Facebook. I know we’ve had our ups and downs but I’ve stuck by you. I’ve shared my slightly inappropriate thoughts and images with you, I’ve clicked on your shoddy advertising and I’ve even been reckless enough to ask friends to join us in our relationship. So why the fuck have you pissed all over our long-term affair with these utterly repellant changes? I could understand if you had maybe warned me first, perhaps had a chat about how we could improve our relationship. But no, you thought it best to invade my personal space and toss things up without asking. To make matters worse this isn’t the first time you’ve sullied our liaison with your meddling. I’ve had to put up with your shit for too long. Here’s five reasons why you and your changes can pack your virtual bags and fuck off.
Don’t tell me what’s important to me
I like to think I’ve reached a point in my life where I can decide for myself what’s important to me. I don’t need an artificially sentient web page to decide what order I should read about my friends hangovers, relationship issues or their dreary attention seeking in. I’m quite capable of weeding out the dross on my own thanks. What’s important to me will change on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. How will your algorithms know that I found the first pictures of Kev and Mandy’s new flat mildly interesting but I’d rather poke my eyes out with a stick than look at their soppy honeymoon photos? It won’t, it’ll just keep parading their vomit inducing happiness past my eyes until I unfriend them or end up in casualty with my eyes on a stick.
Rebranding posts as stories
When I last checked, people weren’t posting short stories to their feed. Can “Still hungover from last night’s epic lolz” ever really be described as a story? Nobody is channeling Kingsley Amis when writing a Facebook post. We’re too busy finding new ways to express ‘laughing out loud’ as succinctly as possible to put any real effort in to articulating our day out at the zoo. It’s a post, a sentence or two at best, not a contender for the Man Booker Prize. Call a spade a spade Facebook. Trying to class up the banal witterings of your 750 million users is like trying to polish a turd. And as I believe the old saying goes - you can’t.
Listen when we’re unhappy
The customer is always right. Never mind the fact that we’re not paying customers. We’re not happy. We’ve complained by setting up groups on Facebook, we’ve moved to Twitter to complain and if you won’t listen to our torch and pitchfork style mob ranting we’ll have no option but to up and leave. Know this Facebook, we won’t be including you in our Google Plus Circle’s any time soon. All we really want is somewhere to show off a bit and stalk people we vaguely know from the comfort of our sofas. Meet these demands and no one needs to get hurt, apart from Zuckerberg, he needs bringing down a peg or two.
Trying to class up the banal witterings of your 750 million users is like trying to polish a turd. And as I believe the old saying goes - you can’t.
No one likes a dictator
Over the years you’ve become more than a little controlling. If the people don’t like your shitty improvements you couldn’t give a rats ass. And why would you? You have billions of dollars. Yet as recent history has shown dictators aren’t doing so well at the minute. Take a leaf out of Twitter and Yahoo’s book. At least they have the decency to let you give new things a whirl. They don’t mind if you scurry back to the ‘classic’ version clinging desperately to the dark ages of the internet. Next time you plan on making a big change give us options. Don’t make us set upon your compound with an A-Team style tank made out of pipe cleaners and some crap we found in the shed.
Running scared from Google Plus
Man the fuck up please Facebook. Yes Google is harnessing some of the brainiest boffins in the world to make the next big web based gizmo, but copying Google Plus was never going to impress anyone. Revealing your new ‘Smart Friends’ list (which is uncannily similar to Google’s Circles) just as Google Plus became available to everyone was a particularly poor move. If you have to fix something that isn’t broken at least have the decency to be innovative. Copying just makes you the unlikeable kid at school that ends up making a fortune out of someone else’s ideas. Oh.
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