Secret Diary Of The Teenage Jesus Christ

Dad's drinking like it's going out of fashion, Mum is geting weirder by the day and I will want is a bloody centre parting...
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Dad's drinking like it's going out of fashion, Mum is geting weirder by the day and I will want is a bloody centre parting...

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May 8th

In the workshop with dad today, where he showed me the correct way to use a bow saw. Pretty tedious. Mom being really weird again. Kept asking me if I was ‘feeling ok’ and if I’d ‘heard from anyone’. I’d told her Uncle Morty had been in touch about helping him move that bark and she burst into tears She’s getting really strange.

June 16th

Asked Mom about my Bah Mitzvah again. She just gave me a funny look. Looks like I’ll be the last one in my class to get one. She treats me like a big kid. I told her everyone at school is drinking wine, but she refused. Instead she left a glass of water in front of me and nodded towards it vigorously while raising her eyebrows. What does she want?

September 22nd

Heard Mom and Dad fighting again. Heard Dad say, ‘Jehovah? He looks more like Isaac from the olive store.’ Then there was a cry of pain and he spent the rest of the afternoon in the workshop furiously sandpapering the same chair. It was the size of a matzo by sundown.

Dad’s spending a lot of time in the workshop and seems to be getting through a surprising amount of varnish and rags

November 18th

Got a D in Religious Instruction. Mom hit the roof. I said to her, ‘Don’t freak out, how is that stuff going to help me get a job?’ She gave me that look again, then pulled her headscarf really tight and walked away. Stayed in my room.

December 25th

My birthday. Mom ran through the whole stable thing again and Dad just rolled his eyes and said ‘yeah, I guess we’re all set for myrrh’ under this breath. Got totally gypped. ‘Your gift will be a gift the whole world will share.’ That’s great Mom, but I really need some new sandals. Maybe I’m adopted.

February 15th

Hate the way I look. Been letting my beard grow out a little. Thought Mom would hate it, but she actually seems quite keen – even encouraging. Tried a centre parting for a goof and asked her what she thought. ‘There’ll be plenty of time for that later’ she said. Think she’s losing it.

March 3rd

Mom totally freaked today. I completely overslept and she went ballistic. She yelled, ‘You, more than anyone, should be able to get themselves up’. When I asked her what the hell that meant she said, ‘ask your father’.  Dad’s spending a lot of time in the workshop and seems to be getting through a surprising amount of varnish and rags. This family is falling apart.

April 28th

Well the donkey dung really hit the fan today. Mom asked me what I wanted to do after graduation. And I said, you know, chill for a bit, maybe travel, work on a kibbutz. Then help Dad in the workshop. She totally spazzed. ‘Isn’t there something more special you’d like to do? For mankind?’ I said, ‘What, like social work?’ And she threw a latke at me. Then she said, ‘why don’t you go to the desert to think about it’. The desert? With my complexion? I’m the palest kid in my school. I tried to change the subject and asked about painting my room again. Still no definite answer. Dad knocked back a bottle and half of wine. Can’t imagine a supper worse than this one. Really hot and sunny again.

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