasp. It will cost too much to keep the grass short and smooth and it will die. It will die. Other, cheaper sports will take over like handball for example. It is a sport we Germans excel at, including my nephews and we will crush you all.”

Morris Dancing

If there’s a more traditional English custom we don’t know what it is. The sight of grown men prancing around waving sticks and hankies is what being English is all about. But it will be consigned to the history books following the harsh credit crunch era. Economist Dieter Koch sees it as a necessary victim of the lean times ahead. In his book he says: “Your mincing and poncing about must stop if you are to survive as a nation. Anyone who carries out this disgusting ‘sport’ will be locked away in a reprogramming camp. That is the will of the Fuhrer.”

Shopping Centres

Brits love to shop and spend over a trillion pounds every year in over 150 shopping centres dotted around the country. But the bubble is about to burst for good according to Dieter Koch. The German economist has a stark warning for those of us who like to shop for everything under one roof. He believes that: “There will be no money and you will all wear rags. Instead of ‘shop till you drop’ it will be ‘chop till you flop’. You will all be working for Germany, cutting logs for twelve hours a day for your new Teutonic overlords.”