The Best Of British

Remember Cool Britannia? Geri Halliwell’s Union Jack dress? No me neither it’s buried under all the hate we’ve built up for the country we live in.
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Remember Cool Britannia? Geri Halliwell’s Union Jack dress? No me neither it’s buried under all the hate we’ve built up for the country we live in.

I don’t know about you but I like being British, it’s not really as bad as everyone goes out. Sure we fucked up a bit on the old government but I, not saying who I voted for or anything because we all know how vulgar that is, had nothing to do with that massive balls up. But, that aside, I think we’ve got it pretty good, so good infact that I decided to write a list of things that are good about Britain, 30 things in fact, it was going to be 50 but My Super Sweet Sixteen is about to come on and if there's one thing I love more than writing lists it's watching teenagers have tantrums.

Obviously this is my list and not everyone will appreciate Simon Cowell which is good for me because it means I have more of a chance...

  1. You can have an hour long debate about whether it's Scons or Scooooones and still never really know the answer. (It’s Scons)
  2. Fish and Chips
  3. His royal gingerness Prince Harry, William’s not bad either
  4. Brighton Pier in the sunshine
  5. Kate Moss – There has never been a model cooler and she’s 30 shitting 4
  6. Big Ben, it’s like the biggest clock in the WORLD (I didn’t actually look this up I’m just guessing)
  7. Burberry – Sure it went through that crappy period. Thank you chavs. But it’s back on top chequered lovely form now
  8. Pimms, Pimms and some more Pimms
  9. It's not just food, it's M and S food
  10. Blackberrys eaten straight from the bush (they probably do have these in other countries)
  11. Simon Cowell
  12. Eastenders or should I say Peggy 'Get outta my pubbbbbb' Mitchell
  13. Shakespeare, yes it's a cliche, but fuck it, it's true he’s so good I’m named after one of his characters. True (slightly pretentious) fact
  14. You can enjoy the delights of the formal queuing system everywhere, in the bank, in TESCOs, in your work's office toilets – it’s just all too exciting all standing in line like that, so perfect, so ordered
  15. You can sit on the beach, in your raincoat, it’s like experiencing two seasons at once
  16. Gordon Ramsay, god he's sexy
  17. Swearing, British people are better at cunting fucking shitty bollocks swearing that anyone else in the twatting world. And we’re bloody proud of it too
  18. The class system – What else would we debate in the cold winter months other than...
  19. The weather, well, you can’t say it’s not varied
  20. Penny sweets, ok so you have to travel about 600 miles to find a shop that actually sells them for a penny anymore but that’s half the fun
  21. British people are far funnier than Americans, I'm not entirely sure what the point of that comparison is but I'm sure as hell going to make it anyway
  22. Baked beans on toast
  23. Freedom Of Speech, sure what a lot of people say is complete and utter rubbish but we reserve entirely their right to say it
  24. Heston Blumenthal (He’s basically only on the list because he’s on the tele box at the moment and I like his food)
  25. River-side beer gardens
  26. An utterly shit football team, who we support we all our hearts despite knowing we will never win (sorry boys, no not the footballers that are shit, actual boys I might want to date who like football who I don't want to offend)
  27. Going to Ikea, as a family outing
  28. Body Shock: “My seven headed baby”, “I’ve got 27 arms and I’m god damn proud of it” nothing makes you feel better about yourself like a modern day freak show
  29. Dave Lamb - Come Dine With Me, my hero, my idol, my future husband (if Simon Cowell falls through)
  30. Wimbledon, well, the strawberries and cream that go with it

Now, if anyone has any further suggestions you may enter them in the little box below, because that's what it's like in Britain, you can do things like comment on shit. I know, TOO BLOODY COOL.

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