Recent data collated by The Guardian has suggested that this fine generation is more self-interested and less community minded than those generations that preceded us. The data does not lie. It is correct. We don’t give a shit about anything other than ourselves, and you know what, that’s really nice. Who cares about other people? Not us! Who cares about poverty? Not us! Who cares about climate change? Not us! This is so liberating and fantastic I just want to go and celebrate. But not with my friends or anything, no, that would be too community minded; I’m going to go and get pissed on my own and buy a suit on eBay to wear to Tesco’s so everyone thinks I’m going into banking. I am going into banking. Banking is really brilliant. It’s like playing Monopoly, but with real money, so it’s way more exciting.
The survey suggests that we don’t care about our neighbours as much as the ‘baby boomers’ or ‘generation x’ used to. And this is a bad thing? How is my utility maximised from ‘hey Barbara how are you’ or some other innocuous pleasantries? It’s not! If it was ‘hey Barbara, do you want to have sex’ then my utility would be maximised if the reply is yes. It is obvious that Barbara was very attractive as a younger woman. But it’s not so forget it. We have to ask about the weather or, how they are and they won’t have sex with us like that. It takes effort. I don’t care how you are Barbara, I truly, truly don’t. There is nothing quantifiably good about talking to neighbours, or even building up a relationship with them, so why bother? It’s pointless, I’d be better off talking to myself, because then I can say nice things.
“Hey Fionn, how are you?”
“I’m good man, I really like your coat mate, it’s beautiful”
“Oh thanks man, I like your face it’s really nice”.
Now that is maximising my utility isn’t it. Not only have I been told I have a lovely coat, but also a lovely little face. What could be bad about that? Seriously? Nothing. Nothing about that is bad. My utility is maximised and so is my ego. Bingo.
The results of the survey also suggest that we don’t care about the wider British community and society. For example, apparently our generation has no love for the NHS. And too right! Who bloody cares about the people in hospital? Unless it’s me in hospital (which won’t ever happen because I’m invincible), or maybe a family member, and at a push a good friend, then I might care a bit. But it’s not. I don’t know these people, why should I care if people are suffering and dying and what not. It’s not affecting me in any way personally. The NHS is so archaic. Looking after those in society who can’t afford to themselves? Oh give me a break you pontificating fools. I mean literally that is just silly. It’s just ridiculous. Let them die, let them die, let them die.
Another thing we’re being berated for is that apparently we don’t care about the welfare state, and we’re not as proud of it as we used to be. Yes. And? Your point? The welfare state is just a monumental waste of money. I think it’s quite clear and evident that if you’re stupid enough to need you know, support, be it financial or any other kind, and from the government then it is your own fault. That is obvious to me. I mean, why the fuck should my taxes go (I don’t pay any taxes but if I did it would be an outrage) to some pauper who needs money for her kids or something ridiculous like that. It’s not my problem!
No, my problem is whether I should spend my hard-earned student loan that I earned by filling out this really arduous and intellectually challenging form, which really took ages, like the best part of an afternoon (fucking hell!), on the following: a) booze; b) drugs; c) clothes to make me look fantastic; d) clothes that make me really fucking gorgeous; e) prostitutes; f) the new iPhone; g) hats. I think it goes without saying that all these things are very, very pressing. So, when I’ve got such big massive issues on my mind, then why would I want to give my hard earned future money (I’m going into banking remember so I’ll have loads of money that is really hard to earn because you have to like fiddle figures and stuff) to some fucking poor person? Do they even have really nice hats? No, they don’t. And that alone is enough to let them fester in their horrible little council flats. Why, oh why, am I expected to somehow endorse and be proud of this farcical ‘welfare state’ that looks after people and gives benefits. Why?
Generation Self is not a criticism. You’ve really just got to look after number one. Look after yourself. And we do that. And you know what, it’s really, really nice and we love it. The most important thing in life is you, and everyone else can go fuck themselves. I’m off to play Fifa. It’s great.