Bono bloody Bono. After the U2 frontman was rushed to hospital after doing his back in rehearsing for the band’s world tour (very unconfirmed reports suggest his head was up his own arse!) it seems the band still haven’t found what they’re looking for – and won’t adorn the Pyramid Stage for their first headline slot at Glastonbury.

Question is though (Edge and co aside), does anybody actually care? Sure, U2 are quite possibly the biggest rock band on the planet, but they are without a quality album in years and have a lead singer whose delusions of grandeur probably see him screaming his own name in the sack.

The ‘unfortunate’ news of their withdrawal, has swung open the Worthy Farm barn door for someone to swoop in and bask in the glory of being among Glastonbury’s 40^th headliners. We look at who could be getting a desperate call from Michael Eavis over the next few days…

Dizzee Rascal

Representing the easy option, Dizzee was booked to perform before the Irish rockers on the Friday, and could end up headlining by default. There’s no questioning Dizzee’s success, as he’s had a storming couple of years in the mainstream, crapping out number one singles for fun. The Eavis’s clearly rate him too, as Emily said from the start it was “a given” that the hip-hopper would perform.

But is he ready? Dizzee Rascal’s star may be rising, but his addition won’t be as earth-moving as the likes of other headliners Muse and Stevie Wonder, and let’s not forget the brouhaha we had over Jay-Z headlining - in the words of Noel Gallagher: “I’m not having hip-hop at Glastonbury. It’s wrong.”

Sabotage verdict: Too soon.

David Bowie

A fan favourite and previously odds-on at the bookies to make a headline appearance this year, Ziggy Stardust on the Pyramid Stage would be a hell of a way to clear up the mess left by Bono’s backbone.

But Bowie’s a proud bugger, and in the bizarre instance that Eavis overlooked him originally, it is doubtful Bowie would want to play second fiddle to anyone.

I’d love to see this happen more than anyone (and not just for the comedy value, as my missus has had a phobia of the man ever since she was exposed to his spandex wrapped package in Labyrinth as a child), as Bowie has the history, hits, mystique and charisma to send a crowd of smelly campers into a state of euphoria.

Sabotage verdict: Too ambitious

Coldplay

Another band constantly linked with a Pyramid headline slot this year, it is quite conceivable that Eavis could replace one irritating God complex addled frontman with another.

Chris Martin and the boys have headlined before in 2002 and 2005, and would no doubt be willing to step up and serenade the Worthy Farm crowd once more if Mickey Eavis gets on the blower.

I for one think it would be a waste of time, as Coldplay may as well adopt some cattle for the amount of time they spend on that bloody farm. At least U2 would rock the Pyramid Stage, Chris Martin would just whine like a tea kettle for two hours.

Sabotage verdict: Too boring

Led Zepellin

Well wouldn’t this just be fucking awesome? Robert Plant previously said he’d be performing in some capacity at this year’s fest, and Jimmy Page has since said he “wouldn’t rule out” a reunion for Glastonbury’s 40^th birthday.

The difficulty arises in persuading all other Led Zep members, as it is well known they’re far from down-and-outers chasing a cheque to spruce up their lagging pension fund, with their sole reunion coming for a one-off show at the 02.

Will they do it? Probably not. Although it would be the ultimate coup, it seems more like pipedreams for the masses than a conceivable plan. Besides, if it was possible, why the hell weren’t they booked from day one?

Sabotage verdict: Too good to be true

Rolling Stones

It would seem the Gods of Rock have written the script for this: Glasto’s Ruby anniversary/the Rolling Stones have never played/Eavis needs a headliner. All signs point to an army of a hundred thousand plus fans worshipping at the alter of Jagger, especially as they were the bookies favourite to get the nod, and Ronnie Wood even hinted the band could do some shows in 2010.

Whether Eavis can pull it off, well that remains to be seen. There’s probably a reason the Stones have never appeared at the festival before, a combination of egos and cool hard cash. It’s rumoured that headliners bag around £100k to perform, but these guys don’t get out of bed for less than 10 times that, especially at their age.

Sabotage verdict: Too stubborn

Personally, my money’s on grime supremo Dizzee Rascal to be bumped up the bill. It would be too ambitious for Michael Eavis to secure a truly amazing headliner at such short notice, and after the selection of Jay-Z in 2008 and Snoop Dogg’s appearance to come this year, it seems a mid-life crisis (albeit 30 years too late) has got the Glasto Grandad fist bumping every rapper he can find. It’s enough to make Noel Gallagher weep.