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8 Songs Probably Written By Stalkers

by Periwinkle Jones
11 September 2013 57 Comments

New stalking laws made me think that innocent song lyrics take on a whole new twist when you imagine the author creating a shrine for you in their basement ...

When you listen to the lyrics, most songs were probably written by stalkers and psychopaths.

For instance: Every Breath You Take by the Police sounds like it should be sung while sitting in a tree wearing night vision goggles and an adult nappy.

Even the seemingly innocuous (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles by the Proclaimers. You’d walk 500 miles? Really? That’s only normal in post apocalyptic future where the only form of transport is by foot or Gruffalo.

And don’t get me started on Bruno Mars and Grenade. BOUNDARY ISSUES.

So here’s a round-up of the eight most secretly-terrifying songs ever to grace your ears…

1. Hey There Delilah – Plain White Ts

At first auditory perception this is a sweet love ditty where a boy reassures his college-bound girlfriend that they will be together, forever.

The reality: Delilah is a real person – American distance runner Delilah DiCrenscenzo. A girl Plain White Ts’ singer Tom Higgenson met at a party. Once.

In what world is it ok to write a song about an imaginary relationship with someone? Even the opening bars “I’m a thousand miles away/ but girl tonight you look so pretty” scream ‘secret bathroom webcam’.

You can imagine Delilah on the phone to her girlfriends: “Party tonight? I don’t know… Will your creepy friend Tom be there? The one I caught sniffing my coat in the bedroom…”

2.  Hello – Lionel Ritchie

The opening lines of this song read like a schizophrenic monologue:

“I’ve been alone with you inside my mind / And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times…”

A few verses in, the insanity continues…

“Tell me how to win your heart/ For I haven’t got a clue /But let me start by saying, I love you…”

Here Lionel Ritchie breaks the cardinal rule of not being a total psychopath: you don’t tell someone you’ve never met that you love them. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be in love with someone you’ve only seen through a doorway.

Even if they have sculpted a Gaddafi-esque replica of your head out of clay.

3.  I Will Posses Your Heart – Death Cab for a Cutie

I could have left you with the title alone with this one. But why stop there …

“There are days when outside your window/I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective/ when we’ll be lovers, lovers at last

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas/I won’t let you, let me down so easily, so easily…”

Certainly a song you’d listen to while shovelling your new basement.

This is the exact song I’d imagine Trevor singing to Little Mo after a gravy basting.

4. Nearly every single song ever sung by Bryan Adams

Bryan Adams is undoubtedly the King of stalker pop anthems. Just take a look at his back catalogue.

There’s no way listening to his greatest hits wouldn’t end with a roll of duct tape and a midnight drive.

Undoubtedly the creepiest is (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. And not just because it came from a movie containing a naked Kevin Costner scene.

My main issue with this song is why does he keep offering to die for me? Or enjoy other ridiculous acts of violence and discomfort.

This is the exact song I’d imagine Trevor singing to Little Mo after a gravy basting.

5. I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You) – Savage Garden

Ummm… What? Do you mean in a ‘I saw you around – I HAVE A KNIFE GET IN MY VAN’ kind of way, or more ‘I have this idealised image of a woman in my head. You come pretty close. Let’s make babies’ ?

6. One Way or Another – Blondie

Apparently us girls don’t far much better when it comes to the fine line between unrequited love and stalking a stranger.

Debbie Harry’s catching little number starts with:

“One way or another, I’m gonna find ya’ /I’m gonna get ya’, get ya’, get ya’, get ya’…”

You’re going to ‘get’ me? And if you’re having so much trouble finding me, surely I’m hiding from your terrifying Raoul Moat-esque advances?

Oh wait… you’ve found me… You ‘followed my bus’ and saw me ‘buying rat food’ before you ‘slipped back into the crowd’.

Sorry Debbie, I did mean to call you… But I’ve been busy, then I lost my phone and… ummm… wait – is that Ted Bundy behind you?!” *runs*

7. Anything by Jarvis Cocker / Pulp

There’s nothing human stick insect Jarvis Cocker has sang that hasn’t made me think ‘Gas Lighter’.

Disco 2000 – A song in which Cocker was so severely friendzoned by a girl called Deborah that he was content to memorise the texture of her wallpaper and put his whole life on hold waiting for a Y2K reunion.

Something Changed – By now you know my feelings on songs written about people that you haven’t even spoken to. So the opener “I wrote the song two hours before we met / I didn’t know your name or what you looked like yet” has me reaching for my mace before heading to any charity shops/Indie gigs or other places where Jarvis might be lurking like a predatory daddy longlegs.

Pencil Skirt – A song about deliberately trying to mindfuck an engaged ladyfriend. Choice lyrics include ‘I only come here cause I know it makes you sad’ and ‘I’ve kissed you more than twice, now I’m working on your dad’.

You’re… You’re going to have sex with my dad?

