Yep, that’s right. Being overtly or even slightly obviously gay is no longer acceptable. London, Manchester, Bristol and other lead cities across the UK are awash with the new heterogay. He’s the guy in a beard, a beanie and a bomber jacket. His walk is more manly than Tom Hardy as Bane but he still likes to lay between the sheets with his lovely boyfriend talking about art house movies. Not that this defines his life anymore. You are more likely to see him with his fellow heterogay’s down the pub necking pints then you will catching up with the girls from work over cocktails.
As a gay man myself, it’s refreshing but awfully hard to keep up with. I was thrilled when I saw the numbers of perma-tan, funky hair-do wearing gays lurking around Old Compton Street start to filter down but trying to be part of the new heterogay movement has had teething problems. I adore the compliments I get on my new beard but when I’m crying into my pillow because it itches so much, life doesn’t feel as rewarding.
In case you’ve been living under a rock forever, gay men have been drinking pints in pubs and veering away from the camper spotlights of gay culture for decades. It just so happens that right now, for a younger generation of gay men, it’s never been cooler to be disassociated with anything associated with being gay (get it?) So, if you’re more keen on Girls Aloud and Ghd’s but want to be culturally relevant then take note of the below rules. Think of them as the do’s, the must-have’s or a general checklist if you are homo but want to look a little more hetero. If you aren’t gay but fancy keeping tabs on what’s going down in gay society then let these be your guide.
It’s the new accessory for any gay man wanting to adopt a more masculine appearance. In fact, think of the beard as a weapon. They also happen to be like, really cool so its an instant ticket to looking that little bit more fashionably relevant. Plus, you’ll look more comfortable at the bar ordering a pint if you have a beard, right? Just don’t be ordering pints of Fruli.
New Balance Trainers
The trainer thing isn’t new territory. For years, gay scallies (straight-acting gay guys who wear sports attire) have been sporting Reebok classics. The new league of hetero-gays are keen on the more colourful, retro appeal of a New Balance trainer. Especially if worn with a chunky white sports sock and a slightly baggy, well thought out pair of jeans.
Listen To Deep, Directional Music
Because at cool gay after-parties you’ll need to be nodding your head to dubstep, post-dubstep electronica or anything with a slow tempo and rumbling bass (The Weeknd are the obvious choice, Deptford Goth is the new name to drop though) When everyone’s in a K-hole, add the Sex and The City theme tune to any Spotify queue to remind you of your gay roots.
Baseball Caps And Beanies
They are a must. You’ll suit one or the other and either will go down a treat because it makes you look like you don’t care about your hair style . Vintage baseball caps mentioning an American team you don’t know are an instant ticket to becoming a gay pin-up. Beanies are good because they crossover from urban dweller to tortured artist.
Waving around a Malboro light like Marlene Dietrich or Patsy Stone isn’t going to get you into bed with that Frank Ocean-alike who is stood at the other side of the pub. Rollies involve so much prep that it’s almost like manual labour, which is hot as heavy-lifting is a straight thing. Plus, if you have good arms rolling your cigarettes lets you show them off.