Sperm Burglar Liz Jones Gives Women A Bad Name

The internet erupted this morning when Liz Rones revealed she'd stolen sperm from her then boyfriend. Cheers Liz, you've made us all look like twats...
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The internet erupted this morning when Liz Rones revealed she'd stolen sperm from her then boyfriend. Cheers Liz, you've made us all look like twats...

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Jones discovers a poor yield...

There is no denying that Liz Jones, Daily Mail writer and ‘feminist’ often divides opinion and has been fiercely critiqued on her work over the years. This morning however was something of a new level. A new, ‘Is she mental? Is she actually losing her mind and needing professional help?’ kind of level. Now don’t get me wrong, my 27 year old self has fortunately not yet been in her situation of body-clock-ticking-no-one-wants-me-I-need-to-procreate-AT-ALL-COSTS. I’m pretty certain though that her article this morning has shown me, along with EVERYONE ON THE PLANET, the ‘how the hell not to’ way to go about dealing with the ‘successful in your late 30’s but childless’ situation that many women, and men, find themselves in today. That’s right Liz, men want children too.

I admire anyone who is honest and open enough to reveal something that they are perhaps ashamed or embarrassed about in order to educate and inform the masses. This confession however does nothing of the sort. As well as being totally absurd and verging on illegal this article is intentionally shocking without purpose. In fact Liz professes that many will find it ‘shocking’ just before she reveals her fantastic yet light-hearted description of her plan and reasoning behind the ‘theft.’ The theft of her boyfriend’s sperm. The high-jacking if you will.

“I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.”

There is a time and place for humour, and I’m all for a little left field, but making light of stealing a man’s sperm in the middle of the night in exchange for over blessing him with M&S meals is not something that tickles. It infuriates. You only have to see the reaction on Twitter this morning to see the endless tweets filled with many confused, enraged and quite frankly ‘embarrassed to be female’ rants that have snowballed since the article went live. I haven’t seen this many mentions of ‘sperm’ and ‘jizz’ in my feed since… well since ever.

One thing I can’t help but wonder is how she actually did it. The actual details. Did she dress up as a burglar? A sperm burglar with latex gloves with self-dispensing lube up one sleeve and baby wipes up the other? Perhaps she gave herself a character name like ‘the spermulator’ to get her in the zone. Like a super hero, a mental super hero who commits desperate and illegal acts for their ovaries. It’s a tale as old as time. Thinking about it I’m not sure I want the exact details but I am confused as to how she would have casually disappeared into the bathroom with a turkey baster instead of staying in bed for post-coital cuddles.

Did she dress up as a burglar? A sperm burglar with latex gloves with self-dispensing lube up one sleeve and baby wipes up the other?

‘Darling, is that a turkey baster under your negligee?’

‘Umm…  err… yes sweetheart. I’m just re-sealing the bath. Totally forgot. Two ticks!’

I am happy to admit that friends of mine have discussed and sometimes fallen pregnant for reasons other than why nature intended. Some were bored at work and some wanted to simply get as many children out the way pre-30. Such a romantic notion. They were all however fully open and honest with their partners and didn’t steal any baby juice to achieve their goal. A few friends of mine, at the age that Liz’s article discusses have even admitted, ashamedly might I add, that when casually sleeping with someone the thought has crossed their mind that they could forget protection and ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant. A dear friend of mine seriously considered this and got as far as into bed with the guy but in the end she couldn’t go through with it. I think it’s down to something called, ‘morals.’ The difference between right and wrong. Something Liz Jones’ article seems to avoid. I liken it to the fact that we’ve all had thoughts at some time or another about running someone over, or even worse. The fact is, we don’t actually do it. Because it’s mental!

Misleading someone, pretending you want them when actually you just want their sperm is not fair and certainly not funny in any scenario, in any language. Not ever. In fact, I’d go as far to say it’s human trafficking. Ok that might be a little too far… but it’s still the theft of a person. Kind of. What this article has done is make every body reading it question the sanity of the writer, dislike the Daily Mail even more and look suspiciously at every woman over 30 without children. Even if you don’t want to believe it, you can’t help but think there will be many men dashing out to shops now to buy extra condoms and making sure they dispose of them post act. Liz has essentially made the wonderful time two people share in their post-sex relaxed state into a panicked frantic quick-get-the-condom-off-and-burn-it-before-this-bitch-goes-to-the-bathroom state. Well done.

As a final point, if you’re going to write about a topic that will undoubtedly shock and enrage, try to make sure your name doesn’t rhyme with the subject matter, Liz.

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