It’s time to fess up. Tabloid testimonials from one-woman freak shows are my guilty pleasure. In spite of the outlandish nature of the stories and general incredulity that such people might actually exist, I am drawn to these pieces because I recognise every single character. Over the years I have met/worked with/lived next to such creatures and think it’s fair to say that many fall into at least one of the following categories:
- The gold diggers
I have had the misfortune of working for some very rich and powerful men. None of them have been oil paintings, most have held misogynist and dated views and fidelity has always been an alien concept. But still the women come flocking. Many are happy to turn a blind eye to the fact that their husband’s dick leads the dance as long as he keeps flashing the readies. These women exist; fact. They are not an urban myth, they do not have other interests and they go insane with rage when hubby dumps them and cuts off their lifeline. These females genuinely expect to spend their lives as princesses and if anything stands in their way they are unable to cope with whatever reality has in store. Death, divorce and destitution don’t hinder these harridans so if their chosen victim cops it, leaves them or ends up bankrupt they move on to the next at alarming speed. Never underestimate their desire to remain in a style to which they are accustomed. If they caught their husband being shat on by a rent boy they’d probably ask if it would be a good treatment for their skin…
- The professional mistresses
I don’t consider myself a puritan and whilst monogamy is my choice, I know plenty of folk whose morals are a little more fast and loose than mine. It doesn’t stop me being friends with them as I hold true to the adage that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw self-righteous stones. That said, I am still staggered that there are women out there who not only accept the life of a perma-mistress, but who openly boast about it. The part which sickens me is the justification element, such as: ‘she treats him like shit’ ‘she won’t have sex with him’ etc. Really? You fell for his bullshit did you? At your age ? (I know a 60 year old who has tolerated her lover remarrying whilst still keeping her at arm’s length ad infinitum!)
These women are no better than the George Clooney/Hugh Grant serial bolters. They won’t grow up and certainly won’t face reality. They are laying it on a plate and then wondering why the bloke wants to have his cake and eat it. Cos he can. Do I blame him? Not really. If I was driven by the guttural urge for a good shag and could still get one from a willing lady why the hell would I say no? Clearly he doesn’t give a stuff about his wife’s feelings but then neither does she. Their lack of self-respect and their ability to slag off a woman they hardly know based on titbits from some randy old goat renders me speechless.
They will pick up the fertility equivalent of the Argos catalogue and flick through it for suitable matches.
- The faux air-heads
Anyone witnessing the behaviour of one of these women can end up very confused. My mind is telling me it does not add up, yet in front of me is a woman of independent means, with a good career and embonpoint to match, acting like a simpering idiot. How did that happen? What was slipped into her drink to turn her from the capable and efficient machine she is in the office, to the giggly, baby-voiced people-pleaser in the bar? Sure we all have a tendency to go a bit ditzy when the love hormones kick-in but this is not the case outlined above. This is the woman who persistently uses her ‘feminine wiles’ to get what she wants. She turns it on and off at will and has an agenda. Lulling some bloke into a false sense of security, like a Black Widow spider, she makes him think he’s funny, charming and brighter than her. Up puffs his chest and his ego is boosted and whatever it is she wants, she gets it. It’s simply sad to see it in action. Yes it gets results but it is not a victimless crime. I know a publisher whose husband has been in bits because of her serial affairs but each time he complains she tells him how much it enhances her career and how she won’t do it again… God gave you a brain so why not use it and let the lech who will give you anything you want for an ogle down your cleavage go home for a crying wank instead?
- The frantic baby chasers
It is a truth that ought to be universally acknowledged that there are women who will try to get pregnant any which way they can. If they aren’t in a relationship then they will pick up the fertility equivalent of the Argos catalogue and flick through it for suitable matches. I know a woman who selected an American professor as her baby-father on the basis that it would pass on intelligence. She clearly forgot that as a septic he may have other aspects to his character with which she is not familiar. I doubt her baby came out dressed in leeesure wear chomping on a burger but it is still a bloody random way to select some semen.
These ladies usually go on to rear said child alone and whilst I still can’t stomach the notion of their own little vanity project, at least they aren’t chasing some hapless fella for maintenance. Other ladies trick a bloke into shooting his load somewhere they can harvest it from on a one-night stand and maintain an air of mystique over the child’s parentage. Not fair on the child and not fair on the father, both of whom have a right for the conception to have been better than her frantically shovelling spermoids out of a condom and into her nether regions.
The slyest beasts are those who opt to trick a long-term partner who has expressed no desire to have a brat, hoping that once it arrives he’ll fall hopelessly in love. I am no expert on bringing up kiddies but from my own experience, a reluctant father can remain just that till his dying days. You can’t force a person to have feelings for a child (as many step-parents will avow) even if it is their own flesh and blood. If someone has issues around parenting then do the world a favour and leave them to their solitary existence. There are them wot were meant to procreate and them wot weren’t.
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