I need One Direction Addiction Anonymous.
Maybe obsession is too strong a word. It’s not like I have physical copies their albums, or a poster, or a variety of t-shirts, or a pencil and my best friend definitely did not buy me a 1D calendar for Christmas and my laptop also does not recognise 1D as an accepted, regular acronym. You’d think I would be concerned, or I should hang my head in shame… Hurtling through my twenties, wearing a top with a bunch of nineteen year olds faces on, getting asked to write articles about One Direction because everyone is aware I’m the weirdo who genuinely loves them. But I’m not even slightly bothered because when One Direction plays you can guarantee I’ll be on the dance floor like it’s my last night on Earth.
What is everyone’s big deal about trying to be cool? I like seeing people on Twitter or Facebook post things related to artists that you know they couldn’t name more than three songs by. But they jump on the wagon because it’s the cool new thing and they want to keep up with the charade and pretend they like shit in their Supreme hats and Supreme t-shirts using slang they don’t even understand. Whatever, I like things that make me happy, and that is most definitely One Direction.
Look at them. Maybe even just look at Harry. Have you ever Google image searched One Direction? All of their photographs make me laugh. They’re all either a) having the best time ever and therefore I want to be their friend in order to be a part of this madness b) trying to be really serious and pull off the posed seductive look, which is so bad it’s hilarious c) in co-ordinated clothing, which usually includes red and green pants or d) those GIF type photos where their heads or bodies have been replaced. Why wouldn’t you want to spend hours looking at this collection of joy?
They’re getting rich from physical record sales in a digital generation. No one really buys records anymore. People rely on free downloads, sharing and press freebies for their music now. But yet, this is a boy band that’s making a shit load of money from physical copies of their music being sold. It’s probably the inside sleeve full of photos of them that does it. Everything you could have in life has been turned into One Direction merchandise. I’m waiting for the day they bring out 1D toilet paper and if they steal this idea, I want paid.
It took seven writers to come up with the chorus for Kiss You and it’s yet another majestic pop gem. If anything, we need to celebrate those magnificent seven who came up with it. They throw out bangers that make you want to lose your shit, down some alcohol (like some champagne) and realise nothing else matters other than dancing.
They do ridiculously stupid things which are part of their whole charm. Look at their tattoos. Harry Styles seems to be having a pre-mid-life-crisis. He can’t even blame Taylor Swift anymore, boring him into making dramatic attempts for excitement and attention with her antique obsession. He has all these tattoos that he makes up pointless meanings for and tries to look ‘edgy’, whatever that is. Zayn has ‘Zap!’ on his arm and Liam has chevrons. It never occurred to someone to stop and say, “Hey, you’re good looking guys; this is probably a bit much?” Nah, they just flaunt them with pride. I’m all for tattoos, but there’s got to be a line.
In three years since they formed on the X Factor, not a single person has thought to get them a dance teacher. Instead, they just bounce around aimlessly, springing off each other like blind bees in a hive. They’ve no idea what to do, but they don’t care, they’re making millions from this three minute video in a paddling pool and a tent with a sofa in it. The biggest thing Taylor Swift and Harry had in common was the fact neither of them can dance to their own music.
They kinda weren’t meant to be so successful. I don’t think anyone could have imagined this level of fame or cult-type fan base that’s formed around them. I can’t remember anyone coming from something like the X-Factor and managing to come close to this pop-world domination these five guys have. It’s mental. Their fans are totally nuts about them. America is crazy for them.
They’re global popularity has hit an all-time high that two things have happened recently that make you realise just how insane this entire thing is: 1) the people behind the Brits 2013 basically made up a category just to ensure these guys won something. In a category that only they were nominated for, they were all far too surprised to hear their names read out as the winners, five minutes after seeing their video and 2) David Cameron decided to star in their Comic Relief video as if it’s some attempt to become cool and popular. I hate you even more David, just for even thinking to do that.
It’s their charm, their charged pop belters and the accidental trouble, the falling out of clubs, the suits at seventeen and the perfect smiles. If you were to ever imagine such an idealistic boy band, it would be One Direction.
Here is a short list (I’ve cut about a thousand) of other reasons I love One Direction:
1. ‘Harry Styles dumps Taylor Swift because of her antique obsession’ was the best headline I’ve ever read
2. They’ve given us another reason to hate Ed Sheeran – he wrote Little Things, that song which basically says even if we get fat they might still like us.
3. Any of the dance moves in any video
4. The lengths people go to just to deny liking a One Direction song is entertainment on its own
5. The leg rubbing movement Louis does right at the beginning of the One Thing video
6. For weeks (OK, maybe months) I genuinely thought Harry Styles during One Thing was singing “frozen and Cadbury” and I didn’t question how weird this was. (It’s “frozen and can’t breathe”)
7. The video for Kiss You and the Comic Relief single. I have no words… just laughter
8. Imagine how whiney Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be? This isn’t a reason to hate Harry, because it’ll be funny to see what she says
9. Harry talking about Plato and philosophy at an event… not quite the same as what champagne does to me but Ok
10. Niall always looks like he doesn’t have a clue where he is. It’s like he wakes up and gets a fright to find himself on stage.
11. Zayn asked Harry for relationship advice. Really though? Is that a good idea?
12. They went to Birthdays in East London for Harry’s birthday, probably thinking it was ‘ironic or something’