The Social Etiquette of Ugly Babies

He's an angel not a goblin, he's an angel not a goblin, he's an a...oh who am I kidding she's given birth to an alien!
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He's an angel not a goblin, he's an angel not a goblin, he's an a...oh who am I kidding she's given birth to an alien!

When people put up their baby pictures on Facebook instantly every person will jump to comment on them and it's usually something along the lines of:

“So cute, looks just like you/the dad/my mum when she was little, just adorable I love you and the world and everything in it and today has been made the best day ever ever everrrrrr because I have seen your little bundle of joy. Miss you lots even though we haven’t spoken for about 4 years but we should talk more because now you have a baby and that’s great. Best of luck from me and all the family, mum says hi by the way, Sharron xxxxxxxxxxx”

That’s sweet, if a little long, Sharron always did have a problem with being succinct, then you click through to see the little blighter. Bugger you think, I’ve clicked the wrong album that looks like a picture of a rather unattractive pug or a replica alien head, then you realise no, wait, that’s it, that’s the actual baby. You wonder, as you always do when Facebook stalking, if they know that you have been on their profile, can they tell you’ve looked? Could I just click away now and they would never know. You feel like you should write something but what, this baby is clearly hideous. You can’t write that. “Dear Kelly, really happy for you but your babies pretty foul eh, let’s hope its just ugly duckling syndrome Best O xxx” So instead you go for a non committal “Awwww, I’m so happy for you”, you don’t say you should meet up soon because otherwise you’re going to have to see the thing in person and it’s going to be a lot harder to hide your disgust in real life.

"Bugger, I’ve clicked the wrong album that looks like a picture of a rather unattractive pug or a replica alien head, no, wait, that’s it, that’s the actual baby."

Other also cruel, I say cruel it’s not that cruel when the baby is really ugly, friends will try to canvas your opinion, they’ll say things like “Have you seen so and so’s baby?”, “Did you look at the pictures on Facebook/Twitter/In the local newspaper?” you will then skirt around the issue until one of you finally admits how hideous it is. You will then sit and discuss for hours on end whether the person whose baby it is knows, how could they not know? The whole world knows for gods sake, you say things like “If that was mine I’d probably never let it leave the house” - you refer to the child as “it” because you can’t quite believe it’s a real person.

The worst thing in all of this is that the whole time it’s making you wonder what if I ever have an ugly baby? Impossible you think, I shall only marry and procreate with the most beautiful man in the world that way I will eradicate any chance of my baby being unattractive. Well, that’s all very well but what if your genes don’t gel? What if you do the sex and stuff and then 9 months later out comes a hideous little goblin? Would anyone tell me? Probably not. But, of course, being a non committal commenter myself I would know from the messages left on my pictures. But then what? Go around private messaging people “I know you think my baby's ugly” well if they do they’re sure as hell not going to admit it and then I’m not just the mother of the ugliest baby in the world I’m a psycho too.

Basically the only logical answer is to never ever post pictures up on social networking sites and only let the people who you know love you enough to lie convincingly see the baby. As it gets older it won’t matter so much because you will be able to improve it with things like makeovers and nice clothes and money to stop the other kids from bullying it. This is, of course, advice for everyone else my children will no doubt be absolutely beautiful.

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