5 Reasons Miley Cyrus Will Never Be Lady GaGa

She might be grabbing the headlines, but Miley Cryus will never be able to hold a candle to the art-pop princess Lady GaGa. Here's why...
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She might be grabbing the headlines, but Miley Cryus will never be able to hold a candle to the art-pop princess Lady GaGa. Here's why...

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Four weeks and many column inches on from THAT Miley Cyrus performance and having artfully dodged the subject for almost a month, Lady Gaga has only now pitched in on the plight of Miley Cyrus. “I don’t like to pass judgement on Miley Cyrus”, she says, “Generally, people need to lighten up about pop music, it’s about entertainment”. The gist of this, however, seems to be one of “do what you like” and not “I like what you do”. Having noted Gaga’s diplomatic edge and envisioning the post-2013-VMA careers of these two women as watercraft - Miley as the pop Titanic with twerking as her iceberg and Gaga as the true artist, The Royal Britannia - it was time to take stock of the situation and acknowledge the five reasons Miley Cyrus will never be viewed as the next Lady Gaga.

The Acting

With a loosely termed ‘cameo’ in Men In Black III, Lady Gaga’s true film debut is set for release on October 11th with an appearance as gun-toting Latina lover La Chameléon in Robert Rodriguez’s “Machete Kills”. The directionality of the two women’s film careers couldn’t be any further apart: Hannah Montana sing-alongs and dark blonde bangs may have been successful in plucking the pocket money right out of every pre-teen’s piggy bank but it’s just not cool. You can take Miley Cyrus out of Disney but you most certainly cannot un-see The Last Song and when all’s said and done, saving turtles on camera isn’t very rock ‘n’ roll.

Bum Wars

A pair of perfectly ripened peaches pitted against the now infamous uncooked chicken. There is no contest when it comes to Miley V Gaga on the bum front (or should that be back?). With entire fan sites built around Gaga’s fine specimen, the internet has been busily at work Photoshopping imagery of Miley’s latex-clad backside into the outline of McDonald’s golden arches. Never has the case for squat thrusts being built into one’s gym routine felt so strong.  It may be an idea to leave the latex in Lady Gaga’s wardrobe where it belongs, Miley – go cold turkey.

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Daddy’s Achey Breaky Heart

With a father on the board of the Parents Television Council, a conservative-led censorship advocacy group famed for going after any celebrity who dares to bare, it’s tough to imagine a comfortable conversation over the dinner table following that fateful night. The pain within Billy Ray’s achey breaky heart is palpable as the world watches his golden child writhe all over Robin Thicke’s big D over and over again – perhaps not the future career he had in mind for the former child star. Gaga’s father Joe, meanwhile, maintains a quietly dignified career as a restaurateur providing carbohydrate-based comfort to residents of New York City from the sweetly named Joanne, an establishment silently funded by and named after his famous daughter. Being famed for your use of a spatula over and above the wearing of a mullet speaks volumes in sophistication level: one nil to Joe Germanotta.

The Song History

Just Dance: a simple and straight-to-the-point feel-good movement direction dressed up as banger of a pop track. The combined elements of undeniably catchy tune and the accompanying house party of a video rocket launched Lady Gaga into the mainstream. Miley’s “Hoedown Throwdown” may have the title potential to be a bitch-bashing beat dropper but woefully manifests as a quaint country and western chart topper accompanied by the Rubik’s cube of dance routines. Swinging like a corporate chimp on a musical chandelier, the teenager chart topper spent her early years confusedly warbling about lost love (The Climb) and low-level stalking (Fly On The Wall) all at the ripe old age of 15. In the same year, aged 23 and firmly beyond the legal age of purchasing a lighter, Gaga was setting fire to her boobs on the set of Bad Romance. Badass.

Twerking vs Working

Need any more be said? Billed as the rump-shaking move that put Miley on the cultural hate map, Cyrus set to work destroying the move’s West African origins as a dance of joy and subbed it with a semi-naked, sexualised movement all in a four minute performance. "I think people that people need to stop putting the letter t in front of the word work", Gaga told Andy Cohen in a discussion regarding Miley’s moves. Billed as the hardest working woman in pop in 2010 and 2011 in a study by Songkick, the world-sensitive and ethic instilled Gaga is keen to embrace all walks of life. It, therefore, feels highly unlikely that viral footage of the Lady shaking her cheeks is set to emerge online this side of the next millennium.