Speidi: The Birth of Hollywood’s Biggest Famewhores

Half plastic surgery, half bonehead with shades on, Speidi is the combination of two Hollywood reality TV stars that never quite made it. Here's why the Celebrity Big Brother z-listers are on our screens...
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Half plastic surgery, half bonehead with shades on, Speidi is the combination of two Hollywood reality TV stars that never quite made it. Here's why the Celebrity Big Brother z-listers are on our screens...

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So what is a Speidi? Speidi is half woman and half man, much like a Greek mythical beast. Speidi has a flesh toned beard. Speidi has 34H breasts. Speidi has a penis because Heidi is half Spencer. But Speidi is also so much more…

You might have been witness to Speidi’s earliest incarnation, when it was just Heidi and Spencer, a few years ago. Or, you lucky sod, you may have only just been introduced to them via the dark, seedy alley that is this year’s Celeb BB.

Whatever. ‘Speidi’ is in illustrious company, joining the elite ranks of the celeb couple portmanteau; Bennifer, Brangelina, TomKat and now Speidi (the media loves coining a good portmanteau). The only, very slight thorn in the crown is that Speidi, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, was entirely their own creation, a calculated decision to brand themselves to a bewildered public, last demonstrated by Judderman doppelgangers, Jedward.

Speidi is that curious new type of celebrity that is becoming all too common and of which the public is all too accepting; having made its TV debut in Hollywood reality show, The Hills, it has since stretched its wings to appear on the short-lived U.S version of I’m a Celebrity, where Spencer-half was baptized by a Stephen Baldwin, as is his wont. And now it reaches Celebrity Big Brother. Firmly ensconced as a fixture of the reality TV circuit, expect to soon see it on Come Dine With Me sat next to an empty-eyed Leandro Penna and tired and emotional LiLo. I weep.

As seasoned reality TV veterans, Celebrity Big Brother would have been a welcome break to them, a much needed sojourn to ‘Europe’ after the holidays. Here is a couple so self sufficient, so entirely self reliant, that in last night’s episode they refused Jolly Claire from Steps a letter from her children to avoid being separated, much to the chagrin of Rylan. Needless to say, their refusal to give up their own happiness for someone else’s, was received really well by the rest of the house, particularly, Rylan who, once he returned from his X Factor rehearsals, showed tremendous grace and stoicism as per. Claire will get over it; these letters usually act as a check list for the writer, “…oh and the dog got that lump seen to. Auntie Eileen says hello too and says you’d know what that meant.” But still.

More…

The Bum Diary: A Week Of Celebrity Big Brother

Fantasy Celebrity Big Brother

Having entered the Big Brother house as one seemingly joint entity, this is how it has proceeded to operate, its modus operandi for the last couple of weeks apparently to plot revenge on the rest of their unwitting housemates; for what exactly remains unclear. This has resulted in its subsequent nomination each week but like cockroaches and Piers Morgan (LOLZ), they will never surrender! Don’t be fooled by their plastic exterior and vacant gaze, these two know exactly what they are doing.

While Spencer may look like a Chucky and Ken doll hybrid, behind that wild, unblinking stare lies a calculating mind. His wife and his creation (more on that later) Heidi, a real life Frankenstein’s monster, is regularly described by the panting tabloids as a ‘blonde bombshell’ a term that ,nowadays, is trotted out to describe someone who is looking a tad ropey and bedraggled; think Brigitte Bardot now rather than then (see also Pam Anderson).

The gruesome twosome’s first foray into TV was The Hills, MTV’s show about the beautiful and dirty rich and their usual hi jinks; rehab by 18, botox at 21, butt job by 23; somebody stop those pesky kids!Heidi grew up in the small town of Crested Butte, Colorado, and moved to California in 2006, where we first met her. Heidi played second in command to the show’s main protagonist and her BFF, Lauren Conrad. After enrolling at LA’s Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising ,Heidi took a relaxed, cavalier approach to her studies, eventually dropping out after snapping up a job as an events planner at the at events behemoth Bolthouse Productions. She quickly, some said ruthlessly, worked her way up the company and life was peachy. Around this time, she met the person who would have the biggest effect on her life, the charming Spencer Pratt.

Spencer was born and raised in the privileged surroundings of Laguna Beach and made his television debut on the egregious Princes of Malibu, ostensibly as a manager/publicist/agent/stylist (read: douche). Heidi and Spencer’s relationship developed at a vertiginous and alarming rate, with Spencer displaying some truly Machiavellian qualities throughout, exploiting and twisting Heidi’s insouciant nature to his advantage. Their relationship resulted in the complete deterioration of her friendship with Lauren, the most normal (in context) and total estrangement from her mother and sister, both described as her “best friends”, once upon a time. Spencer was seen as the Hills resident baddy having tainted the innocent, lovable, if a bit silly and shallow, Heidi. This is particularly poignant in an episode where they hold a flat warming party and Heidi has no one to invite. And I mean no one. Oh, I tell a lie – she invites Spencer’s sister.

During the six seasons of The Hills, Heidi’s demise in confidence and distorted sense of reality is startling. By 2010’s season six (Speidi’s last season due to an alleged sexual harassment claim from Heidi half) after undergoing 11 hours of plastic surgery in one day including a second boob job, chin implant and butt lift, Heidi’s twisted Hollywood transformation was complete and Speidi was officially born.

Speidi released an album, the hilariously (or tragically, I don’t know anymore) named, Superficial. After investing $2 million of their own money into the project, the CD sold 1,000 copies and the couple filed for bankruptcy in summer 2010. Shortly after, they announced their separation, with Spencer half stating, “There's no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully.” Wise words indeed. A few months later, and lo! our favorite entity are back together , exclusively revealing that the split was all a publicity stunt and thus began their road back into reality TV and our hearts.

There never was any saving Spencer and there is now no saving Heidi but they seem, ostensibly, happy. Spencer half loves Heidi half and Heidi half loves Spencer half. This is a couple who released a handbook entitled, How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. For a time they excelled in this but now it would seem their star has faded; theirs is a true Hollywood fairytale – grim.