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The 10 Women* We All Secretly Fancy

by Adam Clery
10 March 2014 166 Comments

Living in the public eye but operating almost unnoticed, there exists a secret society of women who, unknown to our girlfriends, subtly get us all hot under the collar. Here they're celebrated for all their strange allures.

Carol Vorderman – There is a very delicate part of my body that I would happily remove and donate to medical science provided that last place I could put it was inside Rachel Riley. That said, she’s merely just filling the void left in our lives by the departure of Carol Vorderman. Are maths and word games sexy? No. But somehow merely asking ‘Vorders’ for another vowel has turned even the steeliest of men to mere putty over the years. It’s no coincidence that Richard Whiteley (lord rest his soul) finally succame to heart-problems after spending the better part of 23 years watching her pour herself into pencil skirts.

Gabby Logan – Hotter than a fur coat in June, the BBC’s seductress of sporting events has indirectly ruined more marriages than drinking, gambling and Ike Turner’s fists combined. She’s the only reason anybody watches Final Score and not Soccer Saturday and why we’re forced to endure Colin Murray every Sunday night, when we could be mentally measuring Logan’s legs, is beyond me. Someone once said to me that they thought she looked like a meth-addicted seagull who’d once had to abort a sex change ¾ of the way through. I never spoke to him again, and neither should you.

Fiona Bruce – The woman who sits on the luckiest chair in Britain is pushing on for 50 these days, but that doesn’t stop her making even the dullest news report the highlight of most evenings. Her arrival on the Antiques Roadshow was just like adding a pinch of cinnamon to warm milk, except instead of cinnamon it was raging sex-appeal, and instead of warm milk it was a jug of yawn. Let none of us try and claim we wouldn’t swim, for a month, through baby sick, just to smell her hair.

Rebecca Adlington – She might have a hooter you could play polo on, but there was something about her appearance at Sports Personality of the Year that just screamed “breast-stroke”. Maybe it’s the athletic build and the prospect of her military-pressing you above her head before throwing you across the room, onto the bed, and beating you around the head with an Olympic medal until you had fully satisfied her. Or, as jumped-up ginger shock-merchant Frankie Boyle so delicately put it; “Just think how long she can hold her breath.”

Emma Watson – Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I’m pretty sure that she’s now of consenting age but there’s still a huge part of the British collective consciousness that still considers her that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Hogwarts first year who couldn’t act her way through an open door. That said, if she offered, and nobody would ever find out, we would all… y’know, maybe just… oh god I can’t even say it. I’m sorry Emma, here’s some money for Haribo.

It’s not like that makes the chances of sharing a bottle of Tarantino and having a grope in the back of a cab, before ploughing through her for a thoroughly average 6 minutes on a futon, any less likely than with her than the rest of the people on this list does it?



I Secretly Fancy BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood

Sarah Palin – She has a grandchild with a higher mental age than she does but there’s not a man reading this who wouldn’t get stuck into her so hard that only King Arthur would be able to get you out again. There’s a worrying chance of her turning the entire race of men into a salivating slave race, should she be elected. Just think, her own personal army of 3 billion people entirely under her command and willing to tear her enemies in two at the flick of her blouse button.

SupernannyJo Frost, the delectable disciplinarian of Channel 4′s show ‘Supernanny’ might well be one of the most frighteningly sexy women on TV. With her uniform of borderline fetish-wear, she’s a riding crop and knee high boots away from being put behind the watershed where we can safely ogle her once we’ve put the kids to bed. Apparently she’s not big on spanking though, which is either a massive PR ruse or a tragic, tragic shame.

Sue Perkins – Snappy suits, razor-sharp banter and the sort of eyebrows that would make Spock wince, you’d be lying if you said you’d never given Sue Perkins a sly thought. And yes, she’s a lesbian. But come on it’s not like that makes the chances of sharing a bottle of Tarantino and having a grope in the back of a cab, before ploughing through her for a thoroughly average 6 minutes on a futon, any less likely with her than the rest of the people on this list does it?

Roberta from Spotify – If you’re one of the millions of people who LEGALLY STREAM MUSIC through Spotify, then at some stage you’ll have locked horns with Roberta. “Hi” she chirps in, halfway through the new Dizzee Stry-dubz hit, “Roberta from Spotify here” – “Oh, hi Roberta” You nervously retort, “Pay no attention to what I’m listening to here, just a guilty pleasure. What’s that? You want me to upgrade to the £10 a month version? Oh, um, I haven’t got my wallet handy, maybe some other time. I have got money though, loads of it… please go out with me.”

