The Diet To End All Diets

Tried (and failed) atkins? Can’t be bothered with carb cutting? Well not to worry here at Sabotage we bring you a revolutionary new diet. *Weight loss not guaranteed.
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Tried (and failed) atkins? Can’t be bothered with carb cutting? Well not to worry here at Sabotage we bring you a revolutionary new diet. *Weight loss not guaranteed.

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One can, Two can, Three can, Four

Fad diets are such a bore eh? You start off so well then two weeks in and your face down in tube of Pringles lamenting the fact that you ever thought to starve yourself in the first place. Well this is one diet that will never let you down. The Harioke plan is one that I myself have been championing for several months now. The name stems from the two constituent food stuffs: Haribo and Diet Coke, I know sounds amazing right, well, read on.

The best thing about this diet is that it’s easy, no recipes to follow, no messing around with powder, milk and all things that taste of nothing AND if that wasn’t enough, you don’t need to go to some scary health food shop that smells overwhelmingly of hemp to buy everything you need. Basically you just eat Haribo and drink diet coke, what could be simpler?

A few hints and tips:

When you start shaking from too much Coke don’t panic! Shaking is basically exercise, you’re burning calories, go on have another can, you know you want too.

Only eat the Haribo you like, for me it’s the hearts and the eggs, give the others to someone else. This will make you feel like you are exercising tremendous restraint and there is nothing more important to dieting than restraint.

Buy the 10p packets of Haribo to have on your person at all time. When you’re out for dinner order a side salad, sneak to the toilet and eat one. You have just saved yourself the price of a main course and about 60000000 calories.

When you’re out don’t bother with any of that alcohol and drugs shit. The caffeine and e numbers will have you so hyper people will think you’re on something anyway.

No need to go to the gym with this diet plan, putting 60p into the vending machine? Great for the triceps. Bending down to pick out your purchase? Basically toning every part of your body, you’ll be fat to fit in no time.

Started to get spots from your sugar overload? Buy a better foundation.

Want to have some people round for dinner but worried they won’t like your new diet plan? Don’t bother, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels and you don’t want those fatsos bringing you down.

If you ever get really hungry and slightly bored of only eating and drinking one thing have a cigarette everyone knows there’s no calories in smoking.

Now that you’ve got the low down all that is left to say is good luck!

COMING SOON: the Harioke diet group, weigh ins not necessary as the results will be all too clear to see on this fantabulous new diet.

With Love Harioke founder and chief enthusiast Olivia Foster.

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