RELATED
You're Not Metrosexual, You're A Knob
For the love of yoga, please leave the alcopops, talking about your emotions and special dietary requirements to the ladies.
Bikram Yoga? Guilty as charged…
It has recently come to my attention that I am a massive sexist. I know! I was as shocked as you! I thought I was a Guardian reading, Brian Molko fancying, fairtrade coffee swilling whiny liberal, but it turns out that I prefer men to like boobs and beer and football. Unfortunately we live in a free society and people are allowed to do lots of things that rile me. However, in my secret, private lair I like to get privately cross about boys doing girly activities. If I have ever told you that there’s no such thing as a ‘girly’ activity and that gender is a construct, I lied. I’m really sorry. In the meantime, if you’re currently in possession of a Smirnoff Ice, a yoga mat, a pair of shoes that cost more than your rent and a willy, you should take a long, hard look at yourself. Here’s why:
Boozing
If you are drinking a blue drink from a branded bottle and are over the age of twelve, I have to assume that you’re being taken out on the town by your carer. There are woodland creatures more discerning about their choice of beverage than your average alcopops fan. If the man in question is clearly doing it for a bet or just too drunk to see then he is excused, but a seasoned drinker of alcopops can usually be identified by their excessive hair gel. (I don’t know why they don’t drink that instead. It would be tastier.) For some reason, a girl clutching a Bacardi Breezer doesn’t quite anger me in the same way. They make me think fondly of middle aged divorcees trying to recapture their lost youth, or Emily Howard-esque teens having identity crises and thinking that’s what grown up ladies do. But men drinking baby bottle booze? You just look like you’ve never read a book, like you’d quite like to live inside Call of Duty and like you failed the audition for The Jeremy Kyle Show. I would sooner see a grown man pounding a pint and a big bag of Haribo than watch one knocking back sugary, technicolour oven cleaner.
If you are drinking a blue drink from a branded bottle and are over the age of twelve, I have to assume that you’re being taken out on the town by your carer.
Bikram Yoga
I know anyone who does yoga is a bit of an idiot, myself included. But at least I have the decency to be crap at it. British men have no business being publicly good at an Eastern discipline – what happened to hiding your light under a bushel guys? To be honest, I only want guys to be good at man-sports. You know, the pushing, shoving, grunting ones. Darts. Let Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor be your guide.
Now picture the scene. You’re trapped in a concrete bunker of an office block in Canary Wharf. You’re in a small, bright, mirrored room that smells of feet. The temperature is 40 degrees centigrade and you’re lying flat on a horrible towel that you accidentally bought somewhere in the Canaries. A tall, half naked man walks to the front of the room. With a flourish, he lays down a special yoga towel, bends over and stands on his head. For about twenty minutes. If you were to ask him why, he would probably explain that when he went on his Indian Mission of Self Discovery his spiritual guru told him that all the blood must be brought to the head in order to cleanse the chakras. But really, it is because he is a massive show off. Yoga boys have all spent time finding themselves in far flung corners of the world, which is funny because they were all born and raised in Surrey. If they really want to discover their Id, they should start by looking up their own arse.
Shoe Lust
Personally, I’d quite like it if everyone shut the fuck up about their fucking shoes. Yeah, they’re nice things to buy and have and wear, and I don’t believe in the idea that high heels are symbols of male oppression, invented to keep us shackled and hobbling. But I’m pretty sure the myth of the shoe obsessed woman was invented by a man, based on nothing but the fact that every single conversation I’ve had about owning footwear has been with a boyfriend, a well meaning boy mate or my dad. Which is mildly irritating, but you know, whevs. But then you have the potential boyfriend who sent me pictures of himself naked but for a pair of Lobb’s loafers. And encouraged me to masturbate, thinking of him wearing the shoes. Urgh. Needless to say, I did not pursue things. I know an otherwise entirely lovely boy who drove me to exasperated tears one Saturday searching for Superdry sneakers in a specific slate grey. Half a precious weekend wasted on bloody trainers. And then there’s the man who made me wait in a cinema foyer for an hour because it was raining and he didn’t want to get his Gucci shoes wet. If you didn’t spend all your money on your feet, there would be cash for cabs, no? I’ve nothing against a boy who likes nice shoes. But if it’s an obsession, I’d rather be out with someone in socks and sandals.