Phillip Schofield – *Granted he’s not technically a woman, but given the opportunity and a bucket of rum you would still be bang up for a night with the silver fox. He could be sweetly tender or kick your back door in with the force of a thousand suns, you would still have been privileged to receive the seed of the undisputed lord of day-time television. However, a line needs to be drawn at having the voiceover man from ‘The Cube’ give you detailed instructions on what to do to him before hand.

Click here to read Adam’s previous on this subject.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Russ 4:34 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Vorderman?!?! I'd rather put me cock in a blender.

Jonesy 4:52 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Dude, you need a doctor.

Jonesy 4:54 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Russ - how can you call out Vorderman yet agree to Schofield? ;-)

bert 5:33 pm, 15-Dec-2010

this should be retitled; women I secretly fancy

Grant 5:38 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Sue Perkins is a great shout, I thought it was just me and I should kill myself.

Oneup 5:47 pm, 15-Dec-2010

There's some right below borderline boilers there. Voderman, Palin and Watson yes. For me, Naga Munchetty off of BBC News 24 formerly of Working Lunch, criminally under used by the Beeb, she's a pretty little thing.

Dan 6:01 pm, 15-Dec-2010

I don't think Watkins is much of a secret for anyone. I'd definitely get rid of Perkins, Schofield (you have issues), Vorderman, Adlington and Bruce - replace them with Rachel from Countdown and Jasmine from A Place in the Sun and we're talking... Jeezas, I have far too much time on my hands.

Mick Bower 6:57 pm, 15-Dec-2010

This list cannot be taken seriously as it does not feature Hilary Clinton or Eileen off Coronation Street.

Kieran 7:02 pm, 15-Dec-2010

What no Susannah Reid from BBC Breakfast???

Oneup 7:14 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Not fussy Mick?

Neil Summers 10:01 pm, 15-Dec-2010

I'd rather fuck my own mum than Sue Perkins

Oneup 10:33 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Ha Ha!

Russ 11:15 pm, 15-Dec-2010

Jonesy - I like Schofield. There's no shame in it. He's adorable. He's like a less threatening Gary Linker.

HardcorePrawn 4:02 am, 16-Dec-2010

I have to agree with most suggestions here, I've long had "a thing" for Carol Vorderman, Sue Perkins, Gabby Logan & Jo Frost (ooh, the gloves...). And as for Sarah Palin: Oh yes, I most certainly would! I don't think that the popularity of the series of knuckle movies entitled "Who's Nailin' Pailin?" is down to their high production values and quality script-writing. On a separate tip may I suggest that any fans of saucy newsreaders check out Samantha Armytage from Australia's Channel 7, she certainly fulfills all necessary requirements for me, and in my opinion, makes one of the sunburnt country's least entertaining TV channels worth watching.

David L 4:53 am, 16-Dec-2010

The only sly thought I've had about Sue Perkins involved hitting her with a baseball bat, rapidly followed by thoughts of pistol-whipping Giles Coren.

Johnny Two R's 11:00 am, 16-Dec-2010

Karren Brady looked tidy on last nights Apprentice. Think she's either had a face lift or been in an accident. Either way.. picturing her over the board room table would be a suitable investment at the wank bank.

David B 11:57 am, 16-Dec-2010


bagpuss 2:18 pm, 16-Dec-2010

sarah pailin puts the t in t party

Dina 2:25 pm, 16-Dec-2010

there’s not a man reading this who wouldn’t get stuck into her so hard that only King Arthur would be able to get you out again'. I actually choked on my Mug Shot there. Genius.

bagpuss 2:36 pm, 16-Dec-2010

sarah pailin ...oh to be nailin pailin

The Ghost Of Germaine Greer 5:29 pm, 16-Dec-2010

has it all gone 1996 again?

HardcorePrawn 4:26 am, 17-Dec-2010

I just thought of another woman for the list, one for whom I'm always ridiculed for the one time I expressed my desire for her; a woman who acquires so much negative opinion that I'm now forced to suppress my cravings for wanting to do rude things with her naughty lady bits for fear of very vocal or even violent reprisals at the hands of her many detractors. Step forward please, Miss Mariah Carey...

dances with owls 8:38 pm, 30-Dec-2010

Susannah Reid is a glaring omission, other than that - bang on the money. Jo Frost - thought it was just me!

Paul 4:00 pm, 31-Dec-2010

uggg, i thought i had some f'd up taste in women and would bang almost anything. but you, my friend, win the prize of creepy sex fantasy guy if you have jacked off to these 10...

Rozee 7:29 pm, 19-Jan-2011

I would do both Sue and Giles. Definitely. And I'm straight. Oh, and a woman. The rest are just wrong though. Except Schof. I had a crush on him from back in the broomcupboard days.

