Let’s for one moment imagine one of pop music’s most iconic, erotic, powerfully confident women pins you down to a chair and forcefully kisses you in front of a crowd of thousands and an audience of millions on TV and online. Now, imagine your reaction. Would you a) Wipe your mouth with a look of absolute disgust plastered over your face? b) Sit there in stunned astonishment at the dream-like scenario that just happened? c) Chance your arm and go back in for seconds?
Well, if you’re Drake, the guy whose rapping sounds like the drone of a faulty fridge freezer during the dead of night, then your answer would be to look as if someone had just force-fed you a shit sandwich that had been dipped in piss. Which, to anybody with warm blood still running through their veins, is the totally wrong reaction. Drake has since offered the explanation that it was the Queen of Pop’s “funky lipstick that disagreed with his taste buds. To that, my reply would be simply be this; “What the hell is wrong with you, son?”.
It’s no good him launching an attempt at damage limitation now either, he’s kidding no-one, least of all me. Reading his statement I imagined him performing a flawless impression of Michael Jackson at the 1984 Grammy Awards, trying to moonwalk his way out of upsetting the woman who has shaped popular culture over the last thirty years. If anything, Drake’s grimace says more about him than it ever could about Madonna. Let’s be honest, the self-styled, soft-centred Romeo was probably terrified. It’s a fact some men are genuinely afraid of strong-minded successful women and I’d hazard a guess that he’s one of them. If he looks at the video to “Express Yourself” he’d see a woman who looks better in a suit than he ever could and wear it with twice as much authority to boot.
I’ve read some responses flipping the other side of the coin, asking if a man in his fifties did the same to a twenty-eight year old woman would we all be losing our shit instead of laughing at Drake’s response? Do we lose our shit at James Bond “manfully’ handling women half his age? No we don’t, that’s as much of a performance as Drizzy and Madge’s on Sunday and to compare it to anything more serious than exactly what it was, would be wrong.
To even bring Madonna’s age into the argument holds little water with me either. It’s Madonna for Christ’s sake, look at her. So, wipe your mouth again, Drake, because you’ve just bloodied it by punching yourself in the face by not appreciating that men and women of every persuasion would have swapped places with you in an instant. If name’s were appropriate to your character then Drake could justifiably be called “Drizzle”; cold, wet and likely take the heat out of any passionate tryst.