There's a mate of mine, let's call him Matthew David Bullen, who loves Elvis. He has at least three pictures of him in his house. He also looks a bit like a cross between Lee Ryan from Blue and Teddy Ruxpin but that's beside the point. We've had several arguments about whether Elvis is better than Johnny Cash or vice-versa. He once pushed me over his sofa when I climaxed my five minute rant with…. "Elvis is just a retro Gareth Gates." I have nothing against Elvis, love some of his songs, like a few others and hate anything he's done on the subject of Christmas. But Elvis, really, was just a voice and a quiff. I'll give him the quiff. He even once said "I'd like a voice like Johnny Cash." Really, it's no debate. But just for the hell of it, and to clearly piss my mate off, I've compiled this list…
1. Every cover version Cash did (and there's been a few) is better than the original. Fact.
2. Elvis ate Cheeseburgers with peanut butter. The tit.
3. Johnny Cash wrote his own lyrics
4. Elvis died having a shit. See point 2.
5. Elvis had an IQ of 14, and would therefore have been as much fun on the lash as a lump of coal.
6. Cash spawned musicians, Elvis spawned Lisa Marie.
7. Johnny Cash was The Man In Black. Elvis was The Pelvis or the King. I couldn't give a monkeys about a bone and who gives a toss about royalty?
8. Cash wore black to be an outlaw. Elvis did it to show off his crotch.
9. I don't remember Elvis doing many songs about the plight of Native Americans.
10. Or singing a line as good as… 'I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die…'
Cash invented boom-chicka-boom. Elvis used his guitar as a penis extension.
11. My Nan preferred Johnny Cash. My Nan was ace.
12. Cash invented boom-chicka-boom. Elvis used his guitar as a penis extension.
13. "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash…"
14. Elvis never covered Depeche Mode.
15. Paul McCartney loved Elvis, Joe Strummer loved Johnny Cash. Do the math.
16. You could wingman for Cash, Elvis would've shagged both.
17. Cowboy boots are better than blue suede shoes.
18. Elvis made cack films, Cash recorded concept albums and protest songs.
20. If they both started out now, Elvis would be on X-Factor or American Idol, mugging for Louis and Piers.
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