I remember A-Level results day well; convoying in a fleet of rusting variations of 1.1 litre, 3 door pussy wagons to the Sixth Form car park. We disguised our collective nerves with discussions of where we were getting pissed once this cruel exercise in what felt like national expectation was over. However, the nerve-enhanced, heavily fumigated atmosphere was difficult to disguise in a Vauxhall Corsa cramped with five 18-year-old lads who had not long conquered a Sausage and Egg McMuffin each.
The usual Hermione’s and Lisa Simpson’s were huddled around their parent's Volvo Estates in some sort of horrific ritual that involved pre-prepared Oscar night speeches, Andy Murray tears, and condescending hugs to the groups least attractive and least studious member, who missed out on her fine arts course at Bristol by a couple of UCAS points.
We sheepishly merged into the queue, like cows to the slaughter. There are six types of result recipient. First is the shameless, screaming and fist pumping straight A exhibitionist. The other straight A achiever is more dignified in victory, sharing his or her joy with a tight knit group of friends or family members. Then you have the limbo dwellers, who fluster around enquiring “How did you do!?” In a state of confusion, insecurity and disbelief, they will constantly double check their own results whilst simultaneously peaking over your shoulder to find another means of comparison. You've also got the criers - those who are not afraid to express their earth shattering failings and incompetence through the medium of pathetic sympathy clutching devastation. Fifth are the carefree, trackie clad wonderers, who are already one bottle of Smirnoff down. Finally there's the fairly indifferent recipient, who's still not sure whether they're going to University or not, and whether their results are good or not – I fell into this category.
A time when facebook was merely emerging as a monster in the social networking landscape, rather than being the all encompassing dictator who tyrannically rules the waves of the internet as it does today.
One B and two C's. Not great, not shit. A sentence that probably summed up time in education up to that point. A goalless draw. No one was evidentially disappointed, but the champagne I had envisioned consuming if my results had justified fist pumping behaviour was replaced by half a crate of Carling. We'd attempt to replicate a 'Skins' style party (it was cool at the time okay) later that evening, but didn't really know much about drugs or girls. Oh how the Carling did flow.
However, these were simpler times. A time when facebook was merely emerging as a monster in the social networking landscape, rather than being the all encompassing dictator who tyrannically rules the waves of the internet as it does today. A time when phoning your Nan to tell her how you did came before tweeting; “Omg just got back from town, and i did not even get graded on a level fashion LOLOLOL i picked it to fill in my days anyways :|” (actual tweet).
The six degrees of celebration that I mentioned previously can now be found on facebook and twitter rather than in real life outside actual colleges. These are some genuine facebook statuses and tweets that I've read today:
1. The Straight A Exhibitionist:
“3 A*s going to Oxford give me a like guys...”
“2A*s and 2A's :D medicine at Newcastle now! X”
However, the nerve-enhanced, heavily fumigated atmosphere was difficult to disguise in a Vauxhall Corsa cramped with five 18-year-old lads who had not long conquered a Sausage and Egg McMuffin each.
2. The Dignified Straight A student doesn't make an appearance on social media sites today. They instead begin packing for University before going for a family meal.
3. The Limbo Dweller
“today I got my A Levelresults, didn't do too well, but at the same time it didn't alter my life in the slightest so feck you 6th form”
“HOPE ALL GOES WELL FOR THOSE A LEVEL STUDENTS GETTING RESULTS TODAY! Anyone get into uni? Anyone hullward bound? X”
“Good luck to everyone getting exam results today. Let me know how you get on!! XXX”
4. The Cryer
“If you see a small, rough-looking man crying on a curb in town with a scabby dog and a bottle of Asda's whiskey.. its not a tramp - its me LOL”
“wish i was clever :(“
5. Failed and Proud
“I got A* in all four of my subjects. Just kidding ;) I got two U's in the two i took. Moral of this story is that i am a level 50 fury warrior and playing WOW (World of Warcraft) was more fun than revising.”
“I failed all of them ! Ain't going nowhere apart from prison !”
“Failed everything and I'm ginger. Got no hope haha”
6. The indifferent one – Like the dignified straight A student they will avoid facebook and twitter today, but for completely different reasons. Instead they will twiddle their thumbs, carefully avoiding any nearby computers in fear of finding out their fate via UCAS.
Trust me, I know.
Click here for more stories about Life
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook