If QVC did sex guides they'd me much like the new very online phenomenon Show Me How which for £2.00 will tell you precisely how to have it off standing up without falling over.
It’s a funny thing about sex. You sort of accept you’ll spend the first 10 or so years in a sexual wilderness, unable to tell a barse from a ballsack. By the time you enter your late twenties, you pray you might be more experienced, more confident, more able to tell if the person writhing underneath/on top of you is actually enjoying themselves or just desperately wishing you’d finish up and go to sleep (yes menfolk, we know you fake it too).
Of course, if you can’t wait for disaster to convert smartly into experience, you could do worse than to have a look at Show Me How, a sexual instruction site aimed at educating, empowering and helping to perhaps avoid some of those painful sex skeletons in the cupboard. I remember a friend of mine telling me about his first time. Curiously it was on an industrial estate in Barnsley, and as she’d bent over the fire escape and playfully asked him to ‘do her from behind’, he’d assumed she meant up the arse. I won’t paint the rest of the messy picture, but needless to say, as funny as that might be to relay at drunk parties, the embarrassment will stalk you for the rest of your natural life; even when you do figure out that blow jobs don’t mean blowing (sorry Andrew Kirk, 1996), and that doing it doggy doesn’t always have to mean anal.
Show Me How is a site which originated in the Netherlands and has done remarkably well for itself. Over 1.5 million ‘courses’ sold to be precise, and now it’s coming to the UK to set a ‘first of its kind’ precedent. The idea is that you buy courses, either individually or as entire packs. Individual courses cost £2.00 – ranging from ‘jerking yourself off’ and ‘sex standing up’, to ‘licking pussy’ and ‘him on top’ – or if you’re feeling brave, you can buy either a special ‘Men’s or Women’s Package’ costing £9.95 – a saving of £18.05 for anyone who subscribes to Martin’s Money Tips. Though I doubt he’ll be including this special offer in his next email bulletin.
The website covers basics – including ‘the first time’ – and is mainly aimed at younger people wanting to understand more about giving themselves and their partner sexual pleasure. That said, when I mentioned I was reviewing it I was inundated with requests from friends in their thirties and forties asking if they could have the website address to ‘learn some new moves’, so it’s probably wrong to pigeonhole the concept into a younger market. The videos are straightforward and honest, apparently using ‘real life’ couples to demonstrate the various sexual acts; though be warned, if you blanche at blunt sex talk, you might blush somewhat at the part where you’re encouraged to lick your partner’s ‘pee hole’ or ‘smell and taste her vulva’. It sort of feels a little like a drunk boss making inappropriate jokes at a works Christmas party, but that’s probably because we’re not really used to hearing sex described so openly and honestly. Porn offers a degree of separation, of glamour, but this a very ‘real’ website which describes the functions of the body in such a way as to try and better your sexual prowess; imagine QVC selling sex. You’re somewhere near.
‘At last, I’m starting to understand in bed!’, smiles Bianca, who frankly doesn’t look any stranger to a bit of Friday night bagpiping.
However, be prepared that this is a website dealing very much with the basics which some people may find frustrating. As an example, the voiceover in the ‘jerking off’ video instructs;
‘Allow yourself to become sexually excited, and you will get an erection (interrupted by very bright, basic diagram of blood flow and hardening penis)…..why now try rubbing your penis with your other hand, so you can fantasise that someone else is touching you? Or you could hump the bed or a blanket….’
You might be thinking, ‘but I already know all this stuff. I’ve been doing it since I bought that Debbie Harry poster from Camden Market in 1978’, but actually I must confess, there was some stuff I hadn’t considered. Let’s be honest, unless you’re in a very honest relationship, some things are hard to say for the fear of being rude. I once had a boyfriend who suffered sex with me while I was on my period and was too scared to admit he faked it every time because it ‘felt weird’. And I was too polite to tell one young man that I didn’t really like him going at my nether regions like he was trying to eat a bowl of Pedigree Chum. Sex columns might encourage you to be forthright, to say what you like and don’t like, but I wonder how many of us actually really do it? If you want to learn to be ‘better’ at a certain sex act (and yes, that includes anal and consequently how not to make your girlfriend/boyfriend scream like they’ve been stabbed with a Lightsaber – it hurts), Show Me How is light, non-threatening and considerably low on embarrassment factor. It’s a bit like the instructional videos they used to wheel out on the big TV at school, but once you get past the initial nervous laughs and occasional shudder, it’s well-informed, gentle and considerate. And the testimonials are hilarious. ‘At last, I’m starting to understand in bed!’, smiles Bianca, who frankly doesn’t look any stranger to a bit of Friday night bagpiping (not covered in the courses, sadly). More worrying perhaps is Steve’s testimonial, ‘the first present a new girlfriend gets me is one of these courses’. I’m not sure who that reflects more badly on, but I’d have thought Steve might have exhausted the advice by now.
For me personally, I’m impressed by the matter-of-factness about the whole thing. Even the voiceovers sound as though they’re narrating a Morrison’s advert. And why shouldn’t we take advice and try and be better, more considerate sexual partners? For many couples, this may give a gentle kick up the backside to get the kids in bed, turn off Grand Designs and try something other than the missionary position. More importantly the emphasis is on better communication between partners in general, not just in the sack. I think the general ethos is that if you can ask someone to lick your vulva in a certain way, you can probably remind them to put the bins out without feeling like you’re asking for the world.
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