The 10 Women* We All Secretly Fancy - Sabotage Times
P 10 March 2014
Carol Vorderman – There is a very delicate part of my body that I would happily remove and donate to medical science provided that last place I could put it was inside Rachel Riley. That said, she’s merely just filling the void left in our lives by the departure of Carol Vorderman. Are maths and word games sexy? No. But somehow merely asking ‘Vorders’ for another vowel has turned even the steeliest of men to mere putty over the years. It’s no coincidence that Richard Whiteley (lord rest his soul) finally succame to heart-problems after spending the better part of 23 years watching her pour herself into pencil skirts.
Gabby Logan – Hotter than a fur coat in June, the BBC’s seductress of sporting events has indirectly ruined more marriages than drinking, gambling and Ike Turner’s fists combined. She’s the only reason anybody watches Final Score and not Soccer Saturday and why we’re forced to endure Colin Murray every Sunday night, when we could be mentally measuring Logan’s legs, is beyond me. Someone once said to me that they thought she looked like a meth-addicted seagull who’d once had to abort a sex change ¾ of the way through. I never spoke to him again, and neither should you.
Fiona Bruce – The woman who sits on the luckiest chair in Britain is pushing on for 50 these days, but that doesn’t stop her making even the dullest news report the highlight of most evenings. Her arrival on the Antiques Roadshow was just like adding a pinch of cinnamon to warm milk, except instead of cinnamon it was raging sex-appeal, and instead of warm milk it was a jug of yawn. Let none of us try and claim we wouldn’t swim, for a month, through baby sick, just to smell her hair.
Rebecca Adlington – She might have a hooter you could play polo on, but there was something about her appearance at Sports Personality of the Year that just screamed “breast-stroke”. Maybe it’s the athletic build and the prospect of her military-pressing you above her head before throwing you across the room, onto the bed, and beating you around the head with an Olympic medal until you had fully satisfied her. Or, as jumped-up ginger shock-merchant Frankie Boyle so delicately put it; “Just think how long she can hold her breath.”
Emma Watson – Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I’m pretty sure that she’s now of consenting age but there’s still a huge part of the British collective consciousness that still considers her that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Hogwarts first year who couldn’t act her way through an open door. That said, if she offered, and nobody would ever find out, we would all… y’know, maybe just… oh god I can’t even say it. I’m sorry Emma, here’s some money for Haribo.
It’s not like that makes the chances of sharing a bottle of Tarantino and having a grope in the back of a cab, before ploughing through her for a thoroughly average 6 minutes on a futon, any less likely than with her than the rest of the people on this list does it?
Sarah Palin – She has a grandchild with a higher mental age than she does but there’s not a man reading this who wouldn’t get stuck into her so hard that only King Arthur would be able to get you out again. There’s a worrying chance of her turning the entire race of men into a salivating slave race, should she be elected. Just think, her own personal army of 3 billion people entirely under her command and willing to tear her enemies in two at the flick of her blouse button.
Supernanny – Jo Frost, the delectable disciplinarian of Channel 4′s show ‘Supernanny’ might well be one of the most frighteningly sexy women on TV. With her uniform of borderline fetish-wear, she’s a riding crop and knee high boots away from being put behind the watershed where we can safely ogle her once we’ve put the kids to bed. Apparently she’s not big on spanking though, which is either a massive PR ruse or a tragic, tragic shame.
Sue Perkins – Snappy suits, razor-sharp banter and the sort of eyebrows that would make Spock wince, you’d be lying if you said you’d never given Sue Perkins a sly thought. And yes, she’s a lesbian. But come on it’s not like that makes the chances of sharing a bottle of Tarantino and having a grope in the back of a cab, before ploughing through her for a thoroughly average 6 minutes on a futon, any less likely with her than the rest of the people on this list does it?
Roberta from Spotify – If you’re one of the millions of people who LEGALLY STREAM MUSIC through Spotify, then at some stage you’ll have locked horns with Roberta. “Hi” she chirps in, halfway through the new Dizzee Stry-dubz hit, “Roberta from Spotify here” – “Oh, hi Roberta” You nervously retort, “Pay no attention to what I’m listening to here, just a guilty pleasure. What’s that? You want me to upgrade to the £10 a month version? Oh, um, I haven’t got my wallet handy, maybe some other time. I have got money though, loads of it… please go out with me.”
Phillip Schofield – *Granted he’s not technically a woman, but given the opportunity and a bucket of rum you would still be bang up for a night with the silver fox. He could be sweetly tender or kick your back door in with the force of a thousand suns, you would still have been privileged to receive the seed of the undisputed lord of day-time television. However, a line needs to be drawn at having the voiceover man from ‘The Cube’ give you detailed instructions on what to do to him before hand.
Click here to read Adam’s previous on this subject.
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