Forget the Olympic Flame, Here's Our Alternative Events Guide For 2012

The Olympics? Forget that, unless you're rich or famous enough to blag a ticket you can just watch it on TV - why not read through our guide of ace alternative British events instead?
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The Olympics? Forget that, unless you're rich or famous enough to blag a ticket you can just watch it on TV - why not read through our guide of ace alternative British events instead?

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Forget the Olympics, there are already plenty of quintessentially British events to enjoy this year.

For those fortunate / rich / bothered enough to get tickets, this year’s Olympics will undoubtedly be a highlight of the year. For the rest of us it will simply amount to a frustrating couple of weeks being forced to watch synchronised swimming instead of Cash in the Attic. There are, however, plenty of other more accessible / affordable / made-up events throughout 2012 which anyone can enjoy. Here are just a few.

The Chipping Norton Wad Wave (Late April/ Early May)

An event that dates back to medieval times, when the land owners around Chipping Norton would be paraded through the town, carried on thrones by peasants, while waving bundles of wheat (known as wads) to celebrate the harvest.

It’s been updated in recent years, so now Cameron, Clarkson, Freud, Wade etc are carried through the streets of Chipping Norton on gold thrones waving bundles of £50 notes at gangs of the recently unemployed specially bussed in from Birmingham.

BatterBury (November or December, whichever is coldest)

Clans from all over Scotland meet in Aberdeen and compete to see who can batter, fry and eat the most tasteless and unhealthy food stuffs available in Lidl. As last year the traditional pizza and mars bars were joined by deep-fried butter, it is rumoured that 2012 may see someone attempt to batter batter.

The Twitter and Facebook Festival of Looting, Burning and Sportswear-Theft (probably August)

After last year’s event was described as a ‘scorching success’ it seems that the impromptu masked street balls held in Croydon and other towns will occur again. Exact dates are not yet known but proceedings are likely to kick off as soon as the sportswear stolen in 2011 becomes unfashionable. So next week, probably.

Thatcher’s Dead (every week)

Held every Friday night (usually just after the pubs kick out) this Twitter-only event has proven enormously popular with deluded people hoping that the hive mind wish-fulfilment tweeting of ‘Thatcher’s dead’ will somehow make it come true. Still, fingers crossed for this year, eh?

V Festival (August or something)

Every year, over the August bank holiday, fields in Chelmsford and Staffordshire fill up with the blandest in the land. The exact reason for the continued popularity of this celebration of the mundane still evades most commentators but it appears that there is a strange innate desire amongst Top Shop customers to show devotion to bland major-label pop puppets and way-past-their-best Britpop acts phoning in greatest hits sets for big money.

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