This is the worst, I mean absolute worst, phrase to use when with a select group of friends. “Oooo you made a quirky remark that embarrassed a pal in front of our mutual mates. TOP banter”. No, that's not banter. That's you being a twat. People who use the term banter are top twats to match. Football banter, rugby banter, drinking banter; it's all the fucking same - you being a complete turboturd. It isn't big, it certainly isn't clever and you come across as an absolute fucknugget to the general public. This can also be shortened in text term to bants, or if you're REALLY fucking twattish, bantz. “That was Epic Bantz” just fuck the fuck off you fucking fuck. What's even better is that you can dub yourself 'The Archbishop of Banterbury', 'The Bantersauraus Rex' or 'Jose Bantonio Reyes' if your bantz is that epic. These are the people I hope slip and rupture their 'Banterior Cruciate Ligament'. Wankers
One of those cunty mashup terms, or “Shit Banter” to the cretinous, thundering moronic bunch of pre-evolutionary thundercunts. The breed of arseholes that use this term are the same that find it funny to 'Merk' their friends in public, primarily because they have “Shit Banter”. Well I'll tell you what mate, I'll have the last laugh because I'm not a complete fuckwit like yourself. Go back to wanking over Babestation and eating tins of cold baked beans and pot noodle sandwiches and laughing at the word 'Shit' in your alphabetti spaghetti.
These are the people that have the best banter. They go out drinking on a Wednesday - a school night - post photos of pint one, two and three to show how wankered they are with their equally “Laddish” pals. They're the type that wear big white shirts, blues jeans and brown loafers on Saturday nights, hang around in the Slug and Lettuce necking Peroni's, strawpedoing blue WKD's, declaring 'A League Of Their Own' the best thing on TV because "Jack Whitehall and James Corden are hilarious" and downing Jagerbomb's, “All aboard the Jager train” they'll exclaim as they look to impress every member of the the opposite sex, to no avail. They also have “Epic Bantz” i.e. they're massive cockheads that deserve a kick in the shin.
“I can't believe I sliced my finger off last night” “Standard” WHAT?! What the actual fuck is so standard about going out and slicing my finger off? Is this what I do every weekend? Do I go out with the sole intention of lopping off my digits to appease your sick needs? Standard would be eating a delicious meal and proclaiming it to be delicious because guess what? IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS! If my purpose is to go out drinking on a daily basis as I look to smash my head open, then yes that's standard, but it isn't. Why would it be? Who does that? Do you? NO.
There is nothing cheekier than a beer on a Thursday night. The weekend is right around the corner, the beers are cold and nobody else is out drinking. They're so cheeky, aren't they? I mean, it's a school night and I have work tomorrow. Ooooo cheeky! The cheekiest of alcoholic beverages. Cheeky. Here's something cheeky, right? How about you cheekily fist yourself?
Ah, 'You Only Live Once' I mean, you might as well seize the opportunity to do what you want, grab the devil by the horns and fuck him up the arse, right? YOLO. Yeah, you only live once, unless you're immortal or the WWE's Undertaker, who has died more times than I wank in a day, so why not spend it acting like a tosspot. “I went out on a few cheeky beers on a Thursday night. Standard. I mean, Yolo right?” Whoopdy fucking do, do you want a fucking medal and a parade because you spent the Friday at your desk with your head in your hands and your shirt a bit ruffled? Try telling that to Felix Baumgartner after he leapt out of a pod 23 miles in the air. Oh, wait you can't. And why's that? Because you went out for a few cheeky beers on a Thursday night? Yeah, thought as much.
Does anyone really say this when they're eating? Stop saying it when food is mentioned, stop hashtagging it on Instagram and stop taking photos of it. Nobody gives a flying fuck what you're eating for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I know, I'll take a picture of my food AFTER it's been through its digestive transit 24 hours later, yeah?. Hashtag 'Nom Nom Fucking Nom' indeed.
The typical Sunday morning status. “Oooo one Jagerbomb too many on my standard cheeky beer Saturday with the lads. Epic Bantz and now I'm SO hungover at home on Sunday. YOLO”. Nobody gives two shits how hungover you are on a Monday through 'til Sunday, yet people insist on updating everyone as to how many pints of lager, glasses of wine or double vodka Red Bulls they consumed the night before. I'll tell you what, how about you spend less time wanking over your ex-girlfriend's best mate on Facebook and actually do something about your hangover. I couldn't give a flying fuck how shit you feel the morning after a night out. Go eat some food, get some fresh air and piss off.
'On The Lash/Pull'
Another for ladz, because they're so fucking laddy, right? Let's all go out and belittle women, thrust ourselves upon members of the opposite sex and beg them to touch our cock in the vain hope we'll all collectively lose our virginity by the time we turn 35. I'd rather spoon my eyes out with a rusty ice cream scoop then associate myself with these donkey raping shit eaters.
I've only heard this once and it made me want to aggressively punch a child in the back of the head.