The Seven Worst Song Lyrics Of All Time

No one is saying that songwriting is easy but some musicians get it so wrong that I wish I was deaf. Here are a few of the worst offenders...
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No one is saying that songwriting is easy but some musicians get it so wrong that I wish I was deaf. Here are a few of the worst offenders...

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Sometimes you hear a song lyric which changes you. It may make you glad to be alive, remind you what love means or just make your normally unhappy face smile with joy.  Then you hear a lyric, so painfully shite that every part of body cringes and you wonder if you’ll ever be the same again.

Here are my top seven song lyrics which are so awful, they make me want to remove my ears with fire...

James Blunt – Wisemen

‘Those three wise men, they’ve got a semi by the sea.’

Oh James. What the fuck were you thinking? The sad fact is, no one liked you enough to point out how the use of the word semi would be misinterpreted and now you have a song about the collective state of arousal of three men which will be laughed at for years to come. I’d feel sorry for James Blunt if he wasn’t James Blunt.

The Killers – All These Things That I’ve Done

‘I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.’

Well, I’ve got a cunt but I’m not a country.  I also have milk but I’m not a milkman. What is your point, Mr. Flowers? THIS LYRIC MEANS NOTHING. It’s not profound or clever and when I hear crowds at festivals, chanting it I pray for sinkholes to open up directly under them.  The Killers are known for their pointless lyrics and I only have to say the words human and dancer to reinforce this but for me, the soul/soldier reference is quite frankly, the worst thing I have ever heard.

R Kelly -I Believe I Can Fly

‘I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.’

I don’t just hate this line, I hate the entire song.  It’s like someone handed R Kelly a pen and paper but he just threw the pen away and proudly shat rhyming cliché’s on to the paper, producing the worst song ever unleashed on to the world. It’s uninspiring, vomit inducing crap that should be kept the hell away from me at all times.

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Bryan Adams – Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman

‘When you can see your unborn child in her eyes.’

‘I think I have something in my eye.’

‘Why yes you do. It’s an unborn foetus.’

‘AGGHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?’

I just don’t get this. Is this meant to be romantic? This is one of the most disturbingly misjudged lyrics of all time.  I desperately wish I could unhear this.

Dan Hill – Sometimes When We Touch

‘Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much and I have to close my eyes and hide.’

Yeah, I hate it when that happens. I touch someone and instantly I’m like; ‘YOUR SHOES ARE FUCKING SHIT. I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT THEM AND NOW I’M INVISIBLE.’

The Script/Will.i.am - Hall of Fame

‘You can be the greatest, you can be the best. You can be the King Kong banging on your chest.’

Oh fuck right off.  That’s like a nursery rhyme for the insane. The only thing this song motivates me to do is never listen to The Script or Will.i.am ever again...which is fine really.

Hero – Enrique Iglesias

‘I can be your hero baby. I can kiss away the pain.’

Really? But what if the pain is located directly inside my rectum? NOT SO FUCKING BRAVE NOW ARE YOU IGLESIAS?  COME BACK SO I CAN TAKE YOUR FUCKING BREATH AWAY. If this was your first dance at your wedding, I hope the shame keeps you awake at night.

Visit Joanna's new blog The Rules for more hilarity.