A British Guide To The Grammys

The 55th Grammy awards were on telly on Sunday, and most of us Brits were a bit indifferent. Here's a guide to get you through the light-up dresses and exposed nipple rings...
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The 55th Grammy awards were on telly on Sunday, and most of us Brits were a bit indifferent. Here's a guide to get you through the light-up dresses and exposed nipple rings...


The Grammys were on TV last Sunday night, but only for those with posh TV. Most people made do with the Baftas on BBC One. I watched it for those of you who don’t have a satellite dish bolted to the front of your house and/or chose not to sit through 150 minutes of saccharine drenched ceremony. I learned straight away that there are a LOT of country music performances on American music awards shows and I also learned that our overly patriotic cousins, while they may make fun of our teeth, tiny cars and aversion to kale, capital L love our musical exports.

What went down

-Firstly, LL Cool J hosted?! Like it was 2002 or something. Not off to a GREAT start but, stay with me….

-Taylor Swift opened the show wearing this, and she looked batshit crazy.


-Next up British A-team, Ed Sheeran and Elton John, cut the theatrics for a super cute duet of Ed’s song. Just the boys, a piano, a guitar and Elton’s affected accent pronouncing “class” without an “r”. Still worked though.


-Adele’s speech after someone called Pitbull awarded her with the Best Solo Performance award and in which she crowned J-Lo her good luck charm (?!...) leaves me hoping to GOD she wins at the Oscars in a couple of weeks just to see the look on Martin Scorcese and George Clooney’s faces as they wonder what the flip in the hey this cockney rhymer is doing on stage. Then the British Press can run photos of those pop culturally devoid Hollywood Hillbillies’ confused frowns and point out that her presence is rationalised by her awesomeness. And ever present, perfect beehive.

-Then Johnny Depp (inexplicably) showed up.

-Rhianna redeemed her intentional dress code flouting (everyone got a memo asking them to put their T & A away ‘cept she rocked up with her pierced T’s out) by getting everyone on their feet (even the ones wearing cowboy hats) with a carnivalesque Bob Marley tribute alongside Sting, Ziggy Marley and Bruno Mars.

-Some genius paired Beyonce and Ellen Degeneres to introduce Justin Timberlake’s much anticipated return to the Grammys stage. The girls were adorable, the anticipation on Timberlake’s behalf, however, was misplaced.

-PRINCE. Mother-effing Prince showed up to present Goyte with the Record of the Year award, the whole place went nuts, hanging on his every word, and he had these nuggets of wisdom to share… “These are the nominees for record of the year.” That was it.


-What seemed like the longest ever In Memorium segment featured, much to our dismay, Beastie Boy, Adam Yauch; Etta James; Dave Brubeck; Bee Gee, Robin Gibb; Times Square’s rockin’ NYE host extraordinaire Dick Clark and another nod to Kevin Costner’s charge, Whitney Houston, whose sudden death overshadowed the entire ceremony last year.

This is what people wore

-Rihanna showed up with an accessory even less fashionable than her visible nipple piercings: convicted girlfriend rougher-upper, Chris Brown. They even sat next to each other and everything. But Brown’s latest punch bag, Frank Ocean, won stuff and Chris did not. Also, the applause took an audible dip when his name was read out as a nominee. Ha.


-Florence Welch looked like a dinosaur.


-Adele wore this floral curtainy thing and looked abso-fucking-loutely mental


-Katy Perry wore this and it was all good and nice and tight and lovely looking


Host, Ellen Degeneres, also seemed pretty jazzed the singer did a Rihanna in ignoring the ‘no boobs out’ memo.

-This dress lit up. It was as tacky as you’d imagine.


-All the blokes wore tuxes. Except Mumford and Sons, who wore their gardening gear.


Winners and Losers

-Super annoying break-up whinge by Gotye, Somebody That I Used To Know, won Record of the Year, which will no longer surprise you when you learn it was up against the only Star F****r who is herself also famous, Taylor Swift’s, We Are Never Ever (ever ever ever everrrrrrr evuuuurrrr) Getting Back Together; and tautological anthem about being young but sung by some over 30’s, FUN.’s We Are Young.

-I’ve no idea how the Americans differentiate between ‘Song’ of the year and ‘Record’ of the year however, as FUN. (with a full stop) pipped Ed Sheeran’s A Team and Carly Rae Jepson’s caterwauling anthem for 14 year olds, Call Me Maybe, to THAT, seemingly identical, prize. Record. Song. I don’t know.

-All the super producers on the planet couldn’t help Frank Ocean to the podium to collect Album of the Year, however, that went to our very own Mumford and Sons, who turned out such a blinding folkrock smash hit that The Black Keys’, El Camino, and Jack White’s, Blunderbuss couldn’t compete. All of the above phoned in entertaining performances though.

-Paul McCartney is not dead yet and won something with a convoluted title for his album, Kisses on the Bottom. If you hate the man who brought us the Meat Free Mondays song (YouTube it) then rest assured that he stopped corny Canadian crooner, Michael Buble, from picking up this award for THE EXACT SAME Christmas album he released last year.

-You will also be seething to learn that Coldplay were considered in the category for Best Rock Album. ROCK album.

-N****s in Paris (Kanye West and Jay-Z) won two things, meaning some poor soul had to say n****s on TV. Twice. Needless to say, this didn’t make the televised show yet they STILL bleeped it to save the blushes of the audience. Pussies.

-But, seriously, we seem to be enjoying another Cool Britannia musical invasion not seen since the world was gripped in the throes of the Oasis vs. Blur debacle and a ginger bird from Watford wearing a Union Jack tea towel became as iconic an image as Churchill’s V sign.


The audience ate up Elton and Ed’s duet, the voting panel couldn’t get any further up Mumford and Son’s drainpipe draped backsides and they didn’t even tell Adele off for refusing to sit down. She does whatever the F she wants.


-The 85th Academy Awards (or the Oscars to plebs) are up next, so I’ll be waiting up until 6am to pass on equally vital titbits on the ‘big one’ of awards season.