We’re already well and truly into January and I wonder how many people have already buggered up their New Year’s resolutions and fallen off the wagon? It’s the same tired old tale every year- the clock strikes midnight and by five past you’ve already pinned some poor sod up against the wall at that tedious party you had no choice but to attend. They’re desperately trying to wriggle free but you’ve got a strong grip despite the fact you’re clutching a warm bottle of cheap Pinot in one hand and nestled in the clammy hand of the other is the sausage roll you took from the dismal beige buffet 2 hours earlier. ‘This year’ you slur incoherently into their wincing face ‘I’m going to lose a stone, stop drinking and finally learn to play the Albanian nose flute.’
Oh it all seems so possible after those 6 cans of cheap lager, but when you wake up smelling of sick on the 01st January it all seems a lot harder and reality sets in. Ho hum better stick to them now, especially after you’ve told everyone and if the fat cow in marketing sticks to her resolution of losing 3 stone so she can fit in her strapless wedding dress by June it means the bitch will be thinner than you. Weight loss seems to be the resolution of choice so if you’ve had a go and fallen off the wagon, you’ve stuck to it but those 6 chocolate éclairs are calling your name or if you fancy taking up a late resolution here are some interesting diets from around the world and times past to get your motivation flowing!
The Shangri La diet.
This involves low calorie meals at set times. The trick is to drink either sugar water or light olive oil in between each meal. Chugging olive oil not your thing? I also found a glug of motor oil and gnawing on carpet tacking had a similar effect.
The Banana diet
Japan is to blame for the banana diet where you, err, just eat bananas. They did invent Pokemon though so I guess I would eat bananas for a month if I had the encouraging face of Pikachu spurring me on every day. Other diets of the ‘just eat one type of food for 3 months’ variety include ‘The Cabbage Soup’ diet- this one makes you smell like a slum so no one’s going to want to talk to you anyway. What’s the point of being thin if you can’t lord it over your friends because you smell too bad for them to go near you? Plus Carol Voderman did it. And the egg diet- although you can eat some other foods with this one it mainly is just eggs- I like dippy soldiers as much as the next person but after you’ve eaten them 16 times in one week they soon lose their appeal.
I guess I would eat bananas for a month if I had the encouraging face of Pikachu spurring me on every day
The Soap diet
Sometime in the 18th Century some guy called Malcolm Flemyng’s invented the soap diet- this guy reckoned you could lose weight by chewing on a bar of Imperial Leather. It’s pretty easy and I found squeezing my loofer into my mouth during my morning shower delicious and hassle free. However I put all the weight I lost back on when I got admitted to hospital with crippling stomach pains. Damn NHS meals! It’s ok though because the doctor said I had the cleanest insides he had EVER seen!
The Cotton Ball diet
Popular with supermodels is the cotton ball diet. You just eat cotton wool to make you feel full. Another popular supermodel diet is the ‘loads of cocaine and prescription drugs’ diet. You crash and burn at 30 and end up looking like an illustration from a medical encyclopaedia but at least you’ll finally be able to see your toes.
The Liquefy diet
A dude called Horace Fletcher came up with the liquefy diet where you chew the crap out your food then spit out any solid remains. I saw a man slumped in KFC on Friday night doing this. He appeared highly intoxicated and had weed himself and some young folk were taking pictures of him on their phones, I’m not entirely sure if that’s part of the diet but I got no reply when I quizzed him on this.
If all of the above fail you could just finish off that pack of prawns you opened two weeks ago and that have been sat in the back of the fridge ever since. But be warned this diet is not for the faint of heart.
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