What Pippa Middleton's Arse Did Next...

When your arse has the power to make two billion viewers utter a collective ‘phwoar’ what do you do for an encore?
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When your arse has the power to make two billion viewers utter a collective ‘phwoar’ what do you do for an encore?

Overnight her backside became a worldwide phenomenon and there’s only really one thing left to do -- cash in on it.  Here's a few ways she could exploit her asset instead of flogging party knick-knacks or following Kate round every time she decides to wear an impractical dress.

1. Join a criminal gang.

The super-powers lurking within P-Middy’s buttocks were so distracting half the world didn’t really notice infamous scene stealers such as Posh and Becks or Elton.  She’s already got contacts at Buckingham Palace and she’ll know her way around the place by now too.  I’m no master criminal but I’ve already planned her first heist.  Pippa could cause a scene (using the aforementioned buttocks) while her partners in crime leg it with the crown jewels - the actual ones, no one wants to see any Royal Family ‘nads on eBay anytime soon.

2. Partner with Royal Mail in a lucrative stamp deal.

Just think, Pippa’s behind could be featuring on your correspondence.  The jokes about licking her arse almost write themselves here, but this could be a winner for the Post Office.  Sales would go through the roof and people might actually start writing letters again.  The Queen may have something to say about it this, but when it comes to a choice between Liz’s chops on a stamp or Pippa’s cheeks I think we all know who should win.

3. Become a Government advisor.

Whoever’s in power they always need another arse round Westminster.  You can’t move for them there, yet they are always happy for more to join in the fun of expense fraud and scandal making.  Having lost Andy Coulson this year Cameron must be desperate to fill the gap left by his particular brand of arsery.  Pippa could be the Chief of Staff in a new government task force.  Any time some dodgy news needs burying she could spring into action whenever she hears the desperate cry of “Deploy the Arse!” from deep within the House of Commons.

4. Team up with the The Only Way is Essex crew and start a trend for Bumjazzling.

The vajazzle has done wonders for the fake-tanned Essex lot, imagine what an effect a Bumjazzle could have had on Friday’s big occasion.  To be honest I’m not sure any of us care whether Pippa’s rump has diamantés on it, as long as we get to see some more of it we’ll all be happy.  She’d be a fool not to have a diamanté crown on one cheek and her coat of arms on the other.

When it comes to a choice between The Queen's chops on a stamp or Pippa’s cheeks I think we all know who should win.

5. Sponsorship.

I’m thinking Andrex, I’m thinking a witty yet borderline tasteless advert making references to thrones and I’m seeing Pippa walking into the loo with a bog roll in one hand, newspaper in the other.  Or for ultimate exposure, a series of adverts in which Pippa meets her very own prince charming and we see the relationship blossom like those 80’s Nescafé ads we were all so fond of.

6. Get sister Kate in on the act.

Not wishing to leave Kate out of all this they could team up and feature in a Go Compare advert.  Seeing the derriéres of the moment together again on screen with that fat bloke in the moustache belting out Go Compare!! next to them has to happen - surely?

7. Bring out a compilation album.

Yesterday I broached the subject of Pippa starting a music career as P-Middy.  Of course she may not have the voice for it so her other option is to release a selection of timeless (yet tenuously bum-linked) classics.  Suggested album title: ‘Now That’s What I Call an Arse: Vol 1’.  Track listings could include masterpieces such as Sir Mix-A-Lots ‘Baby Got Back’, Queen’s ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ or K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s ‘(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty’.  Something for everyone there.

8. Snare a Royal.  Last but not least it’s what everyone’s been talking about since Friday - Pippa and Harry.  Pippa’s backside is the perfect match to Harry’s ‘cheeky’ personality.  Those two getting together could give us another royal wedding and give Kate the chance to get revenge for Friday’s masterclass in upstaging.  If nothing else it would mean Pippa’s posterior would get to park itself on an actual throne instead of one sponsored by Andrex.

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