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Is This Man Football's Biggest Idiot?


The Scariest True Story You'll Ever Read

by Chris Donald
31 October 2013 73 Comments

In the spring of 1998, I bought a hotel and converted into a house for my family. My brother compared it to the Overlook Hotel in The Shining but that didn't spook me at all.


We bought our ten bedroom country house in North Northumberland in 1997. Originally built as a hunting lodge, it had since been a private home and more recently an up-market hotel. It took several months to convert it into something resembling a family home and I spent several nights in the building on my own after a day of stripping out walls, tiles and hotel furnishings. My brother Steve visited one day and as we walked along the west wing corridor he pointed out the similarity to the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. I just ignored the comment. It didn’t spook me at all.

We moved in during the Spring of 1998 and the house seemed warm and homely if not a little large for the five of us; me, my wife and our three kids. Possibly the least scary room of all was the toilet in the front hallway. Narrow, wood-panelled with a small window letting in light, it was by far my favourite toilet of the seven we had to choose from. I spent many happy hours sitting there in the mornings, enjoying a peaceful dump and a read. I could almost say it was my favourite room in the whole house. And then it happened.

I’d been suffering from loose stools for months. I was never off the toilet. The doctor thought it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome (it later turned out to be lactose intolerance, but that’s not really important). One day things were so bad I’d bunged myself up with Imodium. An overdose on reflection. I was also suffering from an anal fissure (a tear in my arse) that caused incredible pain if I so much as farted. (At the time I thought it was piles, but that’s not really relevant either). I thought a few days without passing a stool would do me good. I wasn’t thinking ahead. Sooner or later I was going to pay the price.

He pointed out the similarity to the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. I just ignored the comment. It didn’t spook me at all.

The stool, when it eventually arrived, was like a sack of hardened cement weighing me down. I wasn’t sitting on an elephant, I was sitting on a stegosaurus. I went into that bathroom like a condemned man. I’d never felt fear like it. I sat down, breathed deeply, and waited for the movement to begin. It came in contractions, every time the pain getting worse. I breathed as deeply as I could, grasped the radiator, sweat ran down my face, I groaned and I grimaced. It was like shitting a roll of red hot barbed wire, except there’d be more give in a roll of barbed wire. And then, after ten minutes or so, it got stuck. The pain was at its height, and it got stuck. It wouldn’t shift, backwards or forwards. I rocked back and forth trying to hypnotise myself, trying to suppress the agony. I’d never known pain like it. I had visions of Elvis. I knew that if I didn’t bleed to death, my heart would pack in any second. I thought about calling to my wife in the kitchen to say goodbye. I thought how ironic it was me, a man who made a living out of toilet humour, dying on the toilet. I really thought that was it.

The pain reached a hideous crescendo, and I felt my bumhole rending itself in twain. Then I reached the watershed. The girth of the stool began to reduce. As the log slid slowly out the pain subsided. The feeling of relief, the joy to be alive, was immense. I was euphoric. Before wiping what remained of my arse I turned to look at the stool. It looked like a rusting German bomb unearthed on a building site. Like the fortunate family whose roof it might have fallen through, I was lucky to be alive.

The next day I went to the doctors and bent over while he stuck a telescope up my ringpiece. He diagnosed the anal fissure and gave me some ointment for it. Since then I’ve been fine. But that room has never felt the same. The ghost of that giant stool haunts it to this day.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Howard 9:15 am, 31-Oct-2012

I am crying with laughter.

Owen 11:12 am, 31-Oct-2012

Brilliant - I laughed like a fart obsessed adolescent!

James 2:12 pm, 31-Oct-2012

I've read this twice now and laughed as much the second time as the first. Brilliant.

Ian Hough 2:25 pm, 31-Oct-2012

Where's the fucking ghost, you cunt?!?!

Si 2:36 pm, 31-Oct-2012

"It looked like a rusting German bomb unearthed on a building site" - laughed me bollocks off

Poo Diaries 3:52 pm, 31-Oct-2012

Harrowing. This kind of Post-Poo Euphoria has been documented before. Nature's most potent drug.

Milt 3:56 pm, 31-Oct-2012

Happened to me in third year senior school. Incredible pain. My mind was racing, I thought the vacuum it must have been creating inside me would burst something else. Had burst something else. I'm laughing as I type this, but I genuinely do still wince when I think of that day, just after double physics, when I thought I was literally tearing myself asunder.

Rob 8:26 pm, 31-Oct-2012

Thank Christ for that, I thought I was the only one who suffered that sort of nightmare pooage!

