Snowmageddon: 6 Things To Expect During Our Annual Panic

Snowcocks, endless snow-based conversations and no public transport whatsoever. Welcome to Britain's winter wonderland.
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Snowcocks, endless snow-based conversations and no public transport whatsoever. Welcome to Britain's winter wonderland.

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Once again Britain is white. No, this isn’t the opening gambit of a BNP leaflet from a dystopian future, but a comment on the fact that it’s snowing and is therefore time for the entire country to go into a retarded panic because it’s slightly harder to do everyday things when it’s cold and slippery out. I haven’t checked the history books, but I’m fairly sure snow isn’t a recent development in the world of weather. Despite this we might as well prepare ourselves for the inevitable fact that for the next few weeks or so the country will adopt the stance similar to what one would expect to see during Armageddon. To help us through this widespread idiocy, I’ve provided a short list of things to expect during the snow season.

1. The country’s Press will go mental

‘Mysterious White Stuff Falls From Sky’, will scream the headline of The Sun. ‘Snow Thought to be Fault of Immigrants’, will shout The Daily Mail, ‘Oooh Look, Some Tits’, The Star will profess, and all of a sudden the world will cease to function. Every snippet of news coverage will be covering the snow for the next week or so, conveniently ignoring Cameron’s twatiness index and depriving hard-working criminals of valuable column inches. Blue-faced newscasters will be placed ‘in the field’ in various locations throughout the country, because god knows none of us will have any idea what snow looks like unless we get to see a man in a suit explain to us exactly what it is that is frosting his cock off whilst he stands on the hard shoulder of the M4. People will watch entranced, because the whole thing is marginally more entertaining than everything that’s ever been on ITV4, and for once four inches of something will have housewives all over the country genuinely gasping. Ooh er.

If it’s Newcastle’s pitch that’s frozen then we will be treated to YouTube footage of Joey Barton trying to fight the snow

2. Snowcocks

Somewhere on your Facebook wall will be a picture of one of your ‘friends’ looking really chuffed with themselves for building a cock out of snow. No one will have the invention or enough grasp of complex design to build a snowgina, however.

3. Transport will cease to function

Despite the fact that snow has fallen before, at least once, we will again be reminded of the complete failure of our transport system to know how to battle its frosty nemesis. The tubes will go completely to shit, as opposed to travelling half way to shit and then having to stop in a tunnel for twenty unexplained minutes, and planes will remain grounded. The only plus that can be taken from this is that we will have some really exciting (read as ‘equally as tedious’) episodes of Airport, and some excellent news vox-pops of ‘lads’ whose stag weekend has been ruined by the inclement weather.

4. The obese will inherit the earth

After all the skinny folk have shivered to death in their ill fitting trousers, the obese amongst us, who have been ridiculed for so long, will rise from the snow having had the foresight to insulate themselves with several layers of Big Mac. Gillian McKeith will spend quite a lot of time sifting through the survivors’ faecal matter trying to determine how their diet helped them to survive. This will no doubt be televised live as a reality show, where in the final episode she will be seen to declare, ‘I honestly have no fucking idea what I’m doing. This degree isn’t even real, I’m just pawing at poo. Why on earth am I just pawing away at poo?’ In light of recent events, Jamie Oliver will vow to reverse the work he did with school dinners and travel around the country jamming chicken nuggets down the throats of small children.

5. Interesting conversations will reach an all time low

Statistics I recently fabricated show that during times of heavy snowfall the chances of having a conversation with a perfect stranger about how cold it is, or simply any conversation involving the word ‘snow’, increase by around 608%. This seems to be the only time of year this happens, and at no point in recent memory has anyone bothered to point out how okay the weather is in spring, or how black the sky is at night. This will result in a shortage of time with which to discuss things like the economy and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but will not change any of the statistics regarding how often people don’t give a shit about what it is someone they don’t know is talking to them about.

6. At least One Premier League game will be called off due to a frozen pitch.

The results of this vastly depend on which ground is frozen. If it’s Chelsea then infidelity statistics will sky rocket over the weekend in question as John Terry will have a couple of days off, and televisual brain-fart The Only Way is Essex, will probably get a guest star or two. If it’s Newcastle’s pitch that’s frozen then we will be treated to YouTube footage of Joey Barton trying to fight the snow. Not because he’s violent, mind. Just because he really can’t wait to get his head down and play football.

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