The Six Worst Charity Singles Of All-Time (Band Aid Not Included)

With the news that JLS are set to do a charity single for Sport Relief, a look at some of the weirdest, scariest and downright awful charity offerings in recent memory...
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With the news that JLS are set to do a charity single for Sport Relief, a look at some of the weirdest, scariest and downright awful charity offerings in recent memory...

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Charity is the greatest virtue and the one I fear most. The small kindnesses are the toughest to maintain; the Facebook 'like', the nod to the bottle washer and not the barmaid. What is the name of your office cleaner? Much easier is tossing some change at something, like the Dartford Tunnel toll booth catching coins in its plastic bucket, like the old man's guppy mouth pouting to find a ciggy at 2am, or even easier, if one has the set-up, releasing a Charity Single.

The latest is from JLS, it's for Sport Relief, it's chuckaway rubbish but it's got harmonies and echoey piano and some doltish nice – like being stroked by a weeping stunted martyr – only lazy mopers will buy the recording. People have done so before. “Do They Know It's Christmas Time?”. “Thank God it's them - instead of youooooo”.

Here are some charity singles. These were made for consumers to dig into their pockets and feel the cause – worry about those poor people.  All those poor people – those people with nasty diseases – children too. Children who are poor. It's awful.

“Another Part Of Me” - Michael Jackson

Part of the proceeds went to burns victims.

“Knocking On Heaven's Door” – Dunblane Dogooders

Dylan's worst song, murdered – oh thanks for the reminder. Those wee kids deserved better.

Freedom” – Paul McCartney

9/11 nonsense. I fucking love, you, Macca, but still. It's the Frog Song meets Happy Days

500 Miles” - Matt Lucas and Peter Kay

Comic Relief. Cripples are funny, but cripples singing a joyful song are funnier? Get fucked. The Proclaimers are one hundred times a better band than the last lot you swooned over.

''Tears Are Not Enough' – Northern Lights

Starving Ethiopians, 1985. Everyone knows about Band Aid and 'We Are The World', but this is the Canadian effort from the same push. It features Bryan Adams, Neil Young, Corey Hart, Geddy Lee from Rush and some other guys. Sexless pomp.

“Ferry 'Cross The Mersey” - Hillsborough

Hillsborough disaster, 1989. It was a vile day. Fuck football tribalism. Any person with decency has been disgusted by the crush and the events that followed.

This version of this song is dung. Tinny, obvious, weak – not acceptable for Liverpool.

Shit records.

Knock on your elderly neighbour's door, make her a cup of tea. Don't argue with your girlfriend, do what she asks and be nice about it, and take it.  You still know who you are. Call your mother.

Fuck parachute and bungee jumpers, it's like paying people for having a wank.

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