Steve Black 7:50 pm, 19-Jan-2011

This could easily be a Top 50 or 32 page weekly magazine. 1st cover star Kirsty Wark.

jon wilde 1:02 pm, 20-Jan-2011

Good to see the foxy Vorderman in there. Meeting her a couple of years ago, first time i ever got an erection during an interview. I'll bet she goes at it like a stoat. Schofield is an interesting inclusion. If I was to have one homo moment, it would have to be Wayne Coyne from Flaming Lips. Shagging Van Morrison would also be a bit of a laugh.

jonnyb 2:21 pm, 20-Jan-2011

Catherine Southon from Bargain Hunt is a huge miss here. Wasn't it the (not as funny as it used to be) Viz that first started the borderline boiler thing?

mpc400 11:59 pm, 21-Jan-2011

wha tabout sarah beeney i'd walk a million miles on broken glas to just wank over her shadow and make her tits look like a plasterers radio

Dave 6:21 pm, 23-Jan-2011

Lorraine Kelly

Bleurgh 6:26 pm, 13-Feb-2011

Mishal hussein please...

proximawest 8:57 pm, 15-Feb-2011

Vorderman, absolutely. Logan, maybe. The rest, not even with yours.

The Spoon 4:12 pm, 17-Feb-2011

Wrong BBC news reader, Kate Silverton over Fiona Bruce any day.

Evan 4:21 pm, 8-Apr-2011

Lorraine Kelly?... Christ yes!

donthaveanafro 2:36 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Dear Mick Bower. Never, ever show anyone your porn collection!

andrew 2:44 pm, 3-Jun-2011

loraine kelly!! sweeter than sweet and you just know that her bush is lovely and naturally untouched. something about newsreaders in general though isn't there? probably dates back to Angela rippon and anna Ford, particular favourites in that department are the stiff upperlip jolly hockey sticks firmness of Sophie Raworth anf for north Western viewers only the delectable Diane Oxberry the weather lady from our bbc news programme.

Guest 2:59 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Anthony Weiner’s Awkward Exchange Over Twitter "Photo" Scandal Hot And Exclusive Read more:

Ian 3:02 pm, 3-Jun-2011

I secretly fancy bludgeoning a few of them with a truncheon * [* not a euphemism]

AT 3:47 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Susanna Reid, the reason why I watch BBC breakfast.

Simon Martin 3:49 pm, 3-Jun-2011

I hear you on Frost, Perkins and Bruce but it's a big no on the rest. When you grow up watching Terry Yorath play football you don't want to bone Gabby.

Simon Martin 4:06 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Can i mention Kirsty Allsopp? The late Charlotte Coleman, The late Kirsty McColl? Mmmm, too many dead chicks on this list.

Adam M Ali 4:52 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Adlington, Perkins & Schofield, no. The rest? Epic YES.

BigRed1 10:43 pm, 3-Jun-2011

Gabby please but with her hubby in an escape proof cell - coz if he even suspected what I was thinking about his missus he would pull me a new arsehole.

Rico 2:18 pm, 6-Jun-2011

Ayo, who the fuck is this Kermit The Frog faced ass whigga bitin' 2$hin and Adriano's shit right here? Slap the shit outchu, B.

Il Padrino 9:59 pm, 6-Jun-2011

Pay homage, respect...acknowledge the rep:

Il Padrino 10:00 pm, 6-Jun-2011

Fucking innanet journalisses too damn lazy to come up with their own damn ideas could at least throw some shine on the originators nahmean?!

Daisydaresyou 5:54 am, 7-Jun-2011

I have had erotic thoughts about Philip Schofield and Gary Lineker on more than one occasion. I'm 24

Chipps 8:53 pm, 29-Jun-2011

I would certainly bang Schofield. Up close with a 12 gauge or from a mile out with a .50. Nah, I'm not the murdering type, so if it came to it, I'd put my willy in his bum and nibble his ear like a loved-up rabbit.

Danny_Boy 12:39 am, 25-Jul-2011

Well for a start, how is Nigella Lawson not on the list?

Paul 6:13 pm, 19-Sep-2011

Take Perkins & Adlington out and replace with Sian Williams & Victoria Pendleton and you have a near perfect list, I might even do the Schofe!

scouse paul 6:08 pm, 22-Sep-2011

Amanda Lamb, anybody? ;)

Frank Kirkham 6:13 pm, 23-Sep-2011

Fiona Bruce is the number one from the list, I'd agree with the proposal for Catherine Southon but how can anyone not yet have suggested Victoria Coren the thinking man's crumpet for the 21st Century.

