John Mayer: Why I Love The Porn-Obsessed Guitar Legend

Guitar legend and serial-shagger John Mayer is set to play London's O2 Arena this October, here's why you should grab a ticket sharpish.
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Guitar legend and serial-shagger John Mayer is set to play London's O2 Arena this October, here's why you should grab a ticket sharpish.

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He’s a chippy little fucker who brags about his conquests when he’s not killing off his chords with pitifully clichéd lines. He bagged the racist tag by casually referring to his dick as a ‘white supremacist’ and the twat tag by justifying that cock with his ‘Benneton heart’.

But he still makes me smile and I’m looking forward to seeing him in London. Here’s why:

HE’S HOT

Mayer may look like a stroke victim having a seizure when he performs, but it gives us lesser mortals an insight into the kind of facial expressions he pulls wanking over Katy Perry into a bigger mirror.

Facial contortions aside, he’s a six-foot-four-inch smoky eyed stunner who has watched so much porn, he must know how to fuck. And he’s made the most of it.

HOLLYWOOD AGREES

Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Love Hewitt and most recently Kerry Perry – they’re just a few of the ones we know about who have all been happy to be seen on Mayer’s arm, no matter how much they’ve regretted it afterwards.

HE’S MADE HIS OWN WONDERLAND

He writes lyrics to make Gary Barlow weep, but Mayer got into music off the back of a Stevie Ray Vaughan cassette at the age of 13 and became so obsessed with the blues, his parents tried to get him certified by two shrinks.

They failed, and his word crafting and melodies have since picked up seven Grammys and sold over 20 million albums.

He is versatile enough to flit across genres from rock to blues, hip-hop to jazz and country and has performed and/or recorded with Eric Clapton, BB King, Buddy Guy, T-Bone Burnett, Herbie Hancock, Jay Z and Alicia Keys. And he can solo like a motherfucker, even under pressure.

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HE GIVES IT AWAY
Mayer lets anyone tape his gigs and encourages them to be shared. It could be a reflection of his egoistical desire for world recognition, but he’s also plays a lot of free gigs in small venues including shows at The Laugh Factory, Village Underground and a high school prom for a few hundred teenage girls. Because it’s all about the music.

HE’S A LOOSE CANNON

He’s been told a million times by his PR to keep his mouth shut and focus on his fingers, but the world would be a much darker place without Mayer’s abstract offerings:
"I am the new generation of masturbator, I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week." Rolling Stone, January 2010

"Look, just because it itches, doesn’t mean it stinks." Twitter, August 2010

"I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself." Rolling Stone, January 2010.
"My two biggest hits are 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' and 'Daughters.' If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very…I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me." Playboy, January 2010

"I want to show her I'm not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I'm fucking you, I'm trying to fuck every man who's ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you'll say 'No one's ever done that to me in bed.'" – Playboy, January 2010

BUT ENOUGH PHILOSOPHY

Here’s one of those solos: