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What Men Think Women Want (And Why We Really Don’t Want It)
So, you think you know what women like? You're wrong, you idiot...
This would really go with your Aryan blue eyes..
When I am not accidentally gluing my own eyelashes together or tripping over the empty tubs of houmous in my room, I’m often thinking about how evolved we are. Especially when it comes to gender issues. There is a growing awareness that sexism, like racism and paedophilia, may have been a LOLS-o’clock thing in the seventies but is completely inexcusable. However, sometimes misogyny lingers like the whiff of Drakkar Noir on a piano tie. I often get subjected to all kinds of shit, by boys, because “birds love this.” It’s always well intentioned. But it’s sexist. Here are some things that birds emphatically DO NOT LOVE:
The Signature Move
So, one girl you dated ADORED it when you used your nose to draw an ampersand on her earlobe. Or sucked her tongue like an eight year old trying to get the last milliliter of Five Alive out the carton. Or suddenly and forcefully rammed your index finger up her anus. Excellent. THIS DOES NOT MEAN WOMANKIND WANTS THEIR ANUSES FINGERED.
If you have ever described yourself as a “ladies’ man”, this fact about “ladies” may shock you: We’re all completely freaking different. One girl’s “don’t stop” is another’s “I am CANCELLING your subscription to Men’s Health, so help me God.”
Signature moves suck because they are the signature of a lazy and arrogant dude. If you want someone to touch your dick, put some effort into figuring out what’s going to make them feel good. If you want a series of identical sexual encounters, put the same pair of jogging bottoms every time you have a wank.
If you have ever described yourself as a “ladies’ man”, this fact about “ladies” may shock you: We’re all completely freaking different.
Romantic Comedies
I don’t get offended when someone calls me a chick – but it does bother me that some boys believe chick flicks will soothe me like CBeebies soothes the sulky toddler plonked in front of the telly. Hey Angela Merkel, have you been up all night fretting about the Eurozone crisis? Let Katherine Heigl and Ryan Reynolds soothe your anxious lady head! I don’t think she’s going to go for that.
Some rom coms are brilliant pieces of cinema. Working Girl is a work of art. Woody Allen‘s movies are perfectly pitched, nuanced and unforgettable – but they’re all about a boy, a girl and some LOLs. I love Bridesmaids so much that I’m tempted to go to Speaker’s Corner and tell everyone how great it is. But to assume that any film with a romantic premise will be hugely distracting and enjoyable to anyone with a vagina is INSULTING. Some ladies have broken their copy of The Notebook through overuse-and some ladies are on their seventh Full Metal Jacket DVD. We don’t assume you only like films with Danny Dyer in them, do we?
Scratchy Pant Presents
Hands up if you got your woman thrush for Valentine’s day! Pesky polycottons nestling next to someone’s womanly arena will have them fidgeting faster than you can say Vagisil. I know that it doesn’t do to look a gift horse in the mouth, but if the horse is made of scarlet polyester ‘with sparkle detail’ we’re going eye to incisors with the bastard animal.
Some guys are great at lingerie shopping, but many are mysteriously given to thinking that women want to wear the sort of thing that looks like it might come free with a set of wine glasses at one of the seedier petrol stations. If you want to do a Lovejoy role play or just like the feel of the static electricity generated by the man made fabric, you can ask your partner if they’re up for that. But it’s not a present. Imagine that your lover got really into scat, and thrust a gift wrapped box of their own poo into your hands on your birthday. Exactly.
Lots of lovely lady pants are available. Every lady I know wears good pants. Remember the sort of thing she usually wears and work around that theme. If you’re at the till holding grundies that look like they might engrave a girl’s intimate area with their own pattern, put them down and start again.
Hands up if you got your woman thrush for Valentine’s day! Pesky polycottons nestling next to someone’s womanly arena will have them fidgeting faster than you can say Vagisil.
Cupcakes
Man, have I got beef with cupcakes. In fact, I wish I had beef with cupcakes. It would improve the flavour enormously. Oh, hell, who am I kidding, cakes are ace – but never assume that a person is going to fetishise glittery pink icing beyond all sense just because they have a vagina. I know I’m not the first person to feel uncomfortable with the twee, retro, lady baking phenomenon. Let them bake cake, like Nigella, but let them remember that you don’t have to have balls to go balls deep in some offal.