Andrew 10:07 am, 24-Sep-2011

MMmmmm,Victoria coren is delicious, lovely speaking voice too, don't even understand a thing about poker either. Gorgeous eyebrows and a kind of semi amused look on her face most of the time.

Steve 1:20 pm, 6-Oct-2011

Only Connect's Victoria Coren - if only I could connect and Bargain *unt's Catherine Southen oh yes! The Vord on the board, once upon a time. Not sure on Bruce, deffo no with young Phil the rest a big maybe!

mabosa ritchie 8:07 pm, 24-Oct-2011

zarabanda my friends and gleenogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mabosa ritchie 8:08 pm, 24-Oct-2011

stinky buttox!!!!!!!!!!!!11

RB 10:33 pm, 25-Oct-2011

I'm not sure there was much in the way of secrecy about most of these. Would definitely drop Perkins, Adlington and Roberta in favour of Susanna Reid, Catherine Southon and Sarah Millican.

andrew 3:34 pm, 26-Oct-2011

Sarah Millican!! saw her live recently and swear I got a hard on. Immense tits.

Chris 1:13 am, 27-Oct-2011

Gail Platt from Corrie?

andrew 9:56 am, 27-Oct-2011

Gail Platt?!! Jesus thats a bridge too far in my opinion!! Would rather her screen mother than her!!Seriously i think she'd be near the bottom of the list in Corrie for me. Apart from the obvious foxes like Rosie, Tina and Maria theres plenty of scope among the older cast members without neding to stweer oneself towards old turtleface!! We used to play a game my mates and I. Half an hour with Sarah Louise Platt for 4 with Gail , that sort of thing, It was close sometimes I tell you!

Paulie 9:58 am, 27-Oct-2011

One of my biggest guilty pleasures was the Scouse dress maker from Big Fat Gypsy Weddings...

Mr Vorderman 5:31 pm, 27-Oct-2011

I've been there - she is like a sack of potatoes, just lies there and does calculus - s'why I divorced her. Oh and her muff looks like roadkill.

Richard Price 10:45 am, 2-Nov-2011

Jeez, some of you people have seriously missed the point on here. Rebecca from Countdown someone suggested. How can she be a guilty pleasure? EVERYONE wants to fuck her. And Victoria Coren for that matter (I'd bang her just on the off-chance of meeting her twattish brother Giles - always wanted to chin that smug prick). This is a great article - every single one (except Schofield - not sure where he came from) is a Borderline Boiler (head says 'no', nuts say 'go') - and I'm certain that's the point Adam is making. If people are going to suggest others that have been missed, they need to be women of a similar ilk (such as Lorraine Kelly, who has been mentioned). I would add Anneka Rice (face like a mantrap, lovely arse), Sue Perkins' mate Mel off the Kingsmill ads (what's you favourite filling love?), Kate Humble (can you smell fox shit Kate?), Janet Street Porter (she can eat an apple through a letter box), Theresa May (no Tess, keep those leopard print heels on), Hazel Blears (whilst you're down there love), Moira Stewart (okay, that one's a joke), Sarah Beeny (jugs, always pregnant, come to papa), Michaela Strachan (she's Really Wild), and the Loose Women (say no more).

FoxyDread 11:41 am, 2-Nov-2011

The one that always felt wrong to me, but she was still a yes, Edwina Currie circa 1990.

stuart 3:00 pm, 2-Nov-2011

Wouldn't mind turning Clare Balding straight

scousepaul 2:50 pm, 4-Nov-2011

She's probably been mentioned here before, but Kirstie Allsopp has been doing something for me lately! Seems to have shed a few pounds and there's definitely something about her accent!

andrew 7:37 pm, 4-Nov-2011

Could have heard a bloody pin drop when I told an entire room full of work people that i "would Do2 Edwina!! Several dozen bemused/disgusted stares in my direction. still would though. witness her impresssion(?!) of a woman whos's not had a cock up her for a decade or so on "strictly2 recently, dribbling and drooling over anything male with a pulse!

Jimmy James Jameson 1:02 pm, 25-Dec-2011

I'm a degenerate rapey pervert and I wouldn't touch half of these with a barge pole other than perhaps vorderman. I'd definitely use a barge pole on her. Rebecca Adlington for fucks sake?

Chinny 6:46 pm, 25-Dec-2011

Adlington, really? Otherwise it's a reasonable list, a few are questionable but Sue Perkins has always been on my list, don't really know why, but if she ever changes sides send her my way.

Jules 7:10 pm, 26-Dec-2011

Get these vapid BBC lightweights off - Stephanie Flanders (Oxford AND Harvard) is the smartest, sexiest thing on telly.