Stuz Graz 2:55 pm, 1-Nov-2012

Thought it was going to look like jack nicholson

Keith Wildman 3:35 pm, 1-Nov-2012

In tears reading this. More The Shitting than The Shining.

Frontwheel 2 8:10 pm, 1-Nov-2012

Toilet humour rules

Whisky Bolland 8:52 pm, 1-Nov-2012

I can really identify with this. I almost called an ambulance. I could not see any way that it could end. Finally, I had to crouch on all fours in the shower, head down. Eventually, my brown dove flew free and all was well again. And awful evening and the most painful hour of my life.

jayne 10:18 pm, 1-Nov-2012

Made me laugh out loud.

Robin lee 10:24 pm, 1-Nov-2012

I once had an episode like this after a 24 hours of dehydrated flying. When it came the only place to go was a toilet used by gay men as a cottage in Double Bay, Sydney, the pain was so unbearable that I raked it out with my finger, messy but it worked. I'd been in there for ten minutes grunting, groaning and sweating, then when I came out of the cubicle with shitty fingers, there was 3 gay blokes stood there with mile wife smirks on there faces.....

Robin lee 10:32 pm, 1-Nov-2012

Mile wife? Mile wide

Milt 10:51 am, 3-Nov-2012

Any tale that features the phrase "...had to scrape it out with my fingers" is going to be horrible.

Dave Coakley 3:51 pm, 25-Dec-2012

Fuck me, this is the best shit story I've ever read. beyond hilarious!

Simon 7:38 am, 26-Dec-2012

OMG !!! That brings back some painful memories :-(

mart 4:08 pm, 3-Jan-2013

That is hilarious, nearly pissing myself like everyone else,

Nicko 4:46 pm, 8-Feb-2013

Wuthering Shites.

DC 7:08 pm, 8-Feb-2013

The funniest thing I've read in ages. At work, sitting at my desk, crying with laughter

no 2:52 am, 9-Feb-2013

"The Shitting"

Deb 4:38 pm, 10-Feb-2013

Still laughing since last night!

Andrew S 4:49 pm, 10-Feb-2013

Laughed even more the second time - great writing.

Matt Ketchell 5:58 pm, 17-Feb-2013

Excellent article made even more emphatic by the fact I read it (by complete coincidence) whilst on the khazi myself.

Rob 11:19 pm, 22-Feb-2013

Wife burst in room after hearing me crying...with laughter! Quite possibly the funniest story i have read...if Carlsberg did stories...

damian mark smyth 6:59 pm, 8-Mar-2013

Fuck me that's a scary one. I'm saving this for a night around the camp fire with the cub scouts...

DAGON WALKER 10:00 am, 9-Mar-2013

ALL BRAN anyone!

Ernie 10:03 pm, 4-Apr-2013

Even as someone who has suffered the pain of a fissure, this made me laugh!

Matty Doherty 10:35 pm, 14-Apr-2013

Being someone who has suffered for most of my life with opioid induced constipation I know where you're coming from........ No amount of laxatives work and it is excruciating beyond words........ NNNNNAAAAA !!

Cynthia 1:30 am, 19-Apr-2013

Is This Scary

Daniel De Witt 4:16 am, 26-Apr-2013

A Great Story about shitting your pants. That is a surprise it was'nt scary. I laughed as You said "least scary room of all was the toilet in the front hallway. Narrow, wood-panelled with a small window letting in light, it was by far my favourite toilet of the seven we had to choose from. I spent many happy hours sitting there in the mornings, enjoying a peaceful dump and a read. I could almost say it was my favourite room in the whole house" I laughed Like my trousers flew off. Boy I say champ. Now that's what i call COMDEY!!

DB 1:17 pm, 21-May-2013

If this story is true,then I feel sorry for you for the pain,if it was not,then please get something better to do than writing about German bomb like stools...and by the way,why is this under the title 'the scariest true story you'll ever read'??It should have been something like 'Real Experience Of Having Anal Fissure In A Scary Hotel Toilet' or something like that,would have been better..but nice try dude and I hope that you're okay now.

jake 4:49 am, 25-May-2013

this story sucks balls man

Sam 4:52 am, 25-May-2013

LOL! More like hilarious than scary xD Well if it was me I would be scared shitless too (no pun intended).

