The Curious Case of the Oscars Love Curse

Many don't know this, but half of the people who win an Oscar end up losing their partners to it. Behold the curse of the Oscars...
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Many don't know this, but half of the people who win an Oscar end up losing their partners to it. Behold the curse of the Oscars...

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A string of ridonkulously hot, talented, leading Hollywood women have hit the dizzying career high of being named Best Actress at the Academy Awards, only to have their real-life beaus split soon after their woman brings home their shiny, hard, gold-plated, bald beau.

The stats don’t lie, the Oscars curse is real. Here are some of its most high-profile victims….

Halle Berry

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Won for Monsters Ball in 2001

Divorced husband, Eric Benet, in 2005.

Exactly what kind of outside-of-his-mind moron has the audacity to divorce a Bond Girl? Answer. Eric Benet. OK, this guy seemed like a greasy, filthy adulterer all along but still, his timing labels him a weak, misogynistic Oscar curse club member. You may have four Grammys yourself but we still don’t know who you are.

Reese Witherspoon

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Won for Walk the Line in 2005.

Divorced husband, Ryan Philippe in 2007.

Trout-pouted Ryan was rumoured to have cheated on the church-going Reese with lads mag favourite, Abby Cornish. Bad boy. He used to be the mega-babe in the relationship and she was just the geeky one with the big forehead in tween porn extravaganza, Cruel Intentions when they got together. Perhaps Philippe couldn’t handle the sudden shift in star power. He was languishing in the wings with minor roles in Gosford Park (you don’t even remember him in that, do you?) and some other TV shit, while she rode the Legally Blonde box office train to her career-defining role as June Carter Cash opposite Joaquin Phoenix’s, Johnny.

Charlize Theron

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Won for Monster in 2003

Left long-term partner, Stuart Townsend, in 2010.

These guys were together for a decade and were one of those Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell, “we’re so tight we don’t NEED to get married” types, then Charlize had us with our jaws on the floor with her h.a.r.r.o.w.i.n.g portrayal of serial killer, Eillen Wournos, in Monster, and Townsend could no longer take the heat of his lady’s sizzling career, and split. She went on to The Italian Job, a gig fronting Dior ads and a pretty high-larious turn in indie-comedy, Arrested Development. Townsend’s IMDB roster has NOT matched his former, newly buzz-cutted, flame’s. I hear he’s a kind of a big deal in theatre, which must be nice for him.

Hilary Swank

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Won for Boys Don’t Cry in 1999 & Million Dollar Baby in 2004

Split from husband, Chad Lowe, in 2006.

Chad was man enough to stick around for his then wife’s SECOND much-deserved Oscar win but the curse finally got the better of him… Hilary famously forgot to thank her z-list husband in her acceptance speech for Boys Don’t Cry, but I refuse to believe even someone with a brain so melted by meth and alcohol would be so immature as to cite that as a reason for divorce.

Would they? We should cut him some slack though, as he’s had the career jealously curse from all sides, what with his MUCH hotter brother, Rob, actually having a career, only to marry the too Hollywood tootsie-roll pant stuffing, lady boxing power-house that is The Swank. I’m sure I read somewhere that having a partner who is dependent on illegal substances can put quite the strain on a marriage, but for the purposes of this article, I’m going to say it was the curse that did it.

Kate Winslet

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Won for The Reader in 2008

Divorced her second husband, Sam Mendes, in 2010.

Winslet has a history of getting close to her colleagues; she married her director in Hideous Kinky, Jim Threapleton, only to move on to Mendes, who directed her in Revolutionary Road. She left Mendes shortly after her big Oscar win and is now happily married to a nobody with a super cool (for an aging hippy) name, Ned Rocknroll. On a side note, have you ever seen her and “best platonic soul mate”, Leonardo DiCaprio, together?

They’ll see the light in their twilight years and start boning, I’m sure of it. Anyway, curse or no curse, I too would divorce a Mendes to marry a guy with the surname Rocknroll. You just would, wouldn’t you. And another thing, how come we’re giving Jordan so much jip for marrying for a third time when THIS one has racked up JUST as many matrimonies on the commitment whore-ometer as Ms. Price, or, Mrs whatever she is these days.

Sandra Bullock

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Won for The Blind Side in 2009

Kicked Jesse James to the curb a few months later.

James, very publicly, cheated with tattooed, reality TV personality, Kat Von D. What makes this all the sadder is that Sandra bestowed teary, heartfelt thanks on “that man right there” in her acceptance speech; little did we know he was already boning Tattoo Barbie, Von D, behind her back. Not cool motorbike guy whom I don’t know for what you are famous, not cool.

Kathy Bates

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Won for Misery in 1990

Divorced Tony Campisi in 1997.

Little-known ‘actor’, Campisi, obv shit himself when he saw his, formally adorable, wife ending it all for James Caan’s ankles with a sledgehammer in Misery. You can’t come back from that kind of thing, and for that we will let him off.

Sean Penn

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Won for Milk in 2008

Finalised divorce from wife, Robin Wright Penn, in 2010.

It’s not just the girls that can’t hang on to their husbands when it comes to the Oscars curse. Maybe Sean got a little too attached to “the lifestyle” when hunkering down with with mega babe, Emile Hersch, and DILF, Josh Brolin, in Milk and Robin, with her been there, done that, lady-parts could no longer compete. A less defamatory suggestion might be Penn’s well-recorded undying love for Madonna, and an even less defamatory (and much more fitting) angle could be that the curse just got the better of these two aswell?

So who’s next? Will Anne Hathway regret that moronically saccharine shout-out to her new husband, Adam Shulman, as she accepted her award for Best Supporting Actress last night? The pixie cut and show tunes MUST be getting old by now? Maybe he should split while he’s ahead; her acceptance speeches are only going to get more eye-roll inducing and self-indulgent as people continue to give her work.

My money is on Daniel Day Lewis. That loooong lingering embrace with (obviously, total behind the scenes filth monger) Meryl Streep as she handed over his THIRD Best Actor statue, no-one can withstand the charms of the Streep. Not even DDL.

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See?

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Seeeeee…?

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SEE?!