Umpire's Arse, Keira's Clavicle And Wanker's Wink - A Miscellany Of Modern Conditions

Things are tough in the 21st Century not only do we have to deal with Justin Bieber, Alan Green and Vernon Kay, there's also a innumerate random conditions to worry about...
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Things are tough in the 21st Century not only do we have to deal with Justin Bieber, Alan Green and Vernon Kay, there's also a innumerate random conditions to worry about...

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We’ve all heard of Tennis Elbow, Jogger’s Nipple, Housemaid’s Knee, Writer’s Cramp AND, more recently, Mouse Wrist. (You haven’t? Well, look them up!). But there are plenty more modern and overlooked conditions yet to be catalogued. Here’s a few for starters…

Automatic Door Anxiety – see Toaster Neurosis (below).

Beckham Bum-Bone - see Keira’s Clavicle (below).

Blackberry Thumb - overdevelopment of thumb muscles due to over-use of said digits.

Cell phone ear - permanently hot red ear on one side only. See also: Mobile Cheek.

Critics’ Posterior – see Umpire’s Arse (below).

Drinker's Squint - not being able to see straight when pissed, so closing one in the belief that that will help.

Eavesdroppers’ Ear – see Safebreaker’s Auricle (below).

Escalator Leap loosely related to Travelator Two-Step. That funny little extra step when you exit either because you were moving faster than you thought.

Drinker's Squint - not being able to see straight when pissed, so closing one in the belief that that will help.

Facebook Fatigue – extreme tiredness and insomnia related to staying up all night, drinking cheap Merlot, writing pointless posts, statuses and comments.

Guilty Cock Syndrome - when a man tries to have sex with you but can't because he feels guilty about his ex or because he's married.

Height Restriction Crouch - the involuntary ducking of head as one goes under a low hanging sign, barrier or branch… in a car!

Kate Moss Patella - see Keira’s Clavicle (below).

Keira’s Clavicle (see also Knightley’s Mandible, Beckham Bum-bone and Kate Moss Patella) - a condition whereby unnecessary thinness causes protrusion of said bone.

Keyboard Claw – spasms in hands, resulting in claw-like paws due to over-use of computer keyboard. Not to be confused with Texter's Tendonitis, which only affects one or two digits.

Guilty Cock Syndrome - when a man tries to have sex with you but can't because he feels guilty about his ex or because he's married.

Knightley’s Mandible – see Keira’s Clavicle (above).

Laptop Thigh - burn-marks on upper legs.

Louboutin Balls - painful soles of feet, due to wearing high heels for extended periods.

Meldrew's Eyebrow - injury sustained to forehead as eyebrows exit to hairline in disbelief.

Menu Myopia - holding the menu at arm’s length because you are too vain to put on your reading glasses in public.

Minge Twinge - an involuntary crossing of the legs when one hears of an enormous baby being born without the benefit of drugs or surgery. Not to be confused with Tuppy Twitch. See below. (Fnar.)

Mobile Cheek – see Cell Phone Ear (above).

Plazzy Bag Palm – see Shopper’s Shoulder (below).

Porn elbow - pain in left elbow (if you’re right-handed, or in the right elbow if you’re left-handed. Work it out) caused by trying to operate mouse and keyboard with the ‘wrong’ hand.

Minge Twinge - an involuntary crossing of the legs when one hears of an enormous baby being born without the benefit of drugs or surgery. Not to be confused with Tuppy Twitch.

Safebreaker's Auricle - one numb ear brought about by constantly pressing it against cold surfaces. Also known as Eavesdropper's Ear.

Shopper's Shoulder - sustained by nipping to the shop for a loaf and coming back with a week's worth of groceries. See also Plazzy Bag Palm - hand lacerations due to the carrying of cheap carrier bags with too much stuff in them.

Snob's Snout - pain in the nose caused by far too much time spent trying to look down it.

Texter's chin - extra chin created by constant texting with head tilted downwards.

Thinker's Tongue - that little tip that pokes out the corner of your mouth when you are concentrating

Toaster neurosis - a mental condition that causes the sufferer to jump out of their skin at any sudden movement of a nearby automatic object. See also Automatic Door Anxiety and Car Park Exit Gate Phobia.

Travelator Two-Step – see Escalator Leap (above).

Tuppy twitch - that 'feeling' a female gets in her nether regions when she sees someone she fancies semi clad.

Umpire’s Arse - a condition where the nerve endings in your bum go numb due to prolonged bouts of sitting and judging. See also Critics Posterior.

Wankers’ Wink – A twitch in one eye caused by watching too much Internet porn on the way-too-small screen of a mobile phone.

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