So guys, baking isn’t a “lady thing” any more than running or collecting WW2 memorabilia or reading or making origami isn’t a “lady thing” or a “man thing.” It’s just a thing. Some of us are cooks in the kitchen and whores in the bedroom. Some of us come into our own in the garden shed.
Shopping With Boys
Most normal, sensible women hate shopping. An idle spritz around the Boots perfume counter of a Wednesday lunchtime? Hit us up. A little accidental Visa melting in French Connection? It happens. But finding a man with a fat wallet who will drag us around the shops for hours and drape us in a confusion of furs? I hope I speak for most ladies when I say I would rather set myself on fire.
Everyone likes pretty things. Your pretty thing of choice might be a vintage Dior perfume bottle, a Gibson guitar, an early edition of a Dickens novel, an iPad…whatever. It’s fine to want to possess and accumulate some stuff. But the suggestion that women want to spend days on end accumulating stuff for it’s own sake on someone else’s dollar is insulting.
Gift giving is ace, but it’s the thought that counts. And wearily schlepping around Selfridges and chucking your credit card about is kind of thoughtless. It was very nice when an ex boyfriend bought me a Vivienne Westwood handbag for my birthday, but I knew the relationship was dying because I’d seen him look more animated when buying bags of frozen peas. It was much more romantic when he bought me a raspberry jam Krispy Kreme I hadn’t asked for after a shit day at work. An invitation to go on a shopping trip with a boy is about as alluring as cystitis. One of the sweetest things you can do for a girl is offer to go to Sainsbury’s – and leave her at home.
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COMMENTS
Dear birds, You may be labouring under the impression that men really give a shit about articles like this. Well, I've news for you ladies. We don't. We just skip to the end to leave comments like this.
You know what women freaking adore? TROLLS.
"this fact about “ladies” may shock you: We’re all completely freaking different"... Oh the irony
Speaking as a woman, This is a terrible article. Words fail me. 'Freaking'?
just wondering if or when I cared what women want
Seems a bit contradictory to state that women are all completely different, then lecture us on what 'they' don't want! I'm not much of a football fan but a lot of women tend to assume I am. Can't say I feel particularly insulted or stereotyped by it. I just couldn't really care less, to be honest. Do you think I ought to?
I do like how complaining about misogyny and (what you have defined as) sexism comes in the form of misandry and sexism. This article is the same kind of bollocks that Caroline Kent writes - you have had the unfortunate experience of a few shitty men, these problems are most likely exaggerated for literary effect and the reality would have been that you liked these guys or their hearts might have been in the right place - even the 'signature move' (which has to be an anachronism in this day an age); most blokes probably wouldnt do it if he knows you don't like it. Plus, if the guy doesn't know you well enough yet, he might start somewhere, right? Obviously, if after some time his understanding of you is incorrect, then hes failed - it still has nothing to do with the rest of us. Oh, and of course, all women are different - except for when theyre the same; like when you want to write an article saying as much
I know how you feel though Daisy, I get subjected to all kinds of well-intentioned shit too. People offer me cups of tea sometimes and I drink coffee! Its just ignorance on their part but what can you do?
You say most women don't like shopping or romantic movies or cakes, but stereotypes exist for a reason and are largely based on a truth. If you're going to go out of your way to debunk stereotypes either pick on ones which aren't true/are offensive or try and be funny about it.
Love it when you put a finger up their bum, that's a fact you can take to the bank. And by bank, I mean bumhole.
I just checked an article on here titled: 5 ways to convince your boyfriend that you're not a nightmare girlfriend for the comments containing howls of derision from women, incensed at the suggestion that they may need some tips on what men don't like. Nope, none, just female agreement. Lighten up, chaps. Daisy is offering good (and amusing) advice and you chuck it back at her like monkey's throwing their shit around in a cage.
@Madame But it's not good advice if the author doesn't appear to agree with their own point! Plus, the comments aren't necessarily any more serious than the tone of article :)
Madame Sheath - "monkey's", can I take you seriously? No. Daisy, you have talent as a writer but you write about shit. Use it elsewhere for fuck sake.
