Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?


image description
Music

How I Converted My Boyfriend To Bruce Springsteen

30
Life

How Not To Tattoo Your Girlfriend

5
Life

First Date Hell: I Spat Phlegm All Over His Shirt

5
Life

I Got Married On The Advice Of A Tinpot Psychic

2

The Day A Flasher In A Balaclava Ejaculated In My Hair

by Shelley Hammond
16 August 2014 17 Comments

I opened my eyes and there was a portly naked man in nothing but a balaclava frantically messing with himself...

It was early summer and one of those days when going back to school after your lunchtime chip buttie and can of pop just wasn’t on the cards. The sun was shining, clear skies and to boot it was Friday – prime bunking off day. So without too much persuasion I and two other female mates headed off armed with a bag of ice pops to the unused quarry which was a good 40 minute walk from the comprehensive school. Our other mate, Kristy decided to head back to school. Complete shitty arsed loser we all called her, as soon as her back was turned.

The quarry was a deserted bit of land hidden way behind a few farms, so any teacher who was out on the prowl searching for the cool rebellious sort would have no chance unless really determined to search out trouble and let’s face it they don’t care that much, even then we realised that. So safe in our secluded location we settled in for an afternoon sat discussing such important hot topics like “when you give a lad a blow-job, do you actually blow on it?” Yes, that conversation actually happened.

That’s when I bolted my head up into sitting position and turned around to get full sight. A portly white naked man wearing nothing but a black balaclava was standing a foot away from me whilst masturbating furiously.

But there we were, laid back skirts hitched up and catching some truancy sun. All three pretending to be completely chilled out with life, not a care in the world other than who we could ask to buy that night’s cider. Obviously the truth was that on the inside visions of head teachers calling parents ran over and over on internal loop as you starting to dread the moment you had to walk through the front door just in case that ill-fated call had somehow happened “Hello Mrs Hammond, this is Mr Hillditch. Just calling to check Shelley is ok….” Mr Hillditch for the record was my form teacher, who had a nasty limp, a fuck-off massive head and for Christmas in my first year I bought him a plastic leather briefcase from Argos. A creep, I know.

Anyway, I recall I had just popped to the loo (ones not twos and a nearby bush) and had returned, got settled back on the quarry edge and closed my eyes just as the other two were happily doing nearby. As I lay there, I started to get an odd feeling like something wasn’t quite right. Ignoring this as just my ongoing inner telephone scenario paranoia, I continued to lay with eyes closed for a few more minutes occupying my thoughts with what flavour 20/20 I’d drink that evening. Probably Strawberry. That’s when I heard something panting faintly followed by the slight rustle of a carrier bag and it seemed to be quite close by.

The sun was so bright I was squinting hard to see if there was something above me, but I couldn’t see a thing. Giving myself a hand visor I opened my eyes. Then I could see the dark outline of a figure standing directly above my head looking down at me. Slightly paralysed I laid motionless until I noticed the panting again. That’s when I bolted my head up into sitting position and turned around to get full sight. A portly white naked man wearing nothing but a black balaclava was standing a foot away from me whilst masturbating furiously. In his left hand was an Asda carrier bag, which I presume concealed his clothing and shoes! He’d taken off his shoes! By his right side a small Jack Russell was sitting looking directly at me, head tilted and panting. Just sitting there happily waiting for his owner to finish his business.

Fourteen years old with cheap coke and a flasher’s spunk soaked hair.

Suddenly I managed to let out a massive shrieking scream, just as he let out a massive load of spunk all over the back of my head. My mates then alerted to the scene jumped up and started legging it down the quarry, with me not far behind completely hysterical covered in some nut job’s jizz. We ran and we ran until we were out way out of target. Stopping to look back we found he’d vanished, as had his little pal. All three of us were shaking, covered in grass stains and quarry dust and I was, well we know what I was covered in.

Walking back through the fields I was beyond myself with panic. If I go home covered in spunk then my Mum was going to know I had bunked off school! Like that is how that scene would play out! Anyway, one of my mates ran into a shop and bought two cans of Panda coke and poured them over my head, whilst refusing to touch and screaming. Somebody probably suggested that I might be pregnant. It was a bad moment. Fourteen years old with cheap coke and a flasher’s spunk soaked hair.

When I finally got home my Mum asked if I’d had swimming today. I mumbled replied, yes and swiftly went for a shower. Not ever mentioning the true facts of what had happened that day.

I wish I could say that episode made me think twice about truancy. It didn’t. But to this day I don’t like Asda and I’m suspicious of any man with a Jack Russell.

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook

If you like it, Pass it on

image descriptionCOMMENTS

robin lee 12:03 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Very good. Gentlemen prefer Tescos.

Shelley 1:03 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Yes as opposed to the perverted (I was going to say dole waller, as it was midday and why wasn't he grafting? But then thought, well he could be on nights, couldn't he!) men think every bit counts.

pauline 1:09 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Thats the best use for Panda coke Shelley....Good story, i felt like i was actually there but im glad i wasnt if you see what i mean?

Astro kitten 1:20 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Night shift then leisurely stroll/casual wank. A man's got to wind down somehow I suppose..

Shelley 1:42 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Thanks Pauline and I know exactly what you mean, be weird if you thought the opposite..."Oh wish I was there..."

Hair Boy 2:12 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Great story, well written. Albeit completely fucked up x

Nat 9:15 pm, 9-Jul-2011

Should've used cream soda it lathers up better. Tsk ...... bloody kids, no idea about which fizzy pop is best used fer IRA naturists cum removal. Love you xx

TF 10:36 am, 10-Jul-2011

thoroughly enjoyable read!

Craig Template 10:21 am, 11-Jul-2011

Love it... great for a Monday morning. More from Shelley please!

Mongalong 5:29 pm, 11-Jul-2011

I'm sorry about that, Shelley, but it was a long time ago. Not since little Fido died :(

Amy Watts 6:47 pm, 11-Jul-2011

In your face Enid Blyton! I want more from the Infamous Three, lashings of Panda Cola and the unravelling of the Balaclava Man mystery... Ace stuff.

Sharon Close 1:03 pm, 12-Jul-2011

Made me laugh out loud, Shelley - brilliant!

johnhalloween 6:04 pm, 9-Oct-2011

Great story. I regret to inform you that I now shop at Morrison s as a result of this incident. My jack russell has since passed away but I now have a voyeuristic labradoodle with a penchant for nuns in latex uniforms

Martin Appleby 5:09 pm, 26-Aug-2012

crist, I'd be scarred for life

Wasted Troublemaker 9:47 pm, 26-Aug-2012

You are a bit of a munter and most certainly don't have nice hair. The poor chap must have been desperate! You should take it for the extremely kind compliment that it was.

typical stuff 7:12 pm, 22-Aug-2014

Typical muslim behaviour. I'm surprised he didn't rape you also.

Jeff 11:38 pm, 23-Aug-2014

You did very well to come out of this mentally unscathed . Beware of naked portly masturbators

Leave a comment

Life image description SABOTAGE

1