Kylah 12:35 am, 28-May-2013

wow, thought I was gonna enjoy myself to a actual story. so dumb. -.-t

Bromly 7:44 pm, 31-May-2013

What the fuck did I just read

Tenndaaallll 7:13 am, 4-Jun-2013

I almost pissedd myself laughing. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK. ;-;

myph 8:53 am, 23-Jun-2013

I will fuck your ass and its a joke U dumb fucks who cares about the title its meant to be like that for shock purposes

Justin Bieber 5:31 am, 1-Aug-2013

Good one mate , do you want medal or suck ma lil dick

jason 2:25 pm, 10-Aug-2013

i hate thes story

E 4:41 pm, 10-Aug-2013

The Great Shitsby

Iwasacowardtoo 7:13 am, 20-Aug-2013

I was suffering from the same "shit" and did a google search to find some commentary. You helped me "push" through the pain. It's definitely a horrifying experience and I can't really laugh yet.

Dagurlfromouttaspace 3:26 pm, 22-Sep-2013

Damn! Haha

Lou Roll 12:19 pm, 31-Oct-2013

Harrowing stuff. In my youth I once climbed the wall into a building site and did a massive log in a builder's helmet that had been left over night. I hope the owner of the helmet seen the same funny side I did the next morning.

j l matthews 6:11 pm, 1-Nov-2013


umesh 9:38 am, 17-Nov-2013

fake this was. .. don't try to make fool.

zoe 9:43 pm, 24-Dec-2013

this was was spposed to be scary.

XRaptor 8:06 am, 2-Jan-2014

This is super funny i went to my bathroom stared at the toilet and murmured to myslef "damn you" and the shadows on the toilet looked like eyes and teeth lol but it was funny not creepy i laughed then slapped now the seat and the face dissapeared

XRaptor 8:07 am, 2-Jan-2014

when i read about the hotel it sounded kinda like the one Jeff the Killer haunted :3 R.I.P hotel users :(

Kat 3:14 pm, 15-Jan-2014

Also had tears of laughter with this. absolutely hilarious!!!! grow a funny bone some of u!

Amber 6:12 pm, 12-Mar-2014

I am thoroughly disappointing...

Heather 9:09 pm, 23-Apr-2014

My mom and I were just sitting in the car when we thought about telling ghost stories to each other. I told her that I would find a real scary ghost story online, when I found this one I thought it would be a really good one. I started reading it out loud to my mother and lo and behold it wasn't just scary it was actually really funny. We could not stop laughing. The best part about the whole story is that you were expecting one thing while you got the opposite. That's what made it so funny!

El Tio 9:27 am, 15-May-2014

Potosi mines

Bro 2:33 pm, 15-May-2014

This ia a great horriable story

Ayesha 12:18 pm, 21-May-2014

What the fuck ? It's not that scary wow

Doria 4:58 pm, 26-May-2014

Well said, sir. I golf clap for you and a soft squeezing - squeaker for you, cheers!! 2:55 pm, 27-May-2014

This is hilarious

niel 8:55 am, 3-Jun-2014

Ironically,I'm sitting on the crapper when I came across this story..OMG..what a laugh..made my passing stools come out easier!! Thanks for that!!

Jeff 11:25 pm, 4-Jun-2014

I cant believe i actually read this story waiting for a ghost

Shivi 7:44 am, 5-Jun-2014

waw.not scary. i gota scarier 1 lol

nicki 12:06 pm, 7-Jul-2014

Funniest story EVER! My hubby and I were crying with laughter! I was still waiting for the ghost at "tear in my arse"!!! I could barely read it out loud from laughing so much. One of those stories that will creep up on u & u will burst out laughing again!

Jeanie 10:41 pm, 29-Jul-2014

How dumb is this? DUMB! REALLY DUMB!!

autumn 10:05 pm, 2-Aug-2014

omg that was hallires you are so funny

Narendra 3:59 pm, 6-Oct-2014

omg that was....sooOOOoo.......sunny/........u cant live with out laugh,,,,,,,:P

cimit 4:10 pm, 10-Oct-2014

That was so fucking funny but not scary at all

chance 4:12 pm, 10-Oct-2014

That was funny not scary

potter aton 4:14 pm, 15-Oct-2014

I was shit scared ... funny ...

MANGKALI 8:34 am, 23-Oct-2014


foxy 12:11 am, 18-Nov-2014

Fucking brilliant laughing my arse off here

COOL DUDE 7:04 am, 8-Dec-2014

what the fuck shit was this?

Tessa Petelo 4:39 pm, 17-Dec-2014

You are a legend. I thought to look up some scarey stories to keep me entertained during my night shift..... and this is just gold! you had me hanging off my seat hahaha

ibrahim 10:46 am, 15-Jan-2015

This was basically shit.

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