Babies – Dude is so in love with his play pal that hides in a wardrobe and spies on her sister having sex. Then shags her.  Jarvis certainly likes to keep it in the family…

8. Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley

Look Rick, just fuck off – I’m not interested.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Gareth 9:34 am, 1-Jun-2012

Sorry for dredging up painful memories, but Sonia's 80s pop trash classic 'You'll never Stop me From Loving You' is the definitive stalker anthem. Sample quote: "Even when you're home you won't pick up the phone and take my call." Is it any wonder?

Daisy 9:41 am, 1-Jun-2012

LOVE THIS. Especially Babies because Jarvis is at his most mental, ever. "I went with her 'CAUSE SHE LOOKED LIKE YOU!" So great.

Bry 9:57 am, 1-Jun-2012

Great piece - particularly like the last line of the article. Funny stuff.

bentcousin 10:09 am, 1-Jun-2012

Helen Reddy - Angie Baby is the best stalker pop record every made, although Everything is Everything by bentcousin comes a very close second. bc

bentcousin 10:16 am, 1-Jun-2012

just in case you think we got it wrong about da helen ready soft pop song, check these apples; Stopping at her house is a neighbor boy With evil on his mind 'Cause he's been peeking in Angie's room At night through her window blind I see your folks have gone away Would you dance with me today I'll show you how to have a good time, Angie Baby

bentcousin 10:18 am, 1-Jun-2012

hate to say it,but teenage kicks is pretty stalkerish when you get down to it, it's also the best song about wanking.........ever

Zoe 10:19 am, 1-Jun-2012

So very true, Periwinkle, so very true. LOL

David L 10:29 am, 1-Jun-2012

I know it's not exactly helping Jarvis' case in any way, but the lyric is "I've kissed your MOTHER twice and now I'm working on your dad". And as for "Dodgy" Debbie Harry: "....all I want is a room with a view. I will give you my finest hour, the one I spent watching you shower". Debbie's got a sniper rifle and she's gonna use it. Mind you, hour-long showers are an appalling waste of water. I say take the preening little fucker out.

Lexx 10:59 am, 1-Jun-2012

No 'Every breath you take'? Surely that's the Stalker national anthem?

Dale 11:17 am, 1-Jun-2012

Anything ANYTHING by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap, but Young Girl especially.

Crazy 11:48 am, 1-Jun-2012

Btw, 'Every Breath You Take' is actually a song about a stalker....It's not a love song as it is made out to be.

Skin Ed 12:05 pm, 1-Jun-2012

Got to have Adele's "Someone Like You" here as well. Listen, you tone-deaf piano-bashing warbler, you got dumped. Now have another pie and get over it.

mongalong 12:24 pm, 1-Jun-2012

Gareth is spot on with that Sonia song. "When I know that you're alone I wander to your home And catch a glimpse or two " Really, Sonia? Are you fucking sure? Also - I Put A Spell On You by Screamin' Jay Hawkins would normally make such a list, but he's not even pretending. He's a madman and quite open about it.

Paul Tyree 12:33 pm, 1-Jun-2012

What about "I Put A Spell On You" to give it that voodoo/ satanic ritual flavour? "I put a spell on you, Cause you're mine.... You better stop the things you do I ain't lyin' No I ain't lyin' You know I can't stand it You're runnin' around You know better daddy I can't stand it cause you put me down

Mr Controversial 4:13 pm, 1-Jun-2012

Pulp:Underwear..."Why don't you shut the door, and close the curtains, cos you're not going anywhere"

LFCWest 9:27 pm, 1-Jun-2012

How about anything by Melissa Etheridge?

mendez17 3:31 am, 2-Jun-2012

Try an Australian classic on for size- Hunters & Collectors 'throw your arms around me' I will come for you at night time I will raise you from your sleep I will kiss you in four places As I go running along your street I will squeeze the life out of you............ And that's just the first verse!!!!!!!

Josh 6:18 am, 2-Jun-2012

You missed "I Spy" and the b-side "P.T.A.". Jarvis is just cray-cray, he's probably gonna approve this. I read his book "Mother, Brother, Lover" (yes, he likes to keep it in the family)and I enjoyed reading the annotations. He didn't directly explain the meaning of his lyrics and tell everyone his stuff is deep and meaningful, he just pointed out the cultural references that were lost on younger, non-Uk audience. All those things on Pulp songs that we thought were profound or double entendre were really just that, nothing else. Turns out he is just one horny dude.

bentcousin 12:33 pm, 3-Jun-2012

classic stalker pop http://soundcloud.com/bentcousin/everything-is-everything

elo 6:42 pm, 4-Jun-2012

I would add Robyn's Dancing on my Own. Nowhere in the song is it mentioned that the object of her obsession and her may have been in a relationship

Maz 9:37 pm, 8-Jun-2012

Brilliant!

Cholo 9:44 pm, 8-Jun-2012

What! No Morrissey??? Surly 'The more you ignore me'(the closer I get)should be there!