Don’t tell a girl that you don’t want to sleep with her just yet because she’ll think you’re a big slut. Because she’ll feel like a big slut.
Not Wanting A “Reputation”
This whole concept bothers me. When you meet someone you really like, you should fancy them enough to want to shag them insensible before they’ve got out the Tube exit. Surely the difference between a slag and a saint is greater than timing. There are all sorts of reasons to wait until you’ve got to know someone a bit better, but not putting out because you fear they’ll think less of you isn’t one of them.
Since the dawn of time we women have been slinking back to our caves in skimpy mammoth hides, paranoid the object of our affection won’t return our calls (or, you know, messages carved on rocks. I have no idea) because we had them at hello. This is shit, but we have been culturally conditioned to our core to feel deeply ashamed of sex, our bodies and everything in between. Whatever. We’re working on it. But when everyone from the people at Nuts Magazine to Nadine Dorries is keen to tell us that the male sexual impulse is the same as the old Martini slogan, ‘Boys Who Want to Wait’ seem a bit…Weird.
You can’t even tell people about it. If you’ve been hooking up with a lad who wants to “get to know you as a person first”, EVERYONE assumes it’s code for gay, no matter how good the kissing is. And while it’s much, much better to be with a guy holding out for date three, than a guy who’s scarily keen to beat a path to a lady’s Foux de Fafa, we all want to think we’re irresistible. So, say you’ve got an early meeting, pretend you’ve put your back out, arrange to be meeting your Mum first thing the next morning. But don’t tell a girl that you don’t want to sleep with her just yet because she’ll think you’re a big slut. Because she’ll feel like a big slut.
Eating Salad For Supper
When I go out for dinner, I really just want a pie. A pie with a steak inside. And chips and gravy. So when my date looks up at the waitress, pats their midriff and says they “better have a salad” I want to cry.
I still remember my first lunch with fellow mag-hags. When the nice man came to take our order I asked for a burger, and was too busy trying to work out who was drinking a G&T and who just had lemonade, to listen to what people were planning to eat. Twenty minutes later I was surrounded by a sea of Caesar salad (with dressing on the side.) I stood out like a big beefy beacon. I did the sensible thing and ran away, stopping at the bar for more gin. I was prepared to write the experience off as girl pack behaviour.
Obviously it’s bad when women choose to eat leaves because they think tastier food will make them fat, and obviously, some people really enjoy a fresh, delicious salad. But eating out is meant to be a treat. And boys are meant to eat kebabs and cow pie. As soon as a guy starts whining about pasta bloat, I stop having a lovely time with him and start worrying that he’s going to judge me for putting marmalade on my toast, or even eating bread in the first place. The link between food and sex has been explored before – it can be as tender as chocolate fondant or filthy as a Zinger Tower. If a man chooses to eat soggy iceberg lettuce when he’s out with me, I have to assume that he’s going to be a bit limp. Weirdly, when men go on those protein only diets that involve eating chicken every three hours, it doesn’t bother me one bit. Especially when I can swipe their Nando’s loyalty cards.
Click here for more stories about Life
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook
If you like it, Pass it on
COMMENTS
I think you summed it up right at the start. You appear to be a massive sexist. This article reads like 'Men should act like this, otherwise they're probably gay, or stupid'.
I think the blue booze ban really goes for anyone over the age of 12. Yoga was a man's sport, invented by men for men. Its only recently we have all these watered down women's versions. (Not that I do yoga) Nobody actually likes salad. Anyone who tells you they do is a liar.
So basically Daisy, if we follow your advice here we're bound to get laid no problem? I'm making mental notes already. Nothing wrong with a nice salad though, especially a bit of Niçoise. Ooops, does that make me a metroponce.
You think too much and we suffer for it.
Ah, you must be the gentlemen from my yoga class. Well, this is awkward.
I agree wholeheartedly with everything in this article.
Completely disagree with your comments about Bikram yoga. It sounds envious, rude and offensive to be honest.
Well said Daisy. Pies and Pints and farting and that. Thats true romance. If birds wanted blokes who act like women they'd be Lesbians. Maybe the 2 Jimmys above should meet for a frozen yogurt or two.
This article perpetuates exactly the sort of sexist bullshit that confines people's lives and makes the world a less pleasant place to live in. All of the things you list are kind of annoying in an obvious way, but the gender of the person doing them is irrelevant. Lame.
