10 Things We Learnt From Last Night's BRITs

It's been on shaky legs for years but last night took the biscuit. Here's what I learnt when I wasn't crying...
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It's been on shaky legs for years but last night took the biscuit. Here's what I learnt when I wasn't crying...

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1: Muse dress like three 16 year olds in a Muse cover band. I can deal with the theatrics, Armageddon dread and Bellamy’s Polish witch nose, but the too-short leather jackets and shiny red collars should be burnt along with the soul of whoever commissioned the One Direction cover of One Way Or Another.

2: Robbie Williams shouldn’t sing anything that isn’t written by Gary Barlow.

3: Harry Styles is going to be as smug as Simon Cowell when he grows up. That or a nappy wearing crack-monkey called Harriett, who’s only pleasure in life comes from the Renee-from-‘Allo ‘Allo impression she pays Niall to do twice an hour

4: Emeli Sande’s wins were as predictable as the #pfffftboring tweets when Tom Odell wins Best British Male next year.

5: Shiny tux’s shouldn’t be worn by anyone other than annoyingly good looking men with a LA tan who can dance, sing and occasionally make really brilliant pop songs.  So Michael Buble Justin Timberlake, then,

6: Sometimes, James Corden is quite funny (Really? Were you drinking David - Ed), generally when he’s ad-libbing. At others, he's as funny as my mate Mark. Mark’s all-time hero is Smithy from Gavin and Stacey.

7: I’d rather go to Borstal than the Brit School.

8: Men in their mid 40s watching the Brits and tweeting about how today’s pop music is shit is toe curling. 1) Of course you don’t like it.  You’re not 15. 2) The Brits rarely feature and are less often won by anyone decent. If you don’t believe me, look at this list of past winners.  80% dross. It’s the Brits. It’s the Smash Hits Poll Winner’s Party for people that pay rent.

9: It’s time for Taylor Swift to have her Michael Hutchence moment. 2/1 she fucks Russell Brand sometime in the next 12 months.

10:  The two funniest #brits tweets of last night were:

@austinswimdeep- Mumford and Sons should start a cover band called banjovi

@Sabotagetimes (honestly)- Debbie Harry Styles