Rick Santorum Pulls Out

The right wing US Presidential candidate has announced his decision to stand down after the furore over those anti-gay comments. Here is the first draft of his resignation speech.
Avatar:
Author:
Publish date:
Social count:
29
The right wing US Presidential candidate has announced his decision to stand down after the furore over those anti-gay comments. Here is the first draft of his resignation speech.

404

My friends, it saddens me deeply to stand before you now, open, proud and unashamed. My political ambitions stripped from me, the essence drained from my being. Exhausted and spent, I entered the ring knowing I would be ridden hard, but I never could have imagined in my wildest fantasies how hard that ride would be. And boy, was that a hard ride.

And it’s been a wild ride. A mixture of pain, pleasure and a searing, almost religious explosion of joy, erupting all over this great land of ours. But now it’s time to face facts. I was licked. I was licked by Newt Gingrich. I was licked by Ron Paul. Most of all I was licked, and licked good, by Mitt Romney.

I took a pasting, I realise that now. All I wanted to do was enforce a top down thorough retooling of the injustices faced by our wondrous nation.  Many thought I had bitten off more than I could handle, that I would choke and soon tears would be pouring down my face. Many thought I’d just lie back and take a pounding by my rivals. Many thought I’d compromise my ideas and dilute my beliefs. Yes, they would have loved to see a toothless Rick going down, willing to experiment with the latest fad or feeling. But they don’t know Rick.

It was just a few weeks ago that I decided to announce my candidacy as I sat around the kitchen table with my family. With a mouthful of sausage I turned to my wife and spat it out. “I’m going to do it. It’s time for Rick Santorum to man up and show what he has inside him”. “It’s going to get hard,” my wife said. I told her, “It’s only the hard things that are ultimately satisfying. And I live for the hard things.”

When the race started, Mitt eyed me wearily wondering ‘who is this guy sneaking up behind me?’ He didn’t like that. A stranger, entering his patch and taking what was precious to him. Yes, we grappled for a while and it did get messy. But I was always respected Mitt. No matter what he pitched at me, (and boy could be pitch) I just had to swallow it and be the bigger man.

Yes, we grappled for a while and it did get messy. But I was always respected Mitt. No matter what he pitched at me, (and boy could be pitch) I just had to swallow it and be the bigger man.

But polls don’t lie. Mitt, and many other people, were stunned by the size of the poll I was coming up with and soon I was riding on his tail. Hard. I saw a genuine look of fear in his eyes as he could feel me approaching, knowing the damage I could do to him. And I won’t lie – I enjoyed that. Soon I had shaved quite a few poll points off Mitt’s rating. And if there’s one thing Mitt hates, it’s having his poll shaved.

And he was spooked. It scared him, like it scared everyone not willing to believe the vigour, energy and gumption within me. He’d never seen anything grow at such a monstrous rate. It was huge, it took my breath away. And, I have to say, it even made me a little nervous. I’d like to thank my friends, my followers and most of all my family for helping in that incredible growth. The way it swelled up out of nowhere, it took everyone, even me, completely by surprise.

And we came close my friends. So, so close. Oh God, I was so close. I could almost taste it. And it tasted sweet. But on this occasion it was not to be. Things got sticky and were taking a turn for the dirty. Soon the campaign descended into messy manoeuvres, underhand shenanigans, back-door dealing, aggressive pandering, improper suggestions, tasteless incidents, gross procedures, heated tongue-lashings and unpleasant jiggery-pokery. None of us came out of it clean. But we now have to rinse off and prepare for the next bout.

So for the good of the party I’m pulling out now. It just feels right to pull out at this moment. Though, who knows, I may re-enter at some juncture. But pulling out now ensures that something I hold dear to me won’t be ripped apart leaving a large, unpleasant void in its stead.

I know many of you will be left feeling unsatisfied. Bewildered. Sore. I pumped some of you for everything you had and refused to take no for an answer. Let me take this opportunity to apologise and hope you will forgive my occasional roughness.

But I regret nothing and I will rise again. Hopefully I have proven to be a thorn in the side of liberal America and subsequently pricked a few consciousnesses. And remember, you can’t spell prick without Rick. God bless America.

Click here for more articles about Life in Sabotage Times

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook