From McFly To Son Of Dork: My Top 5 Rubbish Pop Songs

I'm always the last to know what the latest trend is, which usually manifests itself in me tapping my feet when other people are violently throwing up. No longer will I hide in the dark about my guilty pleasures, it's time to fess up.
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I'm always the last to know what the latest trend is, which usually manifests itself in me tapping my feet when other people are violently throwing up. No longer will I hide in the dark about my guilty pleasures, it's time to fess up.

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I'll be the first to admit that I am almost entirely out of the loop when it comes to new trends and fashions in...well, in general really. In terms of musical tastes, my preference is generally  located on the rocky / folky end of the spectrum. I like good lyrics, tight bands and voices that know when to wail as much as they know how to croon.

However, occasionally something will slip under the net, and I'll find myself singing along to something pretty unforgivable. This has in the past led to me having clandestine trysts with my computer, setting my browser to private browsing and youtubing the guilty, headphones in, door locked, so as not to arouse suspicion.

THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO LIVE! I'm coming out of the shite-music closet. Starting with these five.

Son Of Dork - Ticket Outta Loserville

Ah, you probably don't remember Son Of Dork do you? Remember Busted? Yeah you remember Busted! Those cheeky scamps! Charlie Fightsar, Matt I'm A Celebrity, and the other one! You know! The ugly one! You've got to fear for the ugly one in a boy-band, he's always the most expendable when the eventual split comes. However, fair play to him (His name was James, ok?), he gave it a crack with Son Of Dork.

Now, when I was a wee teen myself, and would occasionally dive-bomb into my local club Jimmy Willies (Mid-Wales' Finest Night Spot, don'tchaknow) this would be the song I'd request from DJ Bart, a big, hulking, bearded gorilla of a man who could barely fit into the booth. I think at the time I knew how shite it was, but when you're 16 and you've just torpedoed two Smirnoff Ice's then who really knows what's what?

McFly feat. Taio Cruz - Shine A Light

Turns out my penchant for guitar based boy-bands runs deeper than I first thought, as I found out when I first heard this tune. Funny story, actually. When I was unemployed at the beginning of this year I was applying for jobs left, right and centre, anything I thought I could vaguely turn my hand to, and then I saw an advert looking for a singer in a McFly tribute band. Much Umm-ing and Aah-ing followed, before I submitted a clip of me playing this and a little biog about me, as well as a few lies about what guitars I had and how much I looked like Danny. I was invited to audition, but I never went. There but for the grace of God eh? I could have been blasting this huge tune out at The Venue in New Cross of a Saturday night, lapping up the adoration that would inevitably come with being in a McFly tribute band...right? Yeah.

R. Kelly and Usher - Same Girl

R Kelly is either a ridiculous excuse for a human being, or the greatest musical genius since Mozart, I genuinely haven't decided which side of the fence to come down on. What I do know is that Same Girl has the greatest opening line to any song, nay, work of literature ever.

"Hey Ush" / "What up Kel?" - THEY'RE BROS! THEY'RE JUST SHOOTING HOOPS! THEY'VE HAD A BIG WEEKEND! OH SHIT ARE THEY GOING OUT WITH THE SAME GIRL? THERE'S LITERALLY NO WAY OF KNOWING!

Thank God Usher didn't think to say "What's the name of your girl Kel?". Woulda saved a whole lot of confusion, sure, but wouldn't have been as good a song. Special mention goes to R Kelly's interpretive dance at the end when he sings the line about the airport. Straight out of GCSE Drama, that one.

Jessie J - Domino

This is the most galling one for me to admit, as most of the time I think Jessie J represents all that is wrong with pop vocalists right now. Her voice has absolutely no character. Sure, she can hit notes, and she's loud, but I guarantee you could take anyone, give them enough training, and they'd be able to do the same.

However, Domino's chorus is as catchy as the bubonic plague, and even more infuriating, and I guess she sounds fine singing it. Oh, OH, and she's feeling sexy and free. What better reason is there to have a sing-song?

Robyn - APPARENTLY EVERYTHING SHE'S EVER RECORDED

I'm leaving this to last because it's potentially the most tenuous, given the title of this piece. When I first heard "Be Mine" by Robyn I went nuts. Great chorus, great production, brilliantly catchy and brilliantly danceable. Then I heard "Hang With Me", which was, if anything, even better. Last night I listened to Body Talk start to finish. It's fucking great. Dancing On My Own. Call Your Girlfriend. The utterly, utterly wonderful Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do.

However, just as I'm beginning to buy Robyn t-shirts and record a tribute album as a big fuck-you to all the Robyn haters, I'm told that actually she's quite fashionable, and that indie-kids like her. I should have guessed really, given that she's Scandinavian and is hanging out in what looks like Rough Trade East in the Hang With Me video, but still, I hadn't seen it coming. See what I mean about not getting trends?

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