David 2:39 pm, 11-Jan-2012

This list is poitless as we all know 99% of men will bang any willing hole given a chance and a pulse is just a bonus. What the holder of the hole looks like? Well more than one man has been caught with a goat and there arent THAT MANY WOMEN LOOK WORSE THAN AN ANIMAL OF ANOTHER SPECIES!!!

crumblebottom 5:32 pm, 11-Jan-2012

Victoria Coren, Catherine Southon, Carol Vorderman, Sarah Pallin, Fiona Bruce, Susannah Reid, Lorraine Kelly, Kate Silverton, Kirsty Allsopp, Sarah Beeny

crumblebottom 5:34 pm, 11-Jan-2012

and Elisabeth Sladen if she were still alive

captain lars 9:32 pm, 17-Jan-2012

no one mentioned Alex Polizzii off the Hotel Inspector. Would love to test some four posters with her

crumblebottom 6:33 pm, 20-Jan-2012

Jenny Agutter is another

Biscuitbum 2:12 am, 22-Jan-2012

Catherine Southon does it. She must be a six-footer or damn near.

Pixie 6:00 pm, 4-Feb-2012

Catherine Southon, Anita Manning (don't know why), Vicky Cohen, Pauline Moran, Tessa Dunlop, Helena Bonham Carter...and Kay Burley...?

joseph p 1:18 am, 6-Feb-2012

I am not even ashamed to say victoria coren, she is possibly one of the sexiest women on tv. she quipped during the election that labour had the dress undone but her bra was still on - I could not stand up for hours afterwards. sue barker as well. and hell yes to watson.

Rob 5:50 pm, 11-Feb-2012

Schofield? I'd rather fuck Gordon the Gopher, although that dog beat me to it. Swap him out for Victoria Coren, that voice, that disdainful look, she could stand over me and I'd grovel like a little piggy...although that's probably too much information. Sarah Palin, phwoar! Great series of porn videos!

Matt 1:48 pm, 13-Feb-2012

What about Miranda Hart? Or is that too far?

Dave 3:34 pm, 13-Feb-2012

I'm throwing this one out there, Kate Garraway

Rob 9:30 pm, 13-Feb-2012

Matt - you've gone too far! Miranda Hart? Now Patricia Hodge, she's another one with the voice and that look!

andrew 1:45 pm, 16-Feb-2012

Miranda? guilty pleasure your honour!!

Mike 2:49 pm, 5-Mar-2012

Bargain Hunt's Catherine Southon and me stuck on a deserted Island. What more could a man ask for !

Mike 2:50 pm, 5-Mar-2012

Miranda Hart is neither funny nor fit. She shouldn't be on TV. She should be stacking shelves in Tesco.

Fergie (no not that one...or that one either) 12:00 pm, 7-Mar-2012

I'd do Sue Perkins any day. I'm straight but I'd switch for her :)

Jumbo 8:31 pm, 3-Sep-2012

Catherine Southon,Amanda Lamb,Sarah Palin,Kirstie Allsopp,Sarah Beeny,Nigella Lawson,Tracey Emin,Kirsty Young,Rebecca Addlington,Sally Boazman!!

Jumbo 3:05 pm, 4-Sep-2012

...actually remove Sally Boazman....I'll have Julia Bradbury instead!!

allen 5:12 pm, 26-Sep-2012

Nobody's mentioned Sian Williams ! Get into her and I bet she wouldn't let you take it out.

Paul 10:12 pm, 21-Oct-2012

Am I the only one who wants to cast my wand the way of Jk Rowling - never afraid to show off cleavage and wear the odd pair of kinky-ish boots

Nick 10:16 pm, 21-Oct-2012

No one "secretly" fancies Susannah Reid. Every man just fancies her. People are just listing good looking women in their 40s. As for Sue Perkins - good God know. I think she's ace, but, really... no. As for the beast who mentioned Balding. Have a word with yourself.

Paul 10:55 pm, 21-Oct-2012

Jumbo, your spot on, even let you go first with any/all of them and I'll have sloppy seconds! No problem

Mikie 9:21 am, 22-Oct-2012

My dentist has newer articles in his office than this shit.

allen 9:57 am, 22-Oct-2012

I have previously mentioned Sian Williams. However, moving away from purely British TV women I would rate the ultimate one as Mariska Hargitay who is in Law and Order Special Victims Unit on Virgin TV Channel 162. She is Jayne Mansfields daughter and quite the sexiest women who ever appears on my TV screen. Fantastic !

Gareth Roberts 1:55 pm, 24-Oct-2012

Welsh weather vane Sian Lloyd, she may look like Michael Schumacher in drag but I guarantee it's thunder and lightning in the bedroom followed by a stiff north-easterly and some squally showers.

two bob 10:32 pm, 25-Oct-2012

Always thought Christine Hamilton would be a lot of fun....and by 'fun' I mean downright dirty !!....just me ?