Yup, that's right, Andy, one tiny typo makes my comment irrelevant. Perspective, eh? Cleave, the premise of Daisy's argument was that women are not a homogenous group and, from her experience, many blokes treat them as such. She then mentions some things often deemed ‘loved by women’ which may actually leave many cold. Perfectly valid point to make.
At the end of the day if a woman is not happy with the way she is being treated by a man, (or anyone else for that matter) it is up to her to speak out as an individual. I think you boys need to chill out, and Daisy needs a better argument!
All that you learn from this article is that Daisy (and possible some of her female friends) is an awful judge of character and has had several, lets say twatish, boyfriends. She then goes on to compound her problem by missing that point completely and suggesting this is typical of all males, in a stereotype if you will, whilst simultaneously arguing that not all stereotypes are true. Quite amazing but not in a good way.
This really made me laugh. Very witty, and at many points very, very true. It may not be to everyones taste (see the string of meanies above...), but that's my opinion. Now Daisy, please write more about, 'Made in Chelsea' so I can force my friends to read the brilliant synopsis'!
I must not be a man then. Although based on my body I am sure I am. Have never thought any.of this of women. so only you as a women are creating the stereotypes that women think men have about women. Guesswhat. They don't exist.
I notice you are complaining that men are being mean to you about this. If you write with harshness it is old adage, you get what you give. your post has a very mean tone and is judgemental so it will attract meaness back.
"All women are different! Whinge whinge moan moan blah blah. Now treat all woman like I want to be treated!" Self-obsessed Bridget Moans bullshit.
Sorry but this is very poor Daisy, and cliched, and stereotypical. I'm glad all girls or 'birds' aren't the same, otherwise they'd all be subjecting us to the same lazy predictable articles on sabotage times. and please don't use the word 'freaking' it makes you sound like a 15 year old american school girl.
Never listen to what women say they want. Best advice I was ever given.
This is an attempt at comedic writing because its certainly not even in the universe of realistic.
Shorehamview's comment is the best part of the article.
An article so shite they republished it twice.
God this was boring
Your bitter.....we get it. Yawn!
christ almighty fella's - get it together will you. am i the only man who knows what women want. a few hints lads. shopping corrie cakes dates (not sure about this one) girls nights out girls nights in fingering foot rubs baths pop music popular books
Women generally only want one thing: everything.
Are you saying women all have different tastes, you know, like men? Well, like human beings, individuals.This is a revelation, where's Mr. Pulitzer's phone number? Perhaps you're saying that men definitely shouldn't try anything that may have worked at another time with someone else? But isn't it a good thing that a man would try to please? All people try to please in some way, you tried to please with that little piece of writing but ended up sounding like a bitter, dried up, old spinster.
In my experience women definitely like it when I pay for shit. Maybe I only know whores? :)
That was pretty cool. An enjoyable read.
With articles like these, Daisy, you can always expect feedback like these. The Man vs Woman saga is older than a black MJ or Noah's Ark, whichever you prefer. Changes nothing. Not a bad piece. Could have been stronger and perhaps less stereotypical (for lack of a better word) in pointing out stereotypes. Then again, you were only pointing out the reality of things!
Like it or hate it, the first posters comment rings truer than any other part of this article. Women think men care. Men do not care, men weigh up 2 options a) Show that you don't care and risk a life without sex. b) Pretend you care and get laid lots. Everyting else said is redundant.
I thought this was a well written funny article. I don't think she's trying to change men's attitudes to women one article at a time, she's giving us a little light entertainment for 5 minutes, which is surely what Sabotage Times is for
Great piece made all the more entertaining for the comments from people who have either missed the point entirely or have taken it worryingly personally. What in the actual fuck?
@JDV - I agree, and therefore the comments shouldnt be taken seriously either perhaps?
Oh dear. Somebody generalising about men while ranting about something she didn't like about her ex-boyfriends. I have a feeling there will always be something wrong with whatever a boyfriend does for this woman. Most men will see this fast and stop making efforts which go unappreciated.
SABOTAGE
