You Can't Wear That, You're Old

This article won't stop you from becoming old, it may not even stop you making some horrific fashion choices, but it will serve as a warning.
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This article won't stop you from becoming old, it may not even stop you making some horrific fashion choices, but it will serve as a warning.

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Ok, I admit it, I’m scared of getting old and by old I mean turning 23. Yes I know that right now, up and down the country actual old people (those over 40) are cursing me/shaking their walking sticks with irritation as there is nothing more annoying than a young person who thinks they are getting old. The problem with getting old (apart from the being ancient bit) is that your wardrobe suddenly becomes very limited. Young people, genuinely young people, can wear pretty much anything because even if they do look like absolute tits they always have the fall back of blaming it on the naivety of their youth.

You can’t wear Old People Clothes:

The problem with stereotypical Old People Clothes is that they symbolise the letting go of your body. You don’t mean to start wearing them, until you find yourself in Marks and Spencer £70 poorer with only some polyester knitwear to show for your time. It seems to be a gradual process of decline. You start by unbuttoning jeans one day after a rather large meal, flipping your shirt over the top as if that makes it more acceptable to have your gut sitting half way across the dining table. The next thing you know you’re slipping on a pair of elasticated trousers. These hideous atrocities are the staple of any geriatrics closet, all stretchy waistbands and very little shape, this is presumably because that way you can eat a lot of sausages/drink a lot of port/do other things that make you fat like old people do and not have to worry about it. When you start by purchasing a pair of these bad boys you've pretty much bought yourself a one way ticket to fashion hell.

You can’t wear Young People Clothes:

Mutton dressed as lamb. Yes, yes what a cliché but you know how clichés come about don't you? They come about through old people wearing mini skirts and fish net tights, and 65 year olds getting a little too hot in the summer and slipping on a crop top. If there is one thing that is good about being young it's that everything is tight and in the right place. If there's one thing that's bad about being old it's that it's not. There should be some sort of ban on anyone over the age of 45 venturing into Top Shop, or, if you do allow them in there they should be supervised by special Old People Helpers there to tell you to put down the leather hot pants and step away from the neon ballet pumps.

Ok, so, I know what your thinking... specifics, we need specifics. Old people like to have specifics because it makes them feel like they have control of something, and if it can’t be your bladder it may as well be your wardrobe. Now get your spectacles and maybe take some notes on the clothes you shouldn’t be seen dead in (this is not a very funny line, because, being old, you might actually die soon).

For him:

Corduroy – Corduroy is what you would get if you crossed some velvet that’s gone sticky because you split a drink on it with a pair of crimping shears. And you would never do that now would you?

Sneakers – Especially if you call them sneakers, they’re trainers you idiot, now stop trying to get down with the kids and put on some proper shoes.

Novelty Waist-Coats - Scrap that, novelty anything, in fact scrap that, any waist-coat.

Slogan T-Shirts – “I found Jesus, he was hiding behind my sofa” – maybe whilst looking for him you should have tried to find your brain as well.

Combats - Are you in the army, do you have a lot of tools you need to carry around? No (you'd probably pull a muscle if you tried). Then why do you need these khaki coloured atrocities.

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For her:

Clarks shoes - When you were young (remember that time?) and forced to wear these  you wept, now you’re heading in there completely unprompted. The NHS should almost certainly list this as a sign of the onset of dementia.

Duffle Coats - Even the name "duffle" is ugly.

Rucksacks - A woman carrying a rucksack is like her saying I have given up on life. It's almost like running up to a bus driver screaming "Hit MEEE"

Espadrilles – If someone told you to turn your shag pile into a pair of shoes you wouldn’t, so why are you wearing your Rafia rug as one?

Twin sets - The only kind of twin set that is even half way acceptable is a Chanel, anything from Evans is just clearly not the same these are particularly bad when they're worn by people who team them with fake pearls.

For both:

Hiking gear – It’s not like you can go hiking anyway: you’ve got arthritis and your leg might drop off.

Birkenstocks - Sick just sick.

Tie dye/string vests/sarongs - Anything that could have been modelled at Woodstock circa 1970.

Elasticated Trousers – So bad they needed a second mention.

Caps – I don’t care if your head gets hot in the sun or that you might get skin cancer just get that hideous thing off your head.

The moral of this somewhat elongated story is that, in actual fact, there is very little old people can wear without looking like absolute plonkers . Old people are essentially fucked by their own oldness destined to spend their days in front of Coronation Street wishing that they knew the rules of chess so that they would at least have something to do. If you have even so much as thought of buying any of the items above you may as well just stock up on a lifetime supply of shortbread, lock yourself away and save both you and your family the embarrassment of being seen in public. I for one am going to start planning my pre 30th birthday suicide, if I'm going to go out baby I'm doing it in style.