Argh - are we in the same yoga class?! There's always someone who feels the need to 'warm up' by doing some sort of twizzle on their head. And it's always a man...
Jack- wind your space-nk moisturised neck in and get back to your cous-cous.
Daisy, lunch with me would be truly a male experience, I'd be clean so would my expensive brogues and nails and teeth, my jeans wont be though, or my ridiculously expensive T shirt. I'll take the piss out of your shoes and tell you that you are beautiful, I'll be eating steak and will make a mess, don't care what you eat as long as it's messy as well. I'll tell you to put my number in your phone, I wont want yours, if you ring I will tell you when I'm free, maybe a week or two, but Daisy it would be worth the wait. if you don't ring at the very least I had a great lunch with a beautiful woman. The rest of you Feckin' man up, I'm glad you never get or understood women because boy did I... Great article btw. love the shades.
Don't worry Daisy, I haven't enrolled ... yet. Sounds like a good idea Robin. Do you want to come too?
Ah, a woman who like pie, chips and gravy. If I wasn't already married, I'd be stalking you...in the tree, on the corner :-p
Not really enjoying this rehash of 90's blokey culture...give me a Jarvis Cocker over twats like Albarn and the Gallaghers any day.
Right, so men should drink beer, eat pies, avoid doing yoga and shag anyone they fancy at the first given opportunity? This is sexist drivel, and is completely bereft of an irony or humour. If you must burble on about how men should 'man-up', you could at least make it mildly amusing.
:)) Quite funny. Dont be so serious, people!
hmmmm its almost like you read Gavin McInnes' piece from last month and re wrote it... http://takimag.com/article/the_12_step_plan_to_restore_american_machismo/print
get back in the kitchen
grab me a beer hill. cheers babe.. *smacks arse*
yeah this is blatant sexism
Could do with a re-write. Or maybe that's the problem, been picked over too much to be funny or interesting. Take your point on the alcopops not sure many would disagree, but you're not exactly covering new ground.
haha I love this article. The responses from the sensitive types below are cracking me up. Clearly, my dear, you hit a nerve. Bravo hahahahaha
Hey people - Do you long for a return to tradional male virtues? Have men become too wimpy and emasculated? Are we living in an over-feminised world? Share your thoughts/gripes/issues with me at the 'Metrosexual Malcontent' page, arriving here at Sabotage Times in next few days. It's time for men to fight back!
Daisy, so you wouldn't date Frasier. Well most intelligent men wouldn't ask a women pleased with getting gravy on her face during dinner for her a second date.
Was this article written by a student in their first year at university? All filler and no killer, innit...
Yaaaawn.
Do you think caring what the internet says is acceptable behaviour for men is manly? FIX UP people.
You know it cuts both ways,I often find myself wondering what's the point in charming the knickers off a girl who isn't wearing any?
Next up on ST: Women and why they should get back in the kitchen. Followed by: 'women who dont have kids aren't proper women'
a good entertaining read...a point which is lost on many moaning here. I think that if you are claiming offence then you need to address a few home truths
Christ, there are some whining little prissies on here. Rule of thumb. If you like shagging on a first date, go for it. If you like shoes, you're a tart, but so what? If you want to eat salad then I'll judge you, but you'll be laughing when I'm struggling through bowel cancer. This is one woman's opinion. All this haughtiness is somewhat unseemly, whether you're a man or a metrosexual or a bloke or whatever you classify yourself as. Or is there a big "take this too serious" thing at the top of the article. Daisy - if you fancy a poke, giz a yell. I like pies, boobs (got me own) and saying stuff, and I don't like shoes, bland music or women who bicker about other women.
mehh..
I love how every article you write is lambasted by everyone in the comments section Daisy. I wonder if they realise that by rising to the pieces you publish they're actually playing into your hands, top notch. I'd congratulate you some more for a job well done but I'm busy shagging my missus and balancing my pint of Stella on her back.
This is almost enough to turn this homo straight. I want to go for a drink with you. To McDonald's. For three mcflurrys each. And a double cheeseburger on the side. All the rest of the whingers
This is almost enough to turn this homo straight. I want to go for a drink with you. To McDonald’s. For three mcflurrys each. And a double cheeseburger on the side. All the rest of the whingers man up ffs
Ultimately none of it should even be an issue.
