The Filthy Confessions Of An Online Sex Addict

If you're finding the politeness of Match.com and Guardian Soulmates a little twee, why not head on over to the cock shots and panty sniffing of Craigslist personals?
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If you're finding the politeness of Match.com and Guardian Soulmates a little twee, why not head on over to the cock shots and panty sniffing of Craigslist personals?

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"Just checking my Facebook dear"

I’m developing a sordid little habit that’s beginning to worry me. At first I just did it occasionally when I was drunk, then it became weekly, now it’s first thing in the morning when I wake up. I’m getting scared that I’ll be caught doing it at my desk at work. And I know that everything is fine in moderation, that nothing fuels an addiction like shame and that the best way to get help is to admit you have a problem. So, here goes.

I can’t stop looking at Craigslist personals.

It’s a carcrash of grime, hope, lust and romance. It’s a graveyard for all the people who couldn’t find a mate to write them an MSF profile. It’s niche (“I’m looking for a redhead who weighs no more than 50kg and is at least 180 cm tall”) and all encompassing (“I’m looking for someone who can suck my cock TONITE!!! Men and women welcome”).

My favourite ad today is an East London guy who’s looking for another fella to “play with my mantits!” mainly because I accidentally read it as mantis. The lovely thing about CL is that no kink is too specific, and I’d be surprised but not shocked to discover that someone got off on watching someone else hang out with their pet insect. And then there’s the “alarmingly attractive lady” after an “entrepreneur, businessman or investmentbanker” who is so serious about finding her quarry that she doesn’t have time to draw an electronic breath between words. So serious, in fact, that she stated “No casual encounters - NO FUN!” Good thing she cleared that up - I was going to don a strap-on and ask her if she fancied a trip to Go Ape.

If you’re new to the List, you will be baffled by the array of wannabe wank buddies, sugar daddies, doms and men offering free accommodation in their central London flats “in exchange for intimacy and light cleaning.” All human life is here. However, some kinks are more common than others. You know you’re a true CL addict when you start noticing the frequency of these:

Cock shots

Having done extensive research on the subject (which involved asking my straight girl mates) I have come to the conclusion that most girls don’t get aroused by looking at a picture of a stranger’s dick. And yet Craigslist hosts more pictures of penises than an exhibition of shit teenage graffiti. Yes, according to the picture the poster was not lying when they said they have “8 hot inches 4 u ladies” but the evidence suggests they also have a low resolution camera phone and no facial features. But there’s hope here. There are men throughout London and possibly the world who believe that all they have to do is put their erection on the internet and women will be banging on the door for banging within an hour. I’d love to know what their success rate is. The same penises are regularly reposted, which could indicate desperation or pronounced satyriasis.

I’ve had a few tearful phone calls with HSBC which have left me considering hitting up ‘Casual Encounters’ for cash before pay day...

The oldest profession in the world

Call me cynical, but I reckon the boys who ask girls to suck their cock for money might have a little more luck than the ones who are looking to get it gratis. You can spot the would be Johns in seconds because they like to spell with pound signs. “C£sh 4 g£rl 4 ma££age and more! £” is a favourite. Most of them state they’re looking for a “non pro”. Without wanting to sound like a moral dinosaur, I would class any woman who takes money from a stranger in return for sex as a “pro”. That said, I’ve had a few tearful phone calls with HSBC which have left me considering hitting up ‘Casual Encounters’ for cash before pay day...

The true romantics

Armistead Maupin once described an orgy as “a lot of boys being sweet to each other in the dark” and I’m pretty sure that’s how this lot feel about CL. Amongst the waving willies and wonga, they’re hoping there’s a dusty corner of internet where they might spot the Manic Pixie Dream Girl of their, er, dreams. Oft used and alarming buzzwords to look out for include “non conventional” and “loner”. “Non conventional” stuff they like includes Murakami, Lord of the Rings, tattoos and picnics. It’s tempting to message them and let them know about all the people hanging out on Match.com who enjoy “just relaxing on the sofa with a dvd and a glass of wine.”  I spent a week in email thrall to a gentleman who enjoyed the deeply unconventional activity of reading. It turned out he actually meant constructing elaborate sexual fantasies about female characters in novels, which is pretty much the best way to use a book.

From what I gather, feigning heterosexuality actually gets you much more man on man action – especially if you ask your potential lover to bring their girlfriends “panties” round “to sniff.”

Spam spam spam

A CL spammer makes a Twitter spambot look lazy and inefficient. There’s more spam on the site than there is in my Granny’s Protect and Survive cupboard. A good ninety per cent of posts end with the words “do not send me a link to pics! I know that you are SPAM!” Or “do not contact the 24 year old Swedish girl about kinky sex. She will ask for your credit card details and then you will lose money.” If I were to offer unsolicited CL advice, I would say that contacting her in the first instance is not the issue.  Emailing your credit card details was probably the bit that went wrong. But a bit of fraud keeps you on your toes. If you are going to use the site for a bit of borderline illegal filth, pay with cash. And don’t hand it over until you’ve had the blowjob.

No homo!

I’m not the first to notice that the site is awash with posts along the lines of “I’m not gay/but my girlfriend’s away/so it’s ok.” From what I gather, feigning heterosexuality actually gets you much more man on man action – especially if you ask your potential lover to bring their girlfriends “panties” round “to sniff.” This comes up a lot, so if you’re a coupled up lady in London about to go on a trip, you might want to do your laundry before you go. Because according to the List, “straight” means “I enjoy the company of my girlfriend and boisterous anal sex with strange men.”

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