This Is The Future: A News Report From The Year 2034

We've got Starbucks crematoriums, the banks own the trees, and families are being locked up in workhouses. Welcome to the future, my friends...
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We've got Starbucks crematoriums, the banks own the trees, and families are being locked up in workhouses. Welcome to the future, my friends...

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Starbucks loyalty crematoriums are now oversubscribed. The crematoriums, established in archaic 'Fire Stations' closed by Lord Boris Johnson in 2014 pledge cremations for anyone buying upwards of 2 promotional drinks per week for at least 5 years. A spokesperson for Starbucks said "we can no longer guarantee cremations for new members, therefore memberships are suspended indefinitely". Starbucks are considering marketing a range of frozen refreshment products with a similar manner, in order to facilitate refrigerating loyal customers who are part of the backlog of cremations.

The last NHS nurse to work in London has now been made redundant and has moved to East Grinstead where she will live in penury. After the conservative government re-appropriated and streamlined the remaining NHS annexes there was no longer a job for her, the national ban on ex-NHS nurses working for private health establishments has meant working and living in a health commune is her only option, for every year she works (for accommodation and food only) in the commune she will receive one year’s care, after she reaches 75 years of age. She is currently sixty years old.

All of the retail outlets on Camden High Street, London, are now either estate agents, traditional 'offline' betting outlets, coffee nodes or banks, the last remaining pre-2020s store closed its doors yesterday, Rubber Stuffers Body Modification (sponsored by Amazon Lifestyle) known by its patrons as 'Rub-Stuffs-Bod-Mods (sponsored by Amazon Lifestyle)' is going to become the flagship Costa-Inject rehydration node. Local residents were happy that the street is finally fully 'chained', as they felt that 'indie' stores, especially modification centres, were untrustworthy.

In the 'Annual National Bitching Awards' the award in the category 'Longest Whispering Campaign' went to 17 year old newcomer Rihanna-Adele Porter, the youngest to ever win an award since its inauguration in 2015. She said "It was quite easy, the campaign lasted a few months, I started by putting out my poison to her third-level Twitter followers, sometimes verbally, then following up with anonymous tweets, upgrading the rumours, then by the 7th month I could feel her crumbling and I was close to completion, I think the panel gave me the award due to my persistency after she had the nervous breakdown. I still didn't let her know it was my doing. I will give my victim some of the prize money, she is my sister after all." An insider said that the hatred of her sister was motivated entirely by envy.

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After a long legal argument Romeo Beckham, son of footballer David Beckham has patented the circle in the UK. The shape, common on the planet for millions of years is now owned entirely by Beckham Enterprises. Argument regarded the legalities of the new owner being allowed to claim royalties on past users of circles, which may see millions being invoiced. It was decided that invoicing the families of deceased previous users would be unfair. World public ownership laws changed 3 years ago in order for corporations to be able to licence the use of geometric shapes. Apple already own the circle in the USA, many logos have now changed in order to no longer include what is now called 'The Apple Circle', therefore avoiding paying licence fees to Apple. Some companies were happy to give Apple part ownership of their companies in order to use the shape, and be associated with Apple.

A family of 4 were placed in a Family Incarceration Dwelling (FID) today after committing GBH on each other. The episode was manufactured by the father in order for the family to have somewhere to live and receive free healthcare, as they were soon to be evicted from their 2 bed roomed apartment, and one of the sons has Multiple Sclerosis. The statement of the father (a barrister who has had diminishing earnings following Sir David Cameron's Legal Aid abolishment in 2017) explained that he had the legal knowledge to ensure that they would all be placed in the same FID. He, his wife, and their two sons pleaded guilty to GBH perpetrated on each other at Haringey magistrates court. It is thought that the two sons (who cannot be named for illegal reasons) will be sentenced for longer periods, at their own will, in order to give them more time in the FID. They will be sentenced when the judge is back from his skiing holiday. This is a landmark case as it is the first time a family with no history of criminal activity or drug abuse has been incarcerated. The first FID was opened in 2020 in response to the growing number of vagrant families, they were based on pre-world war 2 workhouses.

A block of ex-authority flats in Cardiff fell into an Earth-Void formed by Fracking at 3am this morning, a total of 18 people may have died. Earth-Voids were never predicted when Fracking began but have now become its most substantial side effect. The now vacant plot has already been purchased by Nike Realty and the void is being made good and underpinned tomorrow. The site has has been confirmed as a Nike Food Experience Centre. As it was made illegal to supply ex-council buildings and certified impoverished communities with Fracking insurance in 2021 there is no funding to search for bodies.

App developer Jack Hamilton-Patel is building a private helicopter landing pad over the Luton digital academy that he attended as a child. After selling the four-billionth download of the app he developed while a student there. The 17 year old agreed to sponsor and rebrand the academy incorporating the name and livery of the app. He said "just 4 years ago I was awarded the prestigious 'Ultimate Aspirer' at this academy, now I have the top selling app the planet has ever seen, I have only myself to thank" The new 'Find-Fux' academy will open in September.

Barclays Bank now own all the trees in London. After agreeing a deal with Westminster Council last week to buy the final 8% of once publicly owned trees Barclays now intend to roll out their distinctive blue branding to their acquisition. Also they now own 40% of all private homes in the capital and their distinctive corporate designed roofs can be seen from the moon.

BREAKING NEWS- Version-Five Zuckerberg, Nephew of Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, is buying Wales. Full details are not yet confirmed. No indication has been given as to what he plans do do with it yet. The money generated from the potential sale ensures the continued regeneration of Liverpool as a prison city.

Follow Robin on Twitter, @robinhowardlee