I'm so glad I'm married, even if he is a bit of 1940s stye man.
I enjoyed the article, but I enjoyed reading the comments people left even more; especially the one by that Keith fella, really creepy stuff. And you can tell that the A to J guy really meant what he said because he posted it twice. That's a great idea, A to J. Think I'll do that too.
I enjoyed the article, but I enjoyed reading the comments people left even more; especially the one by that Keith fella, real creepy stuff. And you can tell that the A to J guy really meant what he said because he posted it twice. That's a great idea, A to J. Think I'll do that too.
So you're a girl that likes to drink beer and eats pies and then bangs pn about it blah blah yes well done you. Tedious piece.
Massive twat! #justsaying
oh hang on ...are people really taking this seriously. FGS! Please log off if you have no sense of humour.
lol@ Macko - yeah because casual sexism is so funny, like a little bit of friendly homophobia or light hearted-racism. Jeez, i wish people would lighten up about such things too
@Macko - Don't use abbreviation for phrases you can type on a page. It makes you look like a div.
Was this taken from an episode of "Girls Behaving Badly"? You could always join us for 7 or 8 pints of Best and a ruby to follow. You'd fit in nicely!
I think I'm in love. You free at weekend Daisy?
I didn't read the article. I just don't like Russell Brand. That is all.
It sounds like you got out with a lot of douchebags.
Difficult to read and identify with cos it's a list of metro-stereotypes that have been doen before
Boozing - your stories of getting wasted and vomiting everywhere arent funny. Just make you look silly cos you are trying to drink like a man and always failing. The Girlie Show was about 20 years ago now get over it. Exercise - I agree, leave yoga for the women. But women please, get out of our martial arts classes and stay the hell away from football. Only chav women or lezzas practise these things Fashion - no guy wants to hear anything about your clothes just make sure you look good for us. Sex - Talking loudly about sex doesnt make you funny it makes you look desperate for attention. By all means be a slag but have some class about it. Clever innuendos dont make you a funny person. Have a salad - showing that you are gonna look after yourself is important cos guys are wary that theyll get stuck with a big fat layaround.
Jeez people its called humor..If you dont like it read the times
daisy, think the comments on yoga are a bit unfair, western women may have embraced it in gym culture over here, but in india its practised by everyone. As an above poster commented it was actually created for holy men who were usually male to excercise efficiently as otherwise they were meditating in a sedentary way for long periods of time. btw i am a yoga instructor so kind of felt a need to mention this even though i realise you are writing amusing articles. if you would like to see the type of guys who actually learn yoga (some are actually v macho types) i would be more happy to offer you a free class in exchange for making me laugh (esp with your made in chelsea articles). Anand
Sorry, but I dont think anyone actually does any of that stuff- thats all for gays and women
Guys chill out, was Daisy a little too close to the mark for you? I think your point about people "finding themselves"in India was spot on, bunch of idiots. You want to find yourself...you're from Barnes love. And the shoes bit was spot on too.
As a guy the only thing that irks me is the modern metrosexual look that we get pushed into. I just want to grow out the beard, and can't be fucked gelling/styling/straightening my hair or squeezing into clothes that are uncomfortable for fashion. Unfortunately it means I look like a twenty something who was spit out of the seventies. Most of the article takes it beyond my point of view, but it was worth a laugh. Still while I'm a beer man, I do enjoy a pre mixed bourbon or a smirnoff from time to time, makes me feel like I need to reinforce every gulp with a big gulp or burp to compensate now.
There came a pint when I looked around my way-past-50 life, realized what works and what doesn't and found happiness being a guy... a regular guy. I hope to hell for the sake of humanity that the "metro-knobs" just man the fuck up and grow the fuck up. Spare the shoes, invest in a house; it's a better decision, honest...
Reading some of these comments makes me realise that a lot of men nowadays are complete pussies. But I have to say women, you got what you ordered. You changed the rules so much that cupcake baking nobs became the ideal. Read the comments Daisy and take note that you women created them and their subsequent hissy fits. Ps: I have an issue with you likening shoes with trainers. Trainers are about art and history. Shes are about looking pretty.
When the bill arrives, I had the cottage cheese.
SABOTAGE