Digby Hamstersox 4:21 pm, 27-Oct-2012

Labionda !!

allen 5:45 pm, 4-Nov-2012

Another one I fancy (that makes three so far) is Yvette Cooper the shadow Hone Office Minister. She was on the BBC TV Andrew Marr show this morning.I rather suspect that she is reluctant to let Ed Balls out of bed every morning. How fantastic to be screwing a Cabinet Minister, especially Yvette even if still a shadow one. Allen

Denken 3:51 pm, 7-Nov-2012

Susanna Reid, nuff said

Medray 4:11 pm, 7-Nov-2012

Caroline Flint & Hazel Blears double! I wouldn't even claim expenses!

Butch Schlong 9:36 pm, 15-Nov-2012

Ahem! Err need I mention Suzi Perry?! And what about BBCs very own Louise Minchin? SCORTHIO!!! And that Ruth Langsford could put me over her knee and beat me like a naughty child too.

Sedge 12:31 pm, 29-Nov-2012

Fern Britton when she was big.....silly cow lost it all. Ruined the mid 2000's for me that did.

tight bastard 4:00 pm, 31-Jan-2013

I would never fuck Gabby Logan, i wouldnt even hate fuck her, Most annoying cunt on TV, I would rather fuck Janet Street Porter in front of all my friends and family

Markxist 3:05 am, 6-Feb-2013

Neither Victoria Coren or Jenny Agutter should be a secret crush! They're both stunning even Agutter now at her age. For me it's Sarah Millican. She's funny and oddly very very sexy. Maybe it's those H Cup hooters I dunno. With tight bastard, Gabby Logan is a right up her arse cowbag.

Markxist 3:06 am, 6-Feb-2013

Catherine Southon is delightful I'll admit.

Yingleberry 1:47 pm, 16-Feb-2013

@Denken Bang on with Susanna Reid. Well perky! Always gets me up in the morning. Until Charlie Stayt starts banging on about the economy, or horse meat in a lasgna, or some other stonker sapping drivel!

Richard III 10:40 am, 20-Feb-2013

got to be Carol Kirkwood for your first offload of the day, wonderful breasts! Tracically ive always had a strange attraction to Christine Hamilton in full on dominatrix scenario!

Sir William HardCock 1:31 pm, 28-Feb-2013

Sue perkins????? Shes horrible, you lot are fad as muck!!!Sarah Palin, total babe!!!

FlashGordon 12:38 am, 22-Mar-2013

@Richard III, Thought it was only me that had a secret lusting for Carol Kirkwood! Not been the same though since she had her throaty growl trained out of her, Bit of a local one but Nicola Rees from Look North features highly on my list also. @Richard Price, No Sue Perkins I'm afraid but the rest are nailed on. If you put a gun to my head though it would have to be Gabby Logan, if only for the free match tickets!

getupinthemorningachingforbacon 2:49 pm, 3-Apr-2013

Sarah Millican is highly shaggable

getupinthemorningachingforbacon 2:50 pm, 3-Apr-2013

I love Carol kirkwood

stan 2:02 pm, 18-Jun-2013

Quote "Edwina Currie circa 1990". Sorry you can not time travel you would have to fuck her now if her fanny is still functioning. I don't care, I'd love to lick her all over wrinkles and all.

Richard Sole 9:57 am, 23-Jun-2013

Great List. Maybe the prepubescent idiot who compiled this nonsense wants a mommy figure! Perkins,Vorderman,Bruce and Frost are all pretty much OAP munters. Palin and Logan are so much up their own arse that there'd be no room for anything else up there, even someone who wanted Schofield. Emma Watson is babe so where is the secret there. Go get your hormones fixed and booked into a clinic where you can have a Jo Frost lookalike do you with a strapon

Glenn Willis 8:44 am, 25-Jul-2013

Glenn Willis Masturbates in Public "My neighbor and her girl friends watched me jerk off. They sat in front of me and watched me jerk off and cum. They liked it. I could hear them talking about me and laughing as they watched me beating off, so I jerked off in front of them three times. Each time I came real hard. They watched me cum and it felt great. They were all gorgeous brunettes. I loved it :)

Jock The Cock 10:05 pm, 6-Aug-2013

How About This Shaggable Dark Horse,Nicky Chapman,I Would'nt Mind Going Down Under With Her.

Jock The Cock 10:28 pm, 6-Aug-2013

I Would Love To Shag Actress Sunetra Sarker From BBC's Casulty, What A Pair Of Tits She Has.