Jessica 10:06 pm, 8-Jun-2012

Delilah by Tom Jones - He sits outside her house all night, 'At break of day as the car drove away I was waiting...', stabs her to death, 'I saw the knife in my hand, she laughed no more...' and then begs her for forgiveness, 'forgive me Delilah, I just couldn't take ANY MORE'! He's a national treasure.

sthsocs 11:51 pm, 8-Jun-2012

hit me baby ... one more time

James 1:32 pm, 18-Jun-2012

I drove all night - "Crept in your room - is that alright" No it isnt

Rob 12:46 pm, 26-Nov-2012

I may be showing my age but Debbie Harry could stalk me any time she wants, to any degree she wants from leaving dead things on the doorstep to kidnapping me for days of sexual torment and whatever else she had in mind. Just knowing she had a vague interest, oh...if only!

Cap'n P 1:40 pm, 27-Nov-2012

Ok, it irks me to even bring this up but Enrique Iglasius never got a mention here for his creepy song, "You can run, you can hide but you'll never escape my love". I know people who were arrested for less. And what about "Thank heaven for little girls, they get bigger every day". FUCK!!!! That's Jimmy Savile right there!

two bob 1:59 am, 28-Nov-2012

what about 'Little girls' by Oingo Boingo?.." I like little girls they make me feel so good, I like little girls they make me feel so bad"..spat me coffee out when I heard that on the radio in the States !

Dave 11:23 am, 24-Jan-2013

No love for the stalkees ? uninvited, the Morrisette one, not the crappy dancey cover.

Absurdist 6:05 am, 7-Mar-2013

Gaelle's "Parkway." 'nuff said.

Mr Jones 12:34 pm, 3-Apr-2013

FYI, One Way Or Another was written about one of Debbie Harry's boyfriends who apparently stalked her after they broke up - so an intentionally 'stalky' song

Paul Crider 6:06 am, 4-Apr-2013

Please consider including It's No Good, by Depeche Mode. Opening lyrics: I'm going to take my time I have all the time in the world To make you mine It is written in the stars above The gods decree You'll be right here by my side Right next to me You can run but you cannot hide

John Anthony Lake 11:33 am, 4-Apr-2013

Young Girl - good call, Dale.

catherine 5:12 pm, 4-Apr-2013

Strange & Beautiful by Aqualung Really creepy. Beyond creepy.

Diamond Dogs 5:28 pm, 4-Apr-2013

Can't believe that there's no mention of Kylie's "Can't get you out of my head" or Madonna's "Open your heart"

Michael Kors Clutches 1:33 pm, 20-Apr-2013

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Chris 8:53 pm, 13-May-2013

I realize this song is before your time, but the Vogues' top ten hit "Turn Around, Look at Me" is at worst the second best stalker song of all time. (I'll respect the opinions of those who think "Every Breath You Take" is #1.) How 'bout revising this list to include the songs that were left out but really deserve to be included?

Riri 2:14 am, 20-Jun-2013

"I Gotcha" from Resevoir Dogs soundtrack...most threatening song ever "You thought I didn't see now didn't ya? a-haw haw!" Ewwww

Todd 2:37 am, 23-Aug-2013

HELLO? Why isn't 'Catch You' By Sophie-Ellis Bextor on there? NOTE: This Song Doesn't Need Any Introduction!

Daniel 11:32 am, 11-Sep-2013

Roy Orbison "I Drove All Night" "I drove all night to get to you Is that all right? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep to make love to you Is that all right? I drove all night" I rest my case!

djpekingman 5:19 pm, 15-Sep-2013

Girl - You'll be a woman soon. From the housewives favourite Mr Neil 'Stuart Hall' Diamond. And covered by dodgy septic grunge merchants Urge Overkill. And used in Pulp Fiction. A well travelled paedophile's anthem.

Gansy 10:08 pm, 17-Sep-2013

QOTSA - In my head "Keep on playin' our favorite song, turn it up, while you're gone. It's all I've got when you're in my head, and you're in my head, so I need it. You're the only thing I've got, that I can't seem to get enough. We collide for one embrace..."

Dolly 10:32 pm, 17-Sep-2013

REO Speedwagon's I'M GONNA KEEP ON LOVIN' YOU, is definitely being sung by a psycho, just after being sentenced by the judge.

Dolly 10:37 pm, 17-Sep-2013

Oh my god, you've all forgotten the original stalker song, On the Street Where You Live! "All at once am I, Several stories high, Knowing I'm on the street where you live. And oh, the towering feeling Just to know somehow you are near The overpowering feeling That any second you may suddenly appear." Call the police!!!

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Cat 5:25 pm, 30-Dec-2013

Anything really current and really popular - say from 2013 - that would fit the obsessive/stalker profile?

Esta 8:56 pm, 31-Jan-2014

How about "What you won't do for love" and "Private Eyes?"

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Psilocybin Pony 2:12 am, 29-Mar-2014

Certainly have to add "Found Out About You" by Gin Blossoms and "More Than I Can Do" by Steve Earle (super creepy)

AJT 7:23 am, 1-Apr-2014

THE BEATLES 'No Reply'. “I’ve tried to telephone / They said you were not home / That’s a lie / ‘’Cause I know where you’ve been / I saw you walk in your door / I nearly died.” One of rock’s earliest celebrations of stalking. And to think your mother and Nan thought they were clean-cut boys-next-door in them cute suits and haircuts.

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