Rebekah Brooks Walks Free: Here's 5 Alternative Jobs For The Former Tabloid Editor

She's somehow managed to walk free from court while Andy Coulson stares down the barrel of a lengthy stretch, so we've scoured the job market for the woman who made even Ross Kemp look tolerable...
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She's somehow managed to walk free from court while Andy Coulson stares down the barrel of a lengthy stretch, so we've scoured the job market for the woman who made even Ross Kemp look tolerable...

Despite her 'not guilty' verdict, the UK has collectively declared Rebekah Brooks morally bankrupt, so you'll assume she's going to need a new career. Lets look at at her options....

Endorsing Hair Products

Two words people -- hair straighteners. Lets face it, us UK ladies are more than happy for people of questionable judgement to peddle us hair based goods.  If Cheryl ‘I’ll turn a blind eye to endless cheating’ Cole can flog us hair products, anyone can. So long as we end up with tresses to be proud of we’re not really arsed who’s doing the endorsing.  Go on Rebekah, you’re not worth it, but if a company can invent something to sort out your barnet we’ll be queuing round the block to buy it.

Starting a Simply Red Tribute Band

Yes, yes I know it’s an obvious joke, but therein lies the problem.  This is so obvious it’s a wonder she’s not doing this already for a bit of beer money on the weekends.  For the sake of humanity this one is to be discouraged at all costs.  Rebekah Brooks has caused so much ill feeling already that this would be a really low blow.  That said, she does seem to enjoy the sound of her own voice. Beks could make a few quid if she used her set of pipes to belt out a tune instead of spewing forth more unwelcome news.  Either way she’s going to be inflicting unspeakable horror on people who really don’t deserve it.

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Next Seasons Apprentice Nob

Katie Hopkins, Stuart Baggs please hand back your ‘Apprentice Tosser’ titles we’ve found ourselves a new Apprentice hate figure to end all hate figures.  Rebekah could regale Lord Sugar with her corporate experience and unfathomably win him over with her gutsy attitude, while we the viewer cringe behind the sofa and spew forth hatred at her all over again on Twitter.  Given her limpet like quality of staying somewhere she’s not wanted would Shuggs even be able to fire her?

Pantomime Villain

Legend has it that the panto stages are paved with gold.  It can be the only explanation for celebrity types, who are seemingly sane for eleven months of the year, ditching their morals and getting their ‘Widow Twanky’ on every December.  It probably can’t compete with a chief executives salary but Mrs Brooks must be used to the jeering and boos by now which makes her ideally equipped for the role of panto-villain.  Though I’m not sure parents bellowing out a stream of bile-laden expletives instead of ‘It’s behind you’ will make the experience a memorable one for children of any age.

I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

Reality TV has become the televised rest home for the unwanted and unloved of the media.  Many arrive in the hopes of relaunching a career only to realise there’s a very good reason they lost that career in the first place -- they are loathsome and beyond redemption.  It’s also worth noting in recent years not being a celebrity isn’t necessarily going to stop you getting a place in the jungle - I'm looking at you Aggro Santos.  Spending some time with nothing but pests, critters and a selection of celebs Rebekah may have singled out for scoops over the years might be just the lesson she needs in humility.  Add in the endless joy of voting for her to end up neck deep in cockroaches night after night while Ant and Dec look on with smugness and justice may well be served.  I’ll leave it to you to decide just how qualified Rebekah may or may not be to deal with an Australian mammal penis in the Bushtucker trials.

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