Richard III 1:57 pm, 12-Aug-2013

Im sure Carol Kirkwoods tits are getting bigger-or is it just my imagination! Anyway think its way over due for Carol to do the weather one morning in her g string-oh come on Carol its for charity you know!

Doesn't matter 11:00 pm, 20-Aug-2013

Agree with Rich Price, far too many not getting the gist. On the Sue Perkins thing I get it but I won't get it. Fortunately my missus is Bisexual and she digs on her so I could just let the ladies get on with things whilst having a crafty tug and drop a load over her spunk goggles when the moment arrives. Quite happy to take a hit for the Team if need be.

Matthew Pike 11:55 pm, 20-Aug-2013

Gabby Logan, that's no secret. Flipping heck.

DW 9:47 am, 21-Aug-2013

Letitia Dean (Sharon from Eastenders). I bet she could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe

RANDYSCOTTYDOG 11:25 pm, 21-Aug-2013


Tonester 5:40 pm, 22-Aug-2013

Hey! Come On! What about Lucy (Verasamy) Weather? Now she has got to be worth a mention?

Tigerbeard 5:56 pm, 22-Aug-2013

Sue F*****g Perkins? Are you on crack? She's the reason God invented baseball bats studded with nails. That Charlotte Hawkins off of the Sky News on the other hand....

The Coon 6:53 pm, 22-Aug-2013

Put me down for some chunky lovin' with Vanessa Feltz.

Professor Knowall 9:18 pm, 22-Aug-2013

What about Serena and Venus Williams? Undeniably fit and of amazonian proportions..

Robinho 6:15 am, 25-Aug-2013

Some classics on here- love this topic! Una stubbs in worzel gummidge- anyone hear the rumour about her unusual sex fetish? Shifali - weather presenter on midlands tv delia in her younger days. I get someone said earlier you can't time travel. I live in aus now- they had a fox sports presenter a couple of years back called Sarah jones, very tidy with a kind of Aussie Marge Simpson voice. Charlotte Coleman- didn't know she was dead- definitely a no under the non- time travel criterion. Miranda hart would have a huge spadge and let you do pretty much anything you liked I reckon : )

WANKERTOYVSTILLS 10:46 pm, 27-Aug-2013


unloadmaspunk 1:28 am, 6-Sep-2013


unloadmaspunk 11:47 pm, 14-Sep-2013


average Joe 10:46 pm, 30-Oct-2013

My god, what a dire list. Did you tweet this from your cell?

ryhs 12:28 pm, 10-Dec-2013

you saddos know nothing; susan rae-great voice and boobies to match.

unloadmaspunk 10:47 am, 4-Jan-2014


Orson Cart 7:51 pm, 9-Jan-2014

Please show me your left buttock

Steve Harper 11:30 am, 10-Mar-2014

It was all going well until we got to Sue Perkins and then it just went downhill rapidly

Tony 11:39 am, 10-Mar-2014

OK let's play: Ginger Spice - Adding: seconds here for Letitia Dean - and if it's wet on a Wednesday: Fergie!

elder 2:44 pm, 10-Mar-2014

Fiona Buce?? Sarah Palin?? You need help. And probably a fire axe to crack your sheets.How about the housekeeper on two and a half men? You're thinking about ther now aren't you? You dirty boy.

Holden Caulfield 7:20 pm, 11-Mar-2014

Only seriously Perkins off that list, maybe Vorderman if I was drunk or Bruce if she found a pair of tits.

glenn kinsella 1:00 am, 12-Mar-2014

To hell with secrecy.GABBY I LOVE YOU.

John Lake 5:03 pm, 12-Mar-2014

Clare Balding anyone?

BenJohn 12:01 am, 13-Mar-2014

Susannah Reid gets me up in the morning, but Carol Kirkwood is my guilty secret. Kirsty Young should be in the list, as should Cristine Lagarde and Sally Bercow. No mention of Novella? Now I know she's a coke head she's even more fuckable

Bob from Chippingnorbury 10:10 pm, 16-Mar-2014

They would all get it, even Pip Schofield.

unloadmaspunk 6:38 pm, 30-May-2014


allen 1:15 pm, 1-Jun-2014

The top one for me at the moment is Jo Coburn from The Daily Politics. Just a few days ago she was wearing a dress for a change and showing knees plus seceral inches of absolutely glorious leg. I couldn't half give her one !

scrumpy 11:21 pm, 4-Jun-2014

Deffo Jo Coburn there, Allen. One of my secret fantasies is Miranda Green, a regular on This Week. Would nail her right enough

mrtumble 10:27 pm, 17-Jun-2014

In no partic.order,flavia cacacce,Alex Polizzi,Kate bliss,shefali oza,Kate Silverton,Sophie Rayworth,Julia Bradbury,so many more,especially sexy amy, my 17 year old neighbour.Trust me she is fit!

unloadmaspunk 6:41 pm, 18-Jun-2014


JKMaster 6:01 pm, 24-Jun-2014

Got to be Claire Richards (no doubt good vocal!) and for pure gold standard Ulrika Jonsson yummy!

unloadmaspunk 10:30 pm, 2-Jul-2014


Dirty Irishman 7:47 pm, 15-Jul-2014

Vorderman? Jesus, I'd rather stick wasps up my arse!

SOS 8:29 am, 16-Jul-2014

Joe Coburn (BBC Daily politics) and while I’m on the subject I would give Angela Merkel one. She’s got nice tits and imaging her talking dirty in German. Oh yes that’s a guilty secret.

SOS 6:31 am, 18-Jul-2014

Not a guilty secret because any guy over forty has got to think she is a good looking woman. Kathy Hill from the 50 Plus adverts. This one will get half of you struggling to keep down your lunch. Tracey Emin! No doubt a bit of a rough ride but I bet she’s been up to some kinky stuff in the past. Those of you that survived that one better have a sick bag ready for this one. Margaret Beckett. Just imagine her orgasm face. Actually that thought has made even me feel a bit queasy.

Boris 10:53 am, 3-Sep-2014

What about Emilia Fox, Tara Fitzgerald, Hermione Norris, Amanda Burton, Cherie Lunghi, Mariella Frostrup, Zoë Ball? I'm never going to meet any of them but they are all worth "A quick one off the wrist" surely.

Digby Hamstersox 1:25 pm, 4-Sep-2014

uploadmaspunk you are a dirty cu9t

Digby Hamstersox 2:56 pm, 10-Sep-2014

Anyone else love a good long J .Arthur?

Gordon cuntbrownarse 6:10 pm, 21-Sep-2014

Uploadmaspunk is a total shithead

SOS 2:43 pm, 22-Sep-2014

How about Tanya Gray-Thompson? Ok she is not going to turn on the leg men but since she has stopped competing she has filled out and she has got an impressive set of tittles. Given the chance and I wouldn't mind helping her go the lav. We should all help the disabled.

jockthecock 12:19 am, 24-Sep-2014

Hey Mr Brownarse,I Think unloadmaspunk's Choice Of Shaggable Women Are All Top Notch,I'm Just About To Jizz Off To Another Scots Spunk Bucket Favourite Of Mine. Carol Kirkwood,I'm Never Under The Weather With Her, Ooooooooooooohh Spurt.

jockthecock 12:26 am, 24-Sep-2014

Mr Brownarse,What's Your Choice Of Wankable Material Wee Boys,Unloadmaspunk Are All Top Notch

walker 9:52 pm, 26-Sep-2014

In no particular order... Carol Vorderman Victoria Coren Kate Garraway Fiona Phillips Mishal Husain Suzanna Reid Kirsty Young Sarah Millican Nigella Lawson Sunetra Sarker and maybe Mary Nightingale for a wild card.

porciestreet 1:46 pm, 18-Oct-2014

7of9 anyone;....... SSorry, I'm off for a sherman...BFN.

Vin 11:18 am, 30-Oct-2014

The key here is 'secretly' fancy. Some of the suggestions here don't count because they're not guilty secrets. Susannah Reid? No need to be coy about fancying her. Or Fiona Bruce. A real secret attraction would be someone totally left-field like Margaret Thatcher. Excuse me, I've just been sick in my mouth.

Tom 12:00 am, 8-Nov-2014

You've missed the point some of you, it's secret fancies I.e women who we fancy and shouldn't. my top ten: Gabby Yorath, Kirtsy Allsop, Lorraine Kelly, Sarah Millican, Kirsty Wark, Miranda Hart, Nicky Morgan(New education minister), Martha Kearney, Victoria Coren, Carol Kirkwood

jockmacock 2:29 am, 9-Nov-2014

My new cum celebrity is Dame Helen Mirren ,What A Sexy OAP She Is.

The mad englishman 2:19 pm, 11-Dec-2014

Sian Williams, Susannah Reid, Catherine Southon, Kate Bliss Carol Vorderman those would be my top 5 in random order

The mad englishman 2:22 pm, 11-Dec-2014

i almost forgot to add Lucy Alexander to the list, would love to view a house off screen with her

unloadmaspunk 3:26 am, 14-Jan-2015

I Would Love Sarah Millican 2 Give Me A Blowjob Just So I Don't Have To Llsten 2 Her Irritating Voice, Then Let Her Gag On My Thick Hot Spunk, PS I Really Love